Weighing Me Down

I'm here, which means something is on my mind. It's eating me up like a fat kid at a dessert buffet. This has been a looong two months.

  The Ex?  Yeah, I miss him . Not just in an "hm, I kinda miss him oh well" way, but in a "he's taking up my head space making it difficult to concentrate" way. WAIT!  Before you kick me or laugh at me or slap me in the head, hear me out, because it might not be what you think.

  I want to mention before I continue this rant that I don't miss our relationship, I don't want him back, and I don't really miss him in an "I love him" sorta way--I think I just miss having him around, and that thought alone really bothers me. I think of him constantly, and it's almost bordering on compulsive.  I have plenty to concentrate on and keep me busy, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of dropping by his house just to see his face...or a minute that goes by that I don't wonder if he's thinking of me too.

  I realize that after my last post, you might read this and come to the conclusion that I only feel this way because I'm a bit lonely these days...Yeah, close, but no cigar.  Even when I was wrapped up in SP, the last person I thought of before I fell asleep was...yep, you guessed it.  Granted, it was easier to stifle this when I had someone taking up my attention, but it was never 'gone', just pushed a bit further back in the drawer. As soon as I was alone, there it was again, front and center.

  I remember saying once that I was his "safe haven" -- that he always came back because he had a level of comfort with me that he didn't have elsewhere.  I never considered the idea that I would feel the same way about him.  I miss having that.  I miss knowing that no matter how much we hated each other at any given moment, if the chips were down, he was always there to offer up some sort of comfort, even if it was just a silly little hug...

There aren't words to describe how much I crave one of those hugs sometimes.

  

As a boyfriend, he obliterated me.  This is something I've stated a hundred times.  But we still had a weird sort of kinship, and I miss the fuck out of that.  It doesn't feel right, not having him around, and it chips away at me every single day.  I feel slightly...dysfunctional? I don't know if that's the right word. It's like a component is missing from my essential make up, and every day that it's gone, I lose just a little more steam.  

  This is kind of a shitty crossroads I'm left at-- I can continue to just miss him, but never have to deal with the agony of watching him move on as "Mr. Family Man", or open the door to him again (and deal with the gashes his new life will no doubt leave in me), but feel that sense of comfort I've been missing so badly just knowing he's there.  Kind of a toss up of which one will hurt the least. It fuckin blows, really.  It's not about him having a girlfriend, it's about him becoming a father.  If a kid wasn't part of the equation, I probably wouldn't have shit to agonize over..I just know I want my friend back.

FULL DISCLOSURE:  This is gonna sound horrible, but I wish every single day for him to have a "You are NOT the father" kind of moment.  I'm a terrible person. Damn you Maury.