::Let Me Clear My Throat::

Being single allows you lots of time to reflect.  For instance, I reflect on my past relationships.  What did I learn from them?  What could I have done differently?  How did they change me as a person? That sort of stuff.  This sort of reflection allows you to face truths about your relationships that maybe you didn't see before. My truth hauled off and smacked me in the face, only because I didn't want to face it before, even though I always knew it was there.  You ready for it? It's a doozy: A man has never been in love with me. Ever. After a good handful of serious relationships throughout my teenage/adult life, this revelation seems random and hard to believe, I know, but after really looking into it, I'm sad to announce that it's true.  Perhaps we should explore this, complete with bullet points for clarity... My first very serious relationship was with Baby Daddy #1 , God rest his soul. I was seventeen, and we lasted just shy of 3 years. ...

::sigh:: Who wants to guess what this post is about?  Anyone? Bueller?? True to form (mine), New Boyfriend is now in the Ex pile.  Crossed off the list and next-ed like a bad MTV show.  He lasted just under a month, just when I actually thought, finally, that I was done looking for a while. Unfortunately, I am a magnet for self absorbed liars that, at the end of the day, only want to get into my pants,  In his case, he wanted to see me get into the pants of others, and was adamant that it would happen ASAP.  He also faked the funk on the love stuff, but kept dragging me along anyway, hoping that said events would still take place.  This, accompanied by a few more lies and virtually no remorse, pretty much hermetically sealed the coffin. Oh, but he had an excuse-you ready for this one? It's a doozy. He was unsure he wanted to be my boyfriend because of the state of my driving priveleges.  He said he 'reevaluated' our relationship the night I tol...

  Your call today came as a great surprise to me, being that we haven’t spoken in more than three months.  I would be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking of you lately; You cross my mind in passing quite often, and I’ve wondered how life has been treating you and how you’ve been adjusting to all the changes.  It was nice to hear that not much has changed for you. Yes, I said "nice".  It means I am not missing much afterall.  I don't wallow in your misery, but as far as the “healing process” goes, nothing helps more than knowing your ex is still scraping the bottom, just as you were when we broke up.  I have come far, and you…haven’t.  Please, don’t think me bitter, because I’m not.  The good person in me truly wants better for you, to know that you’ve turned your life around and become an upstanding citizen.  The scorned woman you left behind, however, is dancing in her panties knowing that you haven’t changed shit since we split, and th...

  Yesterday, through the wonders of social media, I stumbled upon the "wonderful news" I have been dreading for the past 9 months.  I was left with a sick feeling in my gut and a sort of weird numbness for the rest of the day, not really sure what my reaction to the news was.  I went on autopilot, and I think I even mumbled out a half-hearted congratulatory email to the new dad.  My brain was in a complete fog. Now that the news has really sunk in, the fog is gone and I have that caved in, kicked in the chest feeling that is far too familiar for my liking.  Logically speaking, yes, I knew this was an impending doom and have had nearly a year to get used to the idea, but it was never "real"...now it is.  There is no avoiding it now, or pretending it's not happening, and that in itself is gut wrenching.  I have to force myself to not think about it, not wonder about his reaction upon seeing his little boy for the first time and then naturally compa...

::sigh::   I'm having another 'I miss The Ex' episode today.   It's not as impossible-feeling as the last one, when it felt like  if I didn't see him I would tear my skin off, but it's making me anxious nonetheless. I've been thinking about him lately, more so than usual.  Sometimes the strangest things become a trigger, and he's taking up every last corner of my mind-it's an odd sensation.  Last night it was a quote from a movie...I was plugging along just fine, not a care in the world, in a happy mood, and BAM!   It was waterworks, like someone reached inside me and opened the tap. It's going on two years now, and just when I think I have it licked, I get blindsided with one more lashing and my progress goes back two steps.  I wonder how long this is supposed to last.   I decided today that I would just drop over at his house and pay him a visit.  I never wanted to do this before and I told him so, but he always stressed how I was...

I'm here, which means something is on my mind. It's eating me up like a fat kid at a dessert buffet. This has been a looong two months.   The Ex?  Yeah, I miss him . Not just in an "hm, I kinda miss him oh well" way, but in a "he's taking up my head space making it difficult to concentrate" way. WAIT!  Before you kick me or laugh at me or slap me in the head, hear me out, because it might not be what you think.   I want to mention before I continue this rant that I don't miss our relationship, I don't want him back, and I don't really miss him in an "I love him" sorta way--I think I just miss having him around, and that thought alone really bothers me. I think of him constantly , and it's almost bordering on compulsive.  I have plenty to concentrate on and keep me busy, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of dropping by his house just to see his face...or a minute that goes by that I don't wonde...

