::Let Me Clear My Throat::

How, exactly, can I put these feels in terms an outsider can understand? Ok, picture this... There is a huge, sparkly, magical door. You've been standing outside of this door your entire life, knocking, wishing & hoping for it to open, so you can finally be a part of what's on the other side, because it's gotta be pretty amazing.  A few times, someone has deigned to poke an eye through the peep hole, maybe even crack the door an inch. But never, under any circumstances, have you ever been let inside, and after a lifetime of knocking, you still don't know why, but still sit against that door hoping for it to open. I have no relations with my extended family on either side of my lineage.  Some of that is by choice; I blogged about my mother's side of the family a couple hundred posts ago, have yet to have anything to do with those shit eating cunt bags, and thank every higher power in any religion that I share no actual DNA with them.   On the fl...

Whatever relations I had with the family I had left are now shot to hell.  I am now a family of three.   If you know me or are a regular reader, you know that my relationship with the woman who gave birth to me has been contentious at best.  There is too much resentment for us to ever have what's considered a "normal" relationship, and let's not forget that she's a certified lunatic.  We've gone 12 rounds before, separated, and swept it under the rug, adding to the pile that was already there.  Well, the pile has officially runneth over, and there is no more room under that rug. After another scuffle with that woman over nothing but the fact that she's crazy , (this one including my adult brother punching me in the face, adding insult to injury) I am officially done.  My mind is tripping out at the thought of being related to these animals, and I have run out of patience and compassion for the lot of them. The ties are cut for the last time, and the end...

  First things first:  When you have a big secret festering  in you and you feel the need to share it with someone in particular, think about it before you blurt it out.  Make sure that what you tell them will remain between the two of you if that's what you are hoping for, and make sure your confidant is a trustworthy one.  These are things that I didn't think I needed to take into consideration when I decided to tell my mother what my father did to me.  Can you say "Huge Regret"?   It took me 20 long years and a lot of therapy and soul searching to work up the sack to finally confess the biggest secret I've ever had.  It felt good to have it out in the open...for about 60 seconds.  That's how long it took my mother, the "confidant", to get her chismosa ass on the phone and start spreading the news like she was Frank Fucking Sinatra.  The excuses ranged from dumb to shitty, and everytime she did it, I called her on it and asked her t...

Ladies and...well, ladies, I have tapped into my geyser of raw strength.  It's so funny when you stumble upon something you didn't even know it was there, but I found it, and have been exercising some demons the last few days.  Let's take it from the top, shall we?   I spent some time with SP yesterday.  I haven't seen him since he accompanied me to the wedding last weekend, and we really  hadn't talked to much since then.  If you've read my recent posts, you know that my relationship with SP is very bipolar.  I don't feel a lot of stability with him, and doubts frequently creep in through the many cracks in our quasi-relationship.  Yesterday I was feeling strong, so I confronted him, opening up my chest and dropping my heart on the table, and was fully prepared to snatch it back and leave if he didn't give me the answer I was looking for.  I asked him point blank: did he see a future with us or am I wasting my time?  I admit, I almost...

I was always that person who stressed that biology and family are not mutually inclusive.  Most of who I consider "family" are people from a totally different set of genetics.  Family is whatever and whomever you make it.  This was an ideology rooted in me from birth, and something that I'm proud to believe in.   My maternal grandparents divorced sometime in the late 60's, leaving my mother an only child, and in 1972, Grandpa married a divorcee with 4 kids of her own.  From the time I was born, I recognized all of these people as my family, and never once questioned the fact that we weren't actually related.  Gramps wife was my Mema, and I saw her as nothing less than my grandma-I was the lucky kid with THREE of them.  Her kids were my aunts and uncle; their kids, my cousins, and I was the oldest of 8 of us.  Some of my favorite memories growing up involve these people.  I was closer to them than I was to my flesh and blood from my father's ...

