::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I'm starting to believe The Ex and I share brainwaves.  True story. My last post consisted solely about how we hadn't had contact in two months, and how horribly I missed him. Two days later, he called me, under the pretense of wishing me a Happy Birthday, and my entire life flipped upside down the second I saw his number on my phone.  The second I heard his familiar "hey", my heart crashed against my chest like a tidal wave...and all those little holes in me closed up like magic.  It was literally exactly what I needed, and just the fact that he picked up on it is enough to make me a little teary.  You never realize how much someone means to you until you know how much it hurts when they're gone.  I couldn't help but break my own rules and say hello in person, and I'm glad I did.  It was nice to see him, and even better to get that hug I've been craving so badly...it just isn't the same coming from anyone else.   I don't know if I'll ...

I'm here, which means something is on my mind. It's eating me up like a fat kid at a dessert buffet. This has been a looong two months.   The Ex?  Yeah, I miss him . Not just in an "hm, I kinda miss him oh well" way, but in a "he's taking up my head space making it difficult to concentrate" way. WAIT!  Before you kick me or laugh at me or slap me in the head, hear me out, because it might not be what you think.   I want to mention before I continue this rant that I don't miss our relationship, I don't want him back, and I don't really miss him in an "I love him" sorta way--I think I just miss having him around, and that thought alone really bothers me. I think of him constantly , and it's almost bordering on compulsive.  I have plenty to concentrate on and keep me busy, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of dropping by his house just to see his face...or a minute that goes by that I don't wonde...

I may as well just come out with it: I'm  sick to death  of being single.    I understand the appeal of single life, really.  The 'never having to answer to someone, I can kiss who I want' stuff is cool. I get it, I'm just not a fan.  Not anymore.  Not when I know that lonely ache that comes from having to sleep alone every night, and waking up to only myself every morning. Full disclosure: I've been just kind of blue at the thought of this lately, and it's been pretty heavy on my mind.  I turn 33 a week from right now.  Middle age is officially on the horizon, and all I have in my rearview mirror are old relationship bones and regrets.  Life is whizzing right past me, and I'm still clunking along in the slow lane, sharing it with nobody.  That thought alone depresses the hell out of me.  I realize things happen for people at different times in their lives, but I don't want my time to be when I'm too aged to really enjoy it...

Whatever relations I had with the family I had left are now shot to hell.  I am now a family of three.   If you know me or are a regular reader, you know that my relationship with the woman who gave birth to me has been contentious at best.  There is too much resentment for us to ever have what's considered a "normal" relationship, and let's not forget that she's a certified lunatic.  We've gone 12 rounds before, separated, and swept it under the rug, adding to the pile that was already there.  Well, the pile has officially runneth over, and there is no more room under that rug. After another scuffle with that woman over nothing but the fact that she's crazy , (this one including my adult brother punching me in the face, adding insult to injury) I am officially done.  My mind is tripping out at the thought of being related to these animals, and I have run out of patience and compassion for the lot of them. The ties are cut for the last time, and the end...

I've decided that I'm over Christmas.  This year, it's done nothing but show me all the ways I fucked up as a parent and as an adult. Right now, I have approximately $115 in my bank account, have 2 kids to shop for, but still need to be able to provide gas in my car and food on the table, and I don't get paid again until December 28.  Needless to say, it's gonna look pretty empty under my tree this year.  My last resort was to apply for a shirt term loan, and even that ended up being a dead end.   I was always that one who, if times were tough, made sure my kids were the last ones to feel it. Now there is no cushion to protect them, and they get stuck feeling the same blows as me because of my mistakes.  Its not fair to them and makes me feel like a total fucking asshole. I literally don't have a pot to piss in right now, and my kids have to bear the brunt of that.  I don't know what the hell Im gonna say to them Christmas morning when they see an empty t...

