::Let Me Clear My Throat::

That guy on the floor?  Yep, that would be me. I fully realize that the logical thing to do is to dust myself off and get up, but getting up requires more effort than I'm willing to give.  I think I'll just chill here for a while.  Carry on. I was gonna stick with basics and write yet another blog about yet another disapponting date that I got my hopes way too high for, but let's be real: we all already know this story, and I just don't feel like going there again. Nutshell: Three weeks ago I met a dude who I thought had real potential. I liked him. We went out. It sucked. The end.  I don't even know what I did wrong. So I've come to a conclusion: Guys just don't want me.  And you know what?  I'm just gonna have to deal with it.  I've decided I'm done looking, done wishing. I've tried everything, prayed to every deity I know of and even some I made up just to add to the list, and no matter what happens, I strike out 100% of the time...

I need a recharge. To say that I have been 'unlucky in love' is like calling a plane crash 'unfortunate'.  I should be declared a disaster area, complete with the yellow tape and American Red Cross standing by.   Two weeks ago, I was an overjoyed, ecstatic ball of happy, so much so that I was shooting rainbows and sunshine out of my eyeballs.  Out of  nowhere, an old acquaintance came barging into my life and swept me off my feet like he was Cary Fucking Grant.  My whole world flipped and tumbled upside down in the most delicious way possible.  It was the last piece of my long disassembled puzzle, finally falling into place, and I fell right into the hype, not even thinking, just enjoying the fireworks.   But alas, we're talking about ME here... the universe doth giveth, and Baby Mama Drama taketh away just a few days later.  No surprise here. Needless to say, having the rug pulled from under me, again, was not a pleasant feeling. ...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman

Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason for something, it just is .  You can try all you like to rationalize it, figure it out, come up with theories as to why, who, what, where, how, but you still come up empty handed.  I think the universe drops shit like this in our laps for the sole purpose of watching us squirm to figure out a solution or a reason...I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let me rewind a bit...   Things went downhill with El, as you may have read in the last post.  Full disclosure: I am totally friggin' disgruntled over it. Not depressed, just completely and overwhelmingly bummed. We obviously didn't have some mad love affair or anything remotely close, we were just starting to hit our stride in getting to know each other, and I let myself be immersed in it, and then...I was completely fucking blindsided.  Still, just based on how short things were with us, it "shouldn't have" bothered me so much.  I didn't have much invested in him, b...