Curveball

I carry a thought around in my head all the time that I never wanted to share here, for various reasons.  Tonight, I stopped giving a fuck about those reasons and I'm all about full disclosure, say what you will to me about it.

I always thought in the back of my mind that the Ex and I would somehow run full circle, and end up together in the end.  I believed that's where we belonged, problems be damned.  I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I figured we would take our time, explore other options, maybe fall in love elesewhere, whatever, but in the end, circle back to home and start fresh.  He was always mine, and I was always his. There's a poem by Maya Angelou called In and Out of Time that sums us up perfectly.  I carried that around in my head, idealistic, believing what I dreamed is what would be, eventually.  I was content in waiting for that.

Today I was hit by a reality check that knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't breathe.

Ex is gonna be a daddy.  The momma isn't me, obviously.  That last string was finally broken, and now there is nothing left holding us together.

I'm still trying to find my breath.  I don't really know how to handle this.
I know I shouldn't have to "handle" anything; I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does-I feel like I was kicked in the chest.  The words "That was supposed to be us" keep flashing in my head like a neon sign.

There is a complicated twist to my story that makes it that much more heartbreaking.

6 months into our relationship, I got pregnant.  We decided not to go through with the pregnancy for different reasons, one of them being he just 'wasn't ready' to be a dad, and I wasn't about to raise another kid alone.  It's something that haunts me every single day of my life, and my absolute biggest regret.  He watched me crying, in agony over my decision, for years after.  Sometimes he joined me.

Now, I just feel like I wasn't 'good enough' to carry his child, but apparently, new gf has what it takes.  Why?
I still feel the sting from the slap in the face, and regret my decision even more now.
I've taken alot of kicks, but this one really takes the medal for the ultimate obliteration.

I'm dreading the day a year from now that I see him cradling a baby in his arms that didn't come from me, loving it like he should have loved ours, playing doting daddy and mommy with a woman who barely knows him and who isn't me.  I dread seeing his mother loving the new grandchild that she used to beg us for, knowing that it wasn't me to give it to her. I don't know why, but that's the one that kills me the most.

After everything I've done, the overwhelming way I loved him, everything we shared and all the memories we have, I'm now just left to fade into the background while he moves on with a new family.  Like I never existed.  Like I never was.