  You know that phrase 'Short Fuse'?  It has a cousin called 'Breathe On Me Wrong And I Blow To Smithereens'.  If you look it up, you'll find a picture of me, with a big crooked smile and a deranged look in my eye.  Am I a lunatic?  Yep, probably. Shit knows these days I sure feel like one.  That song by Limp Bizkit, ya know, "Break Stuff"? It  has been playing on a constant loop in my head like a broken record for the last two weeks.  I can't put my talon on what, exactly, the problem is, I just know that I feel like I'm gonna blow, like ALL. THE. TIME.  And if you're dumb enough to be in my crosshairs while I'm raging, you best throw on your riot gear cuz I'll probably run you over just for being in my way.  I'll take a deep breath and put on my psychotherapist hat for a second, and assume that a combo of stress and PMS are probably to blame for this episode.  A lot has fallen into my lap lately and I haven't had much c...

  First things first:  When you have a big secret festering  in you and you feel the need to share it with someone in particular, think about it before you blurt it out.  Make sure that what you tell them will remain between the two of you if that's what you are hoping for, and make sure your confidant is a trustworthy one.  These are things that I didn't think I needed to take into consideration when I decided to tell my mother what my father did to me.  Can you say "Huge Regret"?   It took me 20 long years and a lot of therapy and soul searching to work up the sack to finally confess the biggest secret I've ever had.  It felt good to have it out in the open...for about 60 seconds.  That's how long it took my mother, the "confidant", to get her chismosa ass on the phone and start spreading the news like she was Frank Fucking Sinatra.  The excuses ranged from dumb to shitty, and everytime she did it, I called her on it and asked her t...

Never again will I play the role of the whiny, "why me?" victim; I now understand how fuckin' annoying it really is.  I never realized how much until I paid attention to the biggest "victim" I know: My mother.   Mom has a long habit of being Ms. Woe Is Me.  The whole world always seems to be plotting against her, and when something happens in her life that is unsatisfactory, she takes it as a personal attack on her, then proceeds to bring up her entire life's worth of unsavory events and horrible luck.  Oh, and worse?  The blame for ANY of it never rests on her.  She is the poster child for passing the buck, never taking responsibility for any of her own actions that get her into the positions that she's in. It's beyond egotistical, and makes me want to punch her.   This woman will misconstrue it if you so much as breathe at her the wrong way, just so she feels justified in taking her frustrations out on you.  Sometimes you have to do nothing at...

 I think the old ticker could use a jump start.  I don't think I can recall a time when I was this-what's the word?-unaffected? Impassive?  Blasé?  Actually I think 'blasé' sums it up pretty well.  Nothing has really shaken me up lately, not that I'm a glutton for drama, but I don't like feeling so apathetic.  Mostly this feeling centers on my love life. Things are once again at a standstill with SP, and yes, it bothers me, but not as much as I think it should, being that I feel for him the way that I do. That, in itself, is another issue that I want to tackle, but I'm gonna try to stay on track.  The best way to sum up my feelings for him is ambiguous.  I love him, but it's not all encompassing, and if things don't work out, it will bother me but not end me.  It's all very "Eh."   Despite what's not happening with SP, I haven't been lacking male attention.  As a matter of fact, I've been getting more than ever-more than ...

Ladies and...well, ladies, I have tapped into my geyser of raw strength.  It's so funny when you stumble upon something you didn't even know it was there, but I found it, and have been exercising some demons the last few days.  Let's take it from the top, shall we?   I spent some time with SP yesterday.  I haven't seen him since he accompanied me to the wedding last weekend, and we really  hadn't talked to much since then.  If you've read my recent posts, you know that my relationship with SP is very bipolar.  I don't feel a lot of stability with him, and doubts frequently creep in through the many cracks in our quasi-relationship.  Yesterday I was feeling strong, so I confronted him, opening up my chest and dropping my heart on the table, and was fully prepared to snatch it back and leave if he didn't give me the answer I was looking for.  I asked him point blank: did he see a future with us or am I wasting my time?  I admit, I almost...

My ex, the BabyDaddy, is a douche. I've given him his due respect when he deserves it, and we've managed to work out most of our issues.  Notice I said "most" of them. One would think that since it takes two people to make a baby, those same two people would do equal jobs in taking care of it.  I guess BD missed the memo. My son is with me for the weekend, as he is every weekend.  Sundays are my least favorite days, because I know he has to go "home", and every time I drop him off, a little piece of my heart breaks off.  I remind myself throughout the week that he's at his dad's because he wants to be there, and he wants to be there because he believes that it's making things easier on me financially.  I let him stay because he seems happy and adjusted, but no part of the arrangement is "easy" for me-I keep that part to myself.  Part of me also realizes that he's growing up, and I can't teach him how to be a man.  I've tr...

