Kickstart My Heart
I think the old ticker could use a jump start. I don't think I can recall a time when I was this-what's the word?-unaffected? Impassive? Blasé? Actually I think 'blasé' sums it up pretty well. Nothing has really shaken me up lately, not that I'm a glutton for drama, but I don't like feeling so apathetic.
Mostly this feeling centers on my love life. Things are once again at a standstill with SP, and yes, it bothers me, but not as much as I think it should, being that I feel for him the way that I do. That, in itself, is another issue that I want to tackle, but I'm gonna try to stay on track. The best way to sum up my feelings for him is ambiguous. I love him, but it's not all encompassing, and if things don't work out, it will bother me but not end me. It's all very "Eh."
Despite what's not happening with SP, I haven't been lacking male attention. As a matter of fact, I've been getting more than ever-more than I can handle, really-and ordinarily, this would be something that would thrill me. Unfortunately the best reaction I can conjure up is some mild excitement at first before my interest flickers out. Some of these guys are actually pretty great, but I can't bring myself to feel any interest past a few conversations. Full disclosure: I get mind numbingly bored. Quickly. Which brings me to my theory:
The Ex? Yeah.. pretty sure he broke me.
The last time I felt for someone 'down into my bones' was for him. My feelings for SP, as genuine as they are, still don't come close to what they were for The Ex. I literally feel as if I'm dysfunctional. Refurbished. Like things are always gonna be a little dull. It fuckin' sucks! In the end, he got the last laugh. That desire to hit him with my car flickers back to life when I think about it.
Since I'm on the Ex subject, I may as well get this off my chest.
I know saying a permanent goodbye was the right thing to do, and it was a long time coming. It took a huge amount of guts for me to do that, and it was fucking hard. I have no plans of going back on my word, because I know I'll just have to do it over again when his demon spawn is born. I will say this: Every day that has passed so far, I have second guessed my decision. Every day that has passed, I've thought about him, and wondered if I could live with not speaking to him ever again. And every day that I've thought about that, even though my head tells me I made the right choice, I get a hot little twist in my heart. That hot little twist is the most tangible feeling I've had in weeks. I can't help but wonder what the hell it means.
Maybe if I can finally hit the ground running with SP, I'll be able to shake the dullness and finally feel something that knocks me over again. This ambivalence shit may have been cool when I was 17, but now I just feel half alive. Somebody turn me up to 11..or maybe send Nikki Sixx my way to take care of the kickstarting thing...lol...
I would like you to look at your life from a 3rd party perspective and try to find out why you are feeling the way you are.
ReplyDelete1) You grew up from a very young age with a lot of drama in your life. IE you are correlating drama with love. Example: If someone is having a strong, dramatic emotional outburst, it means that you effect them greatly and they truly care. But that's not always the case. And now that there's not "much drama" you're bored.
2) If the ex "broke you", why haven't you taken ample time to fix yourself. Another relationship or someone else will not and cannot put the pieces back together. It might help a little bit like getting the strength to, but ultimately you have to put you back together all by yourself.
3) please copy and paste link.
http://datinglikeamaster.blogspot.com/2011/06/gimme-break-gimme-break-break-me-off.html
It feels great to get the attention from others. You get a sense of vindication for your existence and everyone deserves that. But sometimes it can be a distraction from finding self motivation inner peace. If things are flowing smoothing with SP like they should be, stop dangling the carrot in front of your heart. Have you ever considered that SP was the rebound you needed to help ease your addiction away from "the Ex" and now that you have successfully detoxed its time to move forward with a new chapter of your life.
Love you girl! Take time to find you without emotional distractions of others.
Its not that I want or crave the drama...I'm positive that I don't lol..and I was pretty convinced that I was ok with the 'fixing me' stuff-I haven't really had any issues in that department, and have been feeling pretty strong. Its very possible that SP is just a rebound-I have feelings for him, but not much motivation to put in any more effort with him than I already am. I understand where you're coming from tho, especially your example, and that may very well be true. Im so USED to having drama that it feels kind of odd without it, even tho I'm not actually, consciously seeking it out. I want to find someone that causes a reaction in me, and so far the ones I've met haven't. It could be them or it could be me. I'm just trying to figure that out.
ReplyDeleteGirl, you and I are so much alike in many ways. Well outside of having kids portion. Feeling that fire inside when you are with someone is well deserved and if SP doesn't fuel it then you need to figure out his purpose.
ReplyDeleteYou can totally have feelings for the rebound. Shit, I've been the rebound I don't know how many times and also fallen for rebounds too. They are meant to fill a hole that we are trying to fix in ourselves. They are kinda like miracle-gro for healing. But once healed you notice their use is no longer needed. Don't fight it. We are not meant to be with everyone we fall for. If we were, we'd be a twisted version of the sister wives. Bring me my mens!
HA! Love you!