::Let Me Clear My Throat::

  Yesterday, through the wonders of social media, I stumbled upon the "wonderful news" I have been dreading for the past 9 months.  I was left with a sick feeling in my gut and a sort of weird numbness for the rest of the day, not really sure what my reaction to the news was.  I went on autopilot, and I think I even mumbled out a half-hearted congratulatory email to the new dad.  My brain was in a complete fog. Now that the news has really sunk in, the fog is gone and I have that caved in, kicked in the chest feeling that is far too familiar for my liking.  Logically speaking, yes, I knew this was an impending doom and have had nearly a year to get used to the idea, but it was never "real"...now it is.  There is no avoiding it now, or pretending it's not happening, and that in itself is gut wrenching.  I have to force myself to not think about it, not wonder about his reaction upon seeing his little boy for the first time and then naturally compa...

::sigh::   I'm having another 'I miss The Ex' episode today.   It's not as impossible-feeling as the last one, when it felt like  if I didn't see him I would tear my skin off, but it's making me anxious nonetheless. I've been thinking about him lately, more so than usual.  Sometimes the strangest things become a trigger, and he's taking up every last corner of my mind-it's an odd sensation.  Last night it was a quote from a movie...I was plugging along just fine, not a care in the world, in a happy mood, and BAM!   It was waterworks, like someone reached inside me and opened the tap. It's going on two years now, and just when I think I have it licked, I get blindsided with one more lashing and my progress goes back two steps.  I wonder how long this is supposed to last.   I decided today that I would just drop over at his house and pay him a visit.  I never wanted to do this before and I told him so, but he always stressed how I was...

For as fragile as love claims to be, I've seen it as anything but.  It's MIGHTY.   The raw power behind it is unmatched.  It has the power to build you up, give you life, sustain the soul.  It also has the power to knock you down lower than you ever imagined possible, implode your insides, and steal your very breath. Now that is a force to be reckoned with.  If I had known the destruction it could cause, I may have saved myself the trouble.  Hindsight is always 20/20.   He told me today that although he 'loves' me, he is no longer 'in love' with me.  It shouldn't have hurt me so much, but just hearing the words for myself, I felt as if I was being burned alive.  Logically, I should have known this was coming, or that it already existed this way.  I shouldn't have expected otherwise...but some part of me did.  Some crazy part of me believed that after everything we managed to get through together, no matter how much we hated each ot...

 I promised myself I wouldn't go too far in depth with this post, so I'll say this-I was wrong about something.  WAY wrong.  I allowed myself to get my hopes up, only to have them bashed in-AGAIN-when I really should have just known better in the first place.  I should have been smart enough to not put myself in a position where I could get kicked to the ground again, and shouldn't have let my emotions lead me around on a leash.  I allowed myself to feel hopeful, good, and all googly eyed over something I shouldn't have, and once again, I'm paying the ultimate price.   I know that I do this to myself.  I allow this shit to keep happening to me, BUT when I take steps to change it, I feel just as bad.  It is literally a no-win situation.  I can't run away from it, and I can't seem to get my hands around it either.  I'm stuck in this middle spot, with no hope of feeling fucking better, and SO damn tired of it hurting just as bad as the las...