Has something ever clicked for you so hard and loud that it felt like you were hit by a locomotive? Praise the Goddess, for today I have seen the Light, Halleluyer . Just to reiterate a few earlier posts, I have no more issues with the 'being over The Ex' stuff; I've been doing just fine, trucking along without any of that sadness crap.  We talk once or twice a week without any issues, and have even hung out all buddy-buddy like sans drama.  We managed to make some semblance of a friendship work for us. Being that friend, I still take it upon myself to kinda look out for him, make sure he's taking care of himself, and having a regard for his life in general. It's just something that seems to come with the territory.  I tried to be encouraging, pushing him to get his shit together.  I even got it in his head to go back to school and get certified in Electrical Maintenance, which would ultimately land him a job making upwards of $30 an hour.  At first, I ac...

As I sit here and thoroughly enjoy a healthy slice of chocolately chocolate cake from a famous Chicago hot dog restaurant, a few random musings have sprung to mind.  The first being that I am 4-day-coke-bender exhausted, this cake is delicious and my diet can suck it for the night.  (That's what I call a 'compound musing') My next wisdom gem: Boys are stupid.  And overrated. And lame.  And usually smell funny. Some deserve to be pelted with rocks, but the little ones because they sting and leave welts when they hit you and that's AWESOME. SP called me yesterday and jibber jabbered like everything was normal and cool, like a week hadn't passed since we last spoke, and like I didn't do anything crazy like, I don't know, profess my love to him or something. I attempted to address the elephant in the room, and true to form, he wanted to sweep it under the rug like it never happened...but then have the nerve to say that me telling him didn't make anything ...

I'm starting to believe that someone surgically implanted a live grenade inside my body while I was asleep. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have found myself angry...sometimes irrationally so.  To clear a few things up, life has been pretty uneventful, so I can't say one thing in particular is bugging me, and no, I don't feel depressed.  It's like I can see underneath the anger, and nothing is there except harmless space, kinda like some low hanging clouds. I'm not in a constant state of pissed, but it takes nearly nothing to get me to the point of wanting to rip someone's face off.  Driving?  I get ornery. Driving in traffic ?  Hide the guns.  These are just examples. Just now I yelled at my poor old doggy because he headbutted his way through my closed bedroom door, but he only did it because he likes to be with me. Like I said, irrational.   I wish I could put my finger on what has me in this funk, but I keep coming up with ...

I should warn you before I continue that it's 1:30 AM on a Tuesday morning, and I'm slightly delirious, so if you are cool with half-conscious self-discovery ramblings such as mine, prepare to be entertained. Or at the very least, mildly amused . Even if you hate it and are so bored you're contemplating suicide just to get off my page, be nice and click a reaction button before you jump, and I'll see you on the other side. Thanks so much! So recently I've discovered a few things about myself that I never really thought to look at.  It's crazy how all these things can happen right under your own nose and you never take the time to see them there. I discovered, with mild chagrin, then when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm a total cluck cluck chicken.  I literally cringe into a corner and give myself panic attacks agonizing over the whole "Tell him/Don't tell him" debate.  I don't know why I'm such a noob, but I'd rather be a sc...

Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to make you want to step out of yourself and take a peek inside of your own windows.  Case in point: Twice today, I was told by two different people that I seem to be exuding happiness and peace. My friend even told me I looked "radiant".  "Really?" I thought, aloud and in my head.  So I decided to turn my eyeballs around and take a look for myself, and by golly, they are right!  I remember how I was at this time last year; I was drowning in depression, under a constant black cloud and I really never thought it would go away.  My life was literally crumbling down around me. I was barely holding on to my sanity with my fingertips. What a difference a year makes. Now, I'm at a point where I feel good.  My life is taking shape like it should be.  I'm in a healthy place with the ex and I'm glad for that.  I'm able to tell him "I love you" just because I honestly do, without wistfulness or th...

