::Let Me Clear My Throat::

The audacity of people never ceases to amaze me. How do I get roped up with the ones without a modicum of respect or decency? Oh, I know why, because I'm a Mother Theresa fucking MORON. I have a sign on me that says "Please, piss all over me, but if you get into trouble, don't hesitate to call me!" I've come to realize that there are two kinds of people in the world: Those that love you, and those that love to take you for granted. Unfortunately, I most often get stuck with the latter, and instead of setting them on fire and laughing while they fry, I invite them to dinner. It's literally like having Satan as your buddy; you know it’s wrong, you hide it from everyone, and just as you predicted, he gets you to do things that seem cool at the time and you end up hating yourself for it later and praying to God to save you from him because you don't have the power to say no to him. Fortunately for me, and for God, (He's a busy guy) all it took this time

  So eloquently put by my favorite band, 30 Seconds To Mars, and coincidentally, it's also exactly how I feel.   There's that moment when you're about to be in a huge car wreck when everything goes into slow motion.  The impact comes, which sends you hurtling through the windshield, but in the moment you feel none of it, (I'm guessing the adrenaline and surrealism of the moment has something to do with that.) but a few hours later, as the shock fades, the pain rolls in and you're in the most agonizing pain you have ever felt in your life.  That's how I feel now.  The shock and surrealism of finding out about Grande's many, MANY exploits over the course of our relationship has worn off, only to leave excruciating pain in it's wake, like the slime on a snail trail.  There aren't enough words in the English language, or any other language, to explain the magnitude of my pain right now.  I feel as if half of me was ripped off and burned into ashes.  Ho

  I thought that after my last post I would start to feel better.  Truthfully, I pretty much flatlined-no better, no worse....that is, until today.  I wish I could promise this entry would have a positive spin, not just to the reader, but to myself.  Sadly, I disappoint yet again.   Today started off at around a 3, but quickly faded.  As of now it's at about a 0.5.  I'm barely holding on to my sanity with my fingernails, and don't really feel like trying anymore.  In my already fragile emotional state, someone who shall remain nameless decided to add a few more loads to the already overflowing pile of shit I'm buried beneath.  I'm suffocating, and I have no more fight in me.  I'm ready to just be consumed by it all and be done with it.  I'm tired of fighting a losing battle, and I can't help but wonder what the point is.  I'm expelling all this energy to live a life I can't stand.  I have no happiness, it always gets taken away or dampened by a

  On a scale from one to ten, today is about a 2.  I can't shake the dull ache of sadness that has crept over me.  I feel like I'm trapped inside myself and there's no way out.  Thoughts of my problems are on overdrive, eating at me, suffocating me, and I'm alone with no distractions and nobody to lean on to take me out of it for a while.  Depression is holding me hostage, and there's no rescue for this.  I want out.

Let me just make this clear first: I don't wish to be wealthy. Some people do, and I don't judge, I'm just not one of them. I'm too much of a realist. Sure, I'd be glad if it happened, ( duh) but I try to stay grounded and wish for more attainable goals, like just being comfortable. Not even that-I just wish to be OK. I want to know that all my bills will get paid every month and nothing is being shut off. I want to be able to pay my rent on time every month and not be afraid to speak to my landlord for fear that he wants to evict me. I don't want to have to choose between these things and making sure my kids eat. Right now tho, nothing is "OK", and everything that I am afraid of is actually happening. Struggling is making me more and more bitter as each day passes, and I'm inadvertently resenting people who have it better than I do. I wonder what it's like to have that "OK" feeling, instead of a knot on your stomach and stress eatin

The audacity of people amazes me. Shocks the fuck outta me would be a better phrase. Grande and I have been split up for more than 2 months, but have continued to talk and hang out. Ive listened to his endless blubbering about how much he misses me and nobody can compare to me, and how just looking at my face makes him cry. He told me how he couldn't, wouldn't want anyone else but me. Of course, I didn't buy any of that jive for a second, but I let him say so. I also told him in turn that if/when he decided to move on, to tell me so, because I really do want to know. Ive also asked him quite pointedly on a few occasions if he did have someone in the wings...it was always met with an incredulous and emphatic "NOO!!" and usually followed up with the stuff above. Ok, Im fair, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Of course, it always comes back to bite me. It does NOT pay to be benevolent. I wonder sometimes if I have an idiot magnet. Do I attract these assholes??

Sometimes I wonder if I'm God's practical joke. I wonder if He looks down on me and sees how I deal with the crap He throws at me everyday, and if he laughs while I suffer. I'm sure he gets a great chuckle at watching me run around all flustered and stressed out, trying to patch up one corner of my life while the others start crumbling away. He can obviously see that it's a futile effort, trying to maintain my life and sanity at once, but he knows that he "blessed" me with an unfaltering resolve to keep trying anyway. Its the worst kind of cruelty. Everybody needs entertainment tho, even God, right? Guess there's no escaping that. I noticed that whenever I'm granted a little something, I can't seem to escape a few kicks in the ass to back it up. Nothing can ever just be good all the way around. Its as if Im only allowed a little, temporary morsel of happiness and contentment, only to have it sucked away as soon as I grab for it. I would s

His promises are the downfall of our relationship. They are empty and not well thought out, and just spewed in a moment of word vomit just to move past whatever situation he would rather deal with later. See also: "Lying Through His Teeth". I won't go into detail with this one, but suffice it to say that we got into it again over a recurring issue. He left in the middle of the night, chucking more than a few nasty insults behind him on the way out the door. ( To where? Nobody knows.) In my defense, I didn't kick him out this time, but didn't encourage him to stay either. I played by the rules with everything this time, and he gave up like the lying jackass he is. I told him it would be the last contact he would ever have with me, and to make sure he knew what he was doing. He left anyway. Whether he's regretting that decision now is something only he knows, but at this point I don't care to find out. I'm sticking by what I said. I've been having

So Grande has been locked away for a few weeks. We split up just before he went away, because, of course, no issue with us can ever be simply resolved, and I reached the end of my rope. After 2 weeks of being apart, I was able to think more clearly, and find a path that worked for me. I decided that investing 4 years in a relationship, only to get nothing out of it at the end seemed like a waste. I want to be able to say that I did absolutely EVERYTHING in my power to make it work, because if it doesn't, I won't feel like I failed somewhere. So I ventured out; extended the proverbial olive branch. I sat down, and poured out every last inch of my guts into a letter, saying everything I've ever wanted to say but was always too proud to. Afterward, I felt cleansed. I was met with gratitude, inspiration, and renewed hope from the recipient. We spoke a few times after that on the phone, always nice, sweet conversations, almost like we used to have. He missed me, and missed us, a