I can feel myself backsliding into that dark area again.  It's not like before, not as intense, but I can feel it wrapping itself around my ankles and trying to pull me down. I've made huge strides to get myself out of that place, but every now and then it's gotta drop over me like a cloud to remind me where I came from and how easy it is to go back.   I'm carrying around a lot of heavy burdens, so sinking from the weight of it all makes sense.  I'm still reeling from the news from the Ex; learning how to deal with that is proving to be harder than I thought.  The anger and sadness churn inside me like a bubbling witches brew.  When you're an outsider, it's easy to say how 'better off' I am, and how 'things happen for a reason', but you aren't inside of me feeling that burn. I've been more plagued with guilt and shame than usual over my decision 5 years ago.  Just another brick in my burden bag.   My love life is completely stalled...

This has just gotten beyond ridiculous.  Catch a break? Me?  Not a fuckin' chance.  Better myself?  Not in this lifetime.  Meet a normal guy who is available and actually likes me?  I must be out my damn mind. Funny how things change in just a few hours.  Let me bring you up to speed: -My mother is a batshit crazy loop de loop psychopath who is in dire need of some sort of chemical imbalance treatment or shock therapy or her head cut off.  This person thrives on drama and misery and makes sure whoever is within a 10 ft radius enjoys the same fate.  For this reason, I need to move.  Now. Which brings me to my next point: -School is no longer an option.  I can't afford to not work full time if I'm going to pay for a place.  Guess it's dead end jobs for me for good.  So much for self improvement and keeping myself from ending up like her.  Evidently, it is not in the cards for me to be someone better, and God forbi...

I'm having a bit of a bad go today.  The Evil Ex has taken up most of my head space, and I've been having a hard time shaking it.  It didn't help when I drove past his house and saw him all cozy in the front yard with his new victim.  I'd be lying if I said that didn't feel like a buckshot to the chest.  It's nice to know that it's really that simple for him.  Hopefully seeing for myself that he couldn't give less of a shit about me will help me finally shed him for good.  Still, it fuckin' hurts and I wish like hell it would go away sooner.  I feel like I'm drowning in this shit and it's just starting to get annoying now.   Now that my legal troubles are out of the way, I'm in a desperate state:  I need to get OUT of my mother's house before I shove her in front of a train.  She and I living together for any length of time ranks right up there with impossible, and I have homicidal thoughts about her at least once a day.  Starting ...

Before I sat down to type this out, I told myself I would wait until my sour mood died and put on a happy face for the masses.  I didn't want to pound out yet another angry letter to myself.  Then I thought about it, and realized that was EXACTLY what I wanted to do.  It will keep me from going completely homicidal, at the very least.   After 5 days in the county's finest hotel, I was back on the street at 10:30 this morning with no ride and no way to get one. Standing on the corner of 26th and California by yourself with no money, no phone, and no escape is not a fabulous way to start the day, but I pressed on and maintained a somewhat positive attitude.  Luckily it paid off, and a nice person lent me a phone.  2 hours later, I was FINALLY on my way home. Hurrah.   On my way home, I was informed that I (a) paid to fill up the refrigerator, and (b) was also still expected to shell out rent at the end of the month....You know that record scratch soun...

I make it a point, everyday , no matter how irritated I am with them, to tell my children I love them, my daughter especially. I also make it a point to let my daughter know she is beautiful, worthy, and special, and that she shouldn't allow anyone to make her feel less than that, not even ME.  I will never claim to be June fucking Cleaver, but this is one thing that I know I do right, because I know how horrible it feels to not have it at all. My mother and I have never had a typical relaysh.  We never had the normal, mother/daughter dynamic, something I see and am horrified at now that I have a daughter myself.  Sparing all the gory details, I'll sum it up the best I can.  Moms was an addict for a lot of my life, and the "being a parent" thing never came naturally to her, so unfortunately most of the responsibility fell on my shoulders, something for which I still have resentment issues with her.  Praise was not something I heard often, unless it was a perso...