I haven't posted much about The Ex in a while, so let me wax philosophical on him for a spell. Before I go into it, I just want to reiterate that I have been doing just fine with the 'being over him' stuff.  Sure, there are still lingering feelings, and most likely always will be.  I would be remiss if I ever said there wasn't after spending half a decade with the guy.  I'm doing ok, and realize it was just never meant to happen for various reasons ::: cough he'sawhore cough ::  Of course, it doesn't stop him from telling me how much he still loves me and wishes we never broke up...and then in the next breath, ask if I would like to see an ultrasound image of "the baby". The Baby... aw, cootchie coo, what a proud daddy he is.  And if you didn't notice the sarcasm dripping off of that statement, I'll explain it to you. I can't help but still be stung on this whole baby thing.  The idea is wedged so far under my skin that I'm start...

  So here's what I want to know:  How is the hell is a person supposed to stay all positive and happy and cool as a cucumber when said person keeps getting the Whammy in life?  I'm waiting for some corny game show host to come out of the closet with his sepia tan, waxed hair and skinny microphone, pat me on the shoulder and say "Aw, so sorry, but thanks so much for playing!" You know what I say?  Screw you, Monty Hall of life, and all your booby prizes too. I hope you get lost behind Curtain #3.  Bastard.   Obviously something triggered my little game-show-metaphor-filled rant; something always does. Aside from just more BS with SP (who is becoming more hassle than he's worth to me at this point, but more on that  later), I have found myself back at Square 1-AGAIN-in the old search for work.  I interviewed (and WELL) for a position I was perfect for, and vice versa, and got the polite brush off via email this afternoon.  This is honestly ju...

    Spent some time with SP yesterday, and got  into a pretty deep conversation about the pitfalls and mistakes in relationships.  He surprised me by pointing out a lot of things men do that really fuck a woman up, but all the while thinking they're in the right.  I was shocked just to hear this not only come from his mouth, but his disdain for all the games as a whole.  We seemed to be on the same level and wavelength about most of our relationship ideals and expectations, and it was a pretty enlightening conversation.  Then we made out.   The reason for my visit in the first place was because, for the first time, he reached out to me on an emotional level.  He texted me telling me how off he was feeling, just upset and sad for some reason, which was weird because, (one) he's ALWAYS happy, and (two) this sort of "reach out" had never happened before; he even went so far as to ask me to come over to hug him-I was shocked and sort of mov...

I was always that person who stressed that biology and family are not mutually inclusive.  Most of who I consider "family" are people from a totally different set of genetics.  Family is whatever and whomever you make it.  This was an ideology rooted in me from birth, and something that I'm proud to believe in.   My maternal grandparents divorced sometime in the late 60's, leaving my mother an only child, and in 1972, Grandpa married a divorcee with 4 kids of her own.  From the time I was born, I recognized all of these people as my family, and never once questioned the fact that we weren't actually related.  Gramps wife was my Mema, and I saw her as nothing less than my grandma-I was the lucky kid with THREE of them.  Her kids were my aunts and uncle; their kids, my cousins, and I was the oldest of 8 of us.  Some of my favorite memories growing up involve these people.  I was closer to them than I was to my flesh and blood from my father's ...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman

..."Why ya have to go and make things so complicated??..."  Damn, I went and did it anyway.  Fuck it. So, I've come to an intelligent conclusion-wanna hear it? Of course you do, you came here seeking wisdom, so here it is:  Boys are crazier than girls.  I know!!  I'm a freakin' genius! I just couldn't help it; I came up with that all by myself, now where's my Nobel prize? I'm still running around with visions of SP dancing in my head...ok, well, he's not so much dancing,  as he's...nevermind. Anyway, so I still have my feelings, so evidently I didn't just come down with some 24 hour love flu or something; it looks like it may be the real deal.  I haven't told him yet tho because I'm a huge F'n chicken and have no idea how to kick that off... "That shirt looks fantastic stretched over your gigantic chest, oh, and by the way, I'm crazy in love with you."  Um, yeah.  Probably not the best delivery.  I HAVE, howeve...