Ladies and...well, ladies, I have tapped into my geyser of raw strength.  It's so funny when you stumble upon something you didn't even know it was there, but I found it, and have been exercising some demons the last few days.  Let's take it from the top, shall we?   I spent some time with SP yesterday.  I haven't seen him since he accompanied me to the wedding last weekend, and we really  hadn't talked to much since then.  If you've read my recent posts, you know that my relationship with SP is very bipolar.  I don't feel a lot of stability with him, and doubts frequently creep in through the many cracks in our quasi-relationship.  Yesterday I was feeling strong, so I confronted him, opening up my chest and dropping my heart on the table, and was fully prepared to snatch it back and leave if he didn't give me the answer I was looking for.  I asked him point blank: did he see a future with us or am I wasting my time?  I admit, I almost...

Has something ever clicked for you so hard and loud that it felt like you were hit by a locomotive? Praise the Goddess, for today I have seen the Light, Halleluyer . Just to reiterate a few earlier posts, I have no more issues with the 'being over The Ex' stuff; I've been doing just fine, trucking along without any of that sadness crap.  We talk once or twice a week without any issues, and have even hung out all buddy-buddy like sans drama.  We managed to make some semblance of a friendship work for us. Being that friend, I still take it upon myself to kinda look out for him, make sure he's taking care of himself, and having a regard for his life in general. It's just something that seems to come with the territory.  I tried to be encouraging, pushing him to get his shit together.  I even got it in his head to go back to school and get certified in Electrical Maintenance, which would ultimately land him a job making upwards of $30 an hour.  At first, I ac...

I haven't posted much about The Ex in a while, so let me wax philosophical on him for a spell. Before I go into it, I just want to reiterate that I have been doing just fine with the 'being over him' stuff.  Sure, there are still lingering feelings, and most likely always will be.  I would be remiss if I ever said there wasn't after spending half a decade with the guy.  I'm doing ok, and realize it was just never meant to happen for various reasons ::: cough he'sawhore cough ::  Of course, it doesn't stop him from telling me how much he still loves me and wishes we never broke up...and then in the next breath, ask if I would like to see an ultrasound image of "the baby". The Baby... aw, cootchie coo, what a proud daddy he is.  And if you didn't notice the sarcasm dripping off of that statement, I'll explain it to you. I can't help but still be stung on this whole baby thing.  The idea is wedged so far under my skin that I'm start...

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I knew no other way than this, where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you'. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"....Pablo Neruda I was going through some old things, letters and emails and such, and I fell on this.  I sent it to the Ex on his last birthday, even after the cheating scandal.  I couldn't help myself-it was just so fitting for what was and what could have been.  As I read it tonight, this river of tears bubbled up out of nowhere and flowed down my face like a waterfall, and before I knew it, I was outright sobbing.  Wasn't it just a short time ago that I was just doing my little celebratory dance and rejoicing the fact that I had him out of my system?  Ah...who am I kidding but myself anyway?  He's lodged in there too tightly.  I know de...

I think I have finally released the Kracken.  (I like that word...Kracken. Anyway..) By 'Kracken' I mean the Evil Ex.  I think I have finally shaken the last bits of his dust off of me, and am finally breathing clearly.  Take a deep, cleansing breath with me, would you? Innnnnnnnn....and ooouuuuutttt...Ah.   This is how it is tho:  My feelings haven't changed for him; I still love him immensely, but it has shifted into a different place inside of me, and now there's room again for other things...and other people. Kind of like when you move things into the attic or the basement-you still enjoy digging around in them from time to time, but you just don't have room for it in your everyday life anymore.  That's how it feels for me.  And I'm OK with it, no lingering burning feelings whatsoever.  No holes in my chest, no empty feeling, no longing. A member of his family called me earlier today to invite me to an event, and I declined, just because I hon...

I'm having a bit of a bad go today.  The Evil Ex has taken up most of my head space, and I've been having a hard time shaking it.  It didn't help when I drove past his house and saw him all cozy in the front yard with his new victim.  I'd be lying if I said that didn't feel like a buckshot to the chest.  It's nice to know that it's really that simple for him.  Hopefully seeing for myself that he couldn't give less of a shit about me will help me finally shed him for good.  Still, it fuckin' hurts and I wish like hell it would go away sooner.  I feel like I'm drowning in this shit and it's just starting to get annoying now.   Now that my legal troubles are out of the way, I'm in a desperate state:  I need to get OUT of my mother's house before I shove her in front of a train.  She and I living together for any length of time ranks right up there with impossible, and I have homicidal thoughts about her at least once a day.  Starting ...

Dear Zilla,    If you're reading this now, good.  I  think figured out why you're getting my posts, but I'm not fixing it.  I WANT you to read them.  Everything I ever wanted you to know or wanted to say to you but couldn't is in here.  I think you should subscribe and enjoy the ride.  You may learn a few things, like how your selfish actions affect those around you, i.e., ME .  Maybe together, we can teach you how to grow a heart again and learn how to use it. Sincerely, The "Love of Your Life"