::Let Me Clear My Throat::

...and suddenly, your heart is stuck in your throat, and your knees shake, and you can't catch your breath or blink the tears away. This is the moment you break your own heart, and you can only stand with your forehead pressed against the closed door and your fists clenched, hoping to will it all away.  Realizing you're in love with someone you can't have is torture all on its own. Knowing there isn't shit you can do about it but let it consume you is like being burned alive. Walking away isn't an option. I don't know that I could even if it was.  We don't speak about feelings. They're the taboo elephant in the room, and the room is sealed up like a casket.  Talking about this stuff makes it too real, and this was only supposed to be 'fun'...I never expected it to go this far, or to be so much more.  That connection has been there from Day 1, and has grown and twisted like ivy on a trellis over time. Even in the beginning, it was more than physic...

Because it would feel a hell of a lot better than the pain of saying goodbye to my kids yet again.  I'd take broken bones with a smile if I could trade. Tomorrow, once again, I will be at the mercy of the Cook County judicial system.  This time, however, I have no idea how long they plan to keep me.  I will be walking in having no clue when I will walk back out.  The agony of this lack of knowledge is indescribable. Anytime before this, it was easier to swallow.  The kids could mark the days, and were able to prepare ahead of time.  Tonight I had to watch my daughter cry because she was afraid I wouldn't be home for her birthday or Christmas, and listen to my son plead with me to not go at all, even though he knows I have no choice.  Let me tell you, there is nothing... NOTHING more heart shredding than hearing this from them and having no definitive answer to appease them with.  I would rather peel my own fucking skin off. The biggest ass kick...

: Before I begin, I would like to state for the record that since my last post, my celibacy remains intact, despite the night that Flaco spent in my bed last week.  I am that damn awesome, and I will absolutely take that cookie, thankyouverymuch.: Tonight's entry is brought to you by the word "Troubled", and also by the phrase "Melancholy Bitch Slap".  Follow along if you dare. I am...utterly confused.  I don't know how else to word it.  I just don't understand.  Allow me to gloss over a few details to make this jibber-jabbering mess look like English. There's a boy, called "D".  A small piece of this is about him in particular, but mostly about boys in general when it comes to me.  D and I met through a friend over a year ago, but I never had a lot of interest, so we didn't talk much. Two weeks ago he texted me out of the clear blue after months of not talking, and immediately we clicked like a couple of magnets. We talked non stop...

  Yesterday, through the wonders of social media, I stumbled upon the "wonderful news" I have been dreading for the past 9 months.  I was left with a sick feeling in my gut and a sort of weird numbness for the rest of the day, not really sure what my reaction to the news was.  I went on autopilot, and I think I even mumbled out a half-hearted congratulatory email to the new dad.  My brain was in a complete fog. Now that the news has really sunk in, the fog is gone and I have that caved in, kicked in the chest feeling that is far too familiar for my liking.  Logically speaking, yes, I knew this was an impending doom and have had nearly a year to get used to the idea, but it was never "real"...now it is.  There is no avoiding it now, or pretending it's not happening, and that in itself is gut wrenching.  I have to force myself to not think about it, not wonder about his reaction upon seeing his little boy for the first time and then naturally compa...

I can feel myself backsliding into that dark area again.  It's not like before, not as intense, but I can feel it wrapping itself around my ankles and trying to pull me down. I've made huge strides to get myself out of that place, but every now and then it's gotta drop over me like a cloud to remind me where I came from and how easy it is to go back.   I'm carrying around a lot of heavy burdens, so sinking from the weight of it all makes sense.  I'm still reeling from the news from the Ex; learning how to deal with that is proving to be harder than I thought.  The anger and sadness churn inside me like a bubbling witches brew.  When you're an outsider, it's easy to say how 'better off' I am, and how 'things happen for a reason', but you aren't inside of me feeling that burn. I've been more plagued with guilt and shame than usual over my decision 5 years ago.  Just another brick in my burden bag.   My love life is completely stalled...

  Saw him today, just for a little while.  The visit was uneventful, even bordering on dull, just a barbeque with a handful of people.  We didn't talk much, he was busy playing Grill Master, but it suited me ok.  I didn't expect us to get into anything heavy today, and to be honest, I wouldn't have had the energy to get into it anyway. After the last few days I've had,  I'm physically and emotionally drained.  I was just grateful that he even wanted to see me after what happened the other day.   He walked me to my car when I left, and hugged & kissed me goodbye just like he had done hundreds of times before. Told me he loves me, just like he has hundreds of times. This time, reality hit me:  It's not he same anymore-not for him.  And I can feel it. I can feel that he doesn't feel for me.  Not the same way as before.  It was a huge reality check for me-I REALLY have to learn how to let go.  He isn't mine anymore, doesn't ha...