::Let Me Clear My Throat::

 I have no more 'Yippie' for the holidays. Frankly, I feel drained and grumpy, and have zero desire to take part in the usual traditions. For example, right now I'm sitting in front of the mess that is my deconstructed Christmas tree, complete with all it's usual accoutrements. I want to cover it all with a blanket and forget it's sitting here. I have no holly jolly, just some 'I hate everyone', and a little 'fuck this shit'.  My family no doubt adds to this melancholy, or really, if I'm being honest, plant the seed in the first place. Nobody is thoughtful, or creative or particularly festive. Shared Christmas lists are no longer suggestions, but more like a grocery list, so the element of surprise and whimsy is completely lost. Nobody tries anymore. They don't listen or care. Everyone is imperial, too self centered to give a damn about others.  This isn't fun anymore. It's become a chore I despise, rather than something to look forwa

 Trauma & heartbreak can fuck your whole world up at the most random points of your life. In my case, it's just my love life. I'm realizing that after walking away from Poppa for the last time, getting ghosted by Flaco two years ago, and everything in between, I've grown a really hard shell. I have no tolerance for games and bullshit anymore, and, as I mentioned in my last post, I could give a shit whether I date.  However, that's not the whole story.  The truth is, I literally ache for connection. I feel an actual, physical yearn for it in my body.  I just don't know how to open myself up to someone anymore to try to get it. It's like I want to sit here in my suit of armor and just sleep, until someone comes and crashes their way inside.  But I know at the end of the day,  that's unrealistic. 

 I've been in a weird space lately.  Going through some changes. Whether these are good or bad changes depends who you ask. I've kind of blossomed in the dating pool recently- before you jump for joy on my behalf, let me finish. I've met a few people. Gone on a few dates. Pulled out one or two old frocks from my dating closet and reconnected. I know, YAY ME, right? Heh...gird your loins. I'm less than excited about any of them and totally cool being alone. WHAT?! It's a pearl clutcher, I know. I didn't set out to be apathetic about dating, it just sorta happened. Six months ago, I would have sold my soul for this kind of attention, and would have already all but welded myself to one of them.  Now it takes maximum effort on their part just to get me to go out with them more than once. I feel kind of bad about it, and don't want to come off like I'm not interested, because I am, genuinely. I think.  I'm just in a space where I could take or leave them.

 I hate that expression 'live your truth'. It sounds so corny and disingenuous. But, alas, here I am, attempting to do just that. HASHTAG #LIVEYOURTRUTH HASHTAG #YAAASQUEEN I reposted something on my social earlier today.  It was an old Buzzfeed listicle about being single for too long that I originally shared 6 years ago.  I captioned it #foreveralone because, well.. When confronted about it, I was caught off guard and immediately went on the offensive. My feelings were making someone else uncomfortable, and in my mind, that's the equivalent of taking up too much space. Immediately I dropped into my trusty Fixer mode, and diffused it with humor: 'Of course I don't actually mean it, HA HA HA.'. 'It's a joooke '.  It probably comes as no surprise that it wasn't really a joke, and, being someone that chooses her words carefully, it's a safe bet that I didn't say it for nothing. My knee jerk reaction was to erase the pitied reaction by pret