Fuggedaboudit
Hearts are pointless, and love is a myth. Go ahead and disagree with me if you must, or try to talk me out of it. Good luck with that. For a while I started to fall back into the hype, wanting it, believing in it, even after my own heart was obliterated and I promised myself it would be the last time. Now? I give up completely on the entire idea. It doesn't exist-not for me. I'm tired of putting my whole self out there only to pull back a bloody stump.
I should probably rewind a little.
When I spend time with SP, things are great. Amazing. Everything I said in my earlier posts were real and from the soul. He made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore, and I wanted to believe he felt similarly for me as well. For a while, I did, so I let myself get comfortable in that idea. Soon after, the phone calls and texts and emails became less and less frequent. I would start to doubt myself, and him...then he would invite me over again and the cycle would repeat. Last week was different, in a good way. Our time together was better than all the others, and I felt like things were really starting to take shape. We were becoming something tangible, and I was becoming more comfortable with the idea of telling him how I felt, I just needed time to form the right words. Once again, the contact faded a bit over the week, and I was lucky to get a "hello" back from him when I sent him a message. Fast forward to tonight. I haven't seen him since last Wednesday, so I hit him up, not expecting much. Immediately I got a "hello beautiful". Faith somewhat restored, I pressed on, and we chatted for a good 40 minutes back and forth. At this point I was feeling pretty confident, and decided it was now or never. Instead of coming right out with a juvenile "I really like you do you like me too?" kind of question, I decided to put feelers out and give him a vague, hypothetical scenario, albeit a very thinly veiled one. I posed it to him like this: 'If you had something on your mind, would you keep it to yourself and ride things out, no matter where it may take you, or would you spill, and risk rocking the boat?'
I just wanted to get some idea of where he was when it came to his feelings for me-if they were good, he would have said 'spill'. If they were undecided, he would have said to lock them up. I got neither. I only got complete and total silence. He's a very astute and perceptive guy, so I guess I got my answer, just not one I ever planned for.
Everyone says to make your feelings known if you like someone. I guess 'everyone' didn't take into account what would happen of that person didn't feel anything close to what you did. I feel like a complete idiot, because once again I let my heart think for me. I'll never make that mistake again. I'm done. I can't imagine why anyone would want to take such a risk and end up feeling like this more than once. Love really is a myth.
I should probably rewind a little.
When I spend time with SP, things are great. Amazing. Everything I said in my earlier posts were real and from the soul. He made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore, and I wanted to believe he felt similarly for me as well. For a while, I did, so I let myself get comfortable in that idea. Soon after, the phone calls and texts and emails became less and less frequent. I would start to doubt myself, and him...then he would invite me over again and the cycle would repeat. Last week was different, in a good way. Our time together was better than all the others, and I felt like things were really starting to take shape. We were becoming something tangible, and I was becoming more comfortable with the idea of telling him how I felt, I just needed time to form the right words. Once again, the contact faded a bit over the week, and I was lucky to get a "hello" back from him when I sent him a message. Fast forward to tonight. I haven't seen him since last Wednesday, so I hit him up, not expecting much. Immediately I got a "hello beautiful". Faith somewhat restored, I pressed on, and we chatted for a good 40 minutes back and forth. At this point I was feeling pretty confident, and decided it was now or never. Instead of coming right out with a juvenile "I really like you do you like me too?" kind of question, I decided to put feelers out and give him a vague, hypothetical scenario, albeit a very thinly veiled one. I posed it to him like this: 'If you had something on your mind, would you keep it to yourself and ride things out, no matter where it may take you, or would you spill, and risk rocking the boat?'
I just wanted to get some idea of where he was when it came to his feelings for me-if they were good, he would have said 'spill'. If they were undecided, he would have said to lock them up. I got neither. I only got complete and total silence. He's a very astute and perceptive guy, so I guess I got my answer, just not one I ever planned for.
Everyone says to make your feelings known if you like someone. I guess 'everyone' didn't take into account what would happen of that person didn't feel anything close to what you did. I feel like a complete idiot, because once again I let my heart think for me. I'll never make that mistake again. I'm done. I can't imagine why anyone would want to take such a risk and end up feeling like this more than once. Love really is a myth.
Spazz! Did you ever think that SP was just a stepping stone and a rebound out of the shit that you just came away from? So now that "nothing" was really talked about, what difference would have it made if you actually told him up front that you liked him. At least it would have been honest, real and up front. Not the pansy's way about it? Yes, rejection sucks. We've all had to deal with it. Ya wanna know a little tid-bit. Why you were wasting years going back and forth is Rams, people like me were getting their heart broken repeatedly again and again, willingly. Because I still believe in love. We aren't meant to end up with a bunch of people and you have to go through stages in your life figuring out who that someone is. And at the end of each experience (hint hint "end), you are a little bit wiser knowing that your "forever" is closer than he was before. If I showed the timeline of dudes it took for me to find Reese you would be floored and exhausted. And don't worry, it is coming out in book for. To give people hope. You'll never win on the first try, no one does. You're back in the game and you need to focus on JUST YOU! Stop worrying about guys because until you are right in the head and the heart you won't find someone who is the same.
ReplyDeleteI love you! SEE!! Love is real because I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU FEESHFEESH!!! And nothing can change that. Well, if you run over my dog on purpose, we'll have words. :)
Meeshmeesh