I can feel myself backsliding into that dark area again.  It's not like before, not as intense, but I can feel it wrapping itself around my ankles and trying to pull me down. I've made huge strides to get myself out of that place, but every now and then it's gotta drop over me like a cloud to remind me where I came from and how easy it is to go back.   I'm carrying around a lot of heavy burdens, so sinking from the weight of it all makes sense.  I'm still reeling from the news from the Ex; learning how to deal with that is proving to be harder than I thought.  The anger and sadness churn inside me like a bubbling witches brew.  When you're an outsider, it's easy to say how 'better off' I am, and how 'things happen for a reason', but you aren't inside of me feeling that burn. I've been more plagued with guilt and shame than usual over my decision 5 years ago.  Just another brick in my burden bag.   My love life is completely stalled...

I carry a thought around in my head all the time that I never wanted to share here, for various reasons.  Tonight, I stopped giving a fuck about those reasons and I'm all about full disclosure, say what you will to me about it. I always thought in the back of my mind that the Ex and I would somehow run full circle, and end up together in the end.  I believed that's where we belonged, problems be damned.  I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I figured we would take our time, explore other options, maybe fall in love elesewhere, whatever, but in the end, circle back to home and start fresh.  He was always mine, and I was always his. There's a poem by Maya Angelou called In and Out of Time that sums us up perfectly.  I carried that around in my head, idealistic, believing what I dreamed is what would be, eventually.  I was content in waiting for that. Today I was hit by a reality check that knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't breathe. Ex is go...

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I knew no other way than this, where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you'. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"....Pablo Neruda I was going through some old things, letters and emails and such, and I fell on this.  I sent it to the Ex on his last birthday, even after the cheating scandal.  I couldn't help myself-it was just so fitting for what was and what could have been.  As I read it tonight, this river of tears bubbled up out of nowhere and flowed down my face like a waterfall, and before I knew it, I was outright sobbing.  Wasn't it just a short time ago that I was just doing my little celebratory dance and rejoicing the fact that I had him out of my system?  Ah...who am I kidding but myself anyway?  He's lodged in there too tightly.  I know de...

I may as well come right out with it.  I've decided to take a break for a while.  No blogs, no FB updates, nada.  I have a jumbly jungle of thoughts and emotions swimming around inside me now and I need some time to sort them all out.  In short, I'm kind of a basket case right now.  Between what's happening/not happening with SP, and new details I learned about my ex, on top of being cooped up in my bed for 5 days now and only having time to think, my head and soul are a complete disaster area, and my brain just can't keep up.  I'm sort of on overload, and if another shoe drops, I'm afraid to know what will happen. I'm gonna spend some time focusing on myself, and try to remember who I am, and that I am worthy of good things.  Maybe once I believe that, they'll finally come.

Hearts are pointless, and love is a myth. Go ahead and disagree with me if you must, or try to talk me out of it.  Good luck with that.  For a while I started to fall back into the hype, wanting it, believing in it, even after my own heart was obliterated and I promised myself it would be the last time.  Now?  I give up completely on the entire idea.  It doesn't exist-not for me.  I'm tired of putting my whole self out there only to pull back a bloody stump. I should probably rewind a little. When I spend time with SP, things are great.  Amazing.  Everything I said in my earlier posts were real and from the soul.  He made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore, and I wanted to believe he felt similarly for me as well.  For a while, I did, so I let myself get comfortable in that idea.  Soon after, the phone calls and texts and emails became less and less frequent.  I would start to doubt myself, and him...then he...

I must have been dead for a long time.  Some people went and got all complacent about me, and never really saw my other side.  I guess that's my fault, because I hid that shit well.  I'm awake now fuckers, fully alert and present, and you have just stepped on a landmine.  If you hurry and backpedal, you may escape with your face somewhat in tact.  You underestimated me, and have no idea what I'm capable of.   I don't take kindly to idle threats-I never have.  I also don't find myself physically or emotionally intimidated by many people, if any at all.  I take pride in the fact that I'm a tough as nails bitch who will go toe to toe with just about anyone, and laugh as I watch them scamper away like a bitch when I simply cock my eyebrow.  Unfortunately some dumb motherfuckers mistake my kindness for weakness, which is the first mistake of many.  I find it HILARIOUS when people who have never even witnessed a physical altercation take it u...