::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I am in trouble. Massive, face down in a puddle, probably never the same again trouble. Early 2006 just caught me unawares and slapped me in the face so hard I am flipped completely inside out with no idea how to right myself again. This, of course, means a boy is involved. This isn't just any boy- this is a bona-fide Man.  The capital M was done on purpose, because that's what he deserves.  This is the man that, on our first date on that fateful day in 2006, held me so tightly and so close while he danced (danced!) with me that we nearly became one person.  This is the man who was first to brush my hair from my face, look directly into my eyes, and tell me I was beautiful. This was the man that made me feel everything a girl is supposed to feel for a boy and then some.  This is also the man, much to my own detriment, that I dropped like a hot potato when The Rams literally fell into my life.  The rest, as they say, is history.  Eight years ...

Well, well, well..Look who's back like the prodigal?   It's been 4 months since my last post.  Four months of deep breathing, soul searching, and scrubbing off the scum of 2013..and if I'm being real, the last 34 years of my life.  I decided it was finally time to start fresh, shake off the funk, and start piecing myself pack together a little bit at a time, and my journey begins right here.     My time away gave me the opportunity to reevaluate some of my priorities.  I'm still very much single, and I'm mostly okay with that. As a matter of fact, none of my old flames have been around at all; all part of my Clean Sweep Program.  I've eschewed all of my former FWBs, choosing to go hermit instead of hussy, and they all pretty much disappeared soon enough.  There are one or two that are still persistent, but I'm good at ignoring text messages and pretending to be dead.  My head just isn't into it, and neither are my genitals. I'm waiting ...

I've been trying hard not to rock the boat lately.  There have been some crazy changes, and the sun has started to peek out from that cloud that always seems to follow me.  You know me tho, and you know my fear of losing that little glimmer, so I've been trying to play it safe, not take unnecessary risks, and just trying to coast on this for as long as I can.   Remember Flaco?  I've always kept him somewhat at arms length.  I wanted it that way.  I didn't want to take the risk of getting attached, because I never believed that things with him would ever blossom. I kept it simple..We'd spend time together, it would be lovely, then we would go our own way in the morning and cool off for a while.  That's how it was, I didn't question it, I didn't wish for more. I've widened the space between us even more lately.  As much as I would want to see him, I made up excuses, i.e., telling him I was busy or too tired when he asked to come by. I didn't wan...

A thought hit me yesterday... When did I go from living to just...existing?  I say that because, here I am, animated and kind of breathing (damn asthma), shuffling around doing the same thing day after day, completely on autopilot.  Everything that I do is mindless-instinctual. Breathe, sleep, pee, eat, Facebook. Any sort of real stimuli is completely absent in my day to day routine, and what's worse is I have no desire to find any.  Do I like the way things are? Of course not, but I don't have any drive to make changes.  My plans to go out this past weekend ended up falling thru, and on the surface I was kind of pissed, but deep down I was relieved that I didn't have to go and put on a show, plastering on my best party girl smile and pretending to be this "WOOO Girl" that I'm clearly not.  If some people only knew... Am I depressed? Maybe.  Interest for things that I used to like is all but extinct.  I don't have the desire sometimes to get up and...

Ladies and Gents, the shackles have finally broken. I ran into The Ex a couple of days ago and felt….well, not much actually.  There was no painful inner monologue, no longing, no wistful glances or what-might-have-beens.  There was no sadness or anger, nor was I overly excited.  There was nothing but cool… …Ok, there was a giggle that kept threatening to creep up my throat and out of my mouth, but like I said, I was too cool.  Cucumbers and King Kong ain’t got nothin’ on me. The rose colored glasses disintegrated and now that I see him in full HD IMAX, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking for 6 gotdamn years.  Standing before me was a big pile of steaming garbage, so why, exactly, did I grovel at his feet for so long crying and sweating, begging him to love me? Uuuh, EW ! He is still the same loser he was the day I picked him up in a diner, minus the $100 a day cocaine habit.  He doesn’t seem to have the motivation to grow up and seems content t...

The juice is loose. My mojo, my swagger, my mack-daddy-ness, call it what you want; I thought it missing, but now here it is again, back like the prodigal, almost like it never left.  In the illustrious words of Mr. James Brown,   "I FEEL GOOD!" I've noticed, even when I have a shitty day, I still feel pretty damn hunky dory and not like my life is crumbling at my feet.  I get pissed off, I get sad, but I get over it and move on.  I'm.... dare I say it ... ME again. (insert epiphany moment, sunlight and angels singing here )  The clouds have broken, Hallelujah!  I never thought I would see this day, but welcome back, Me...it's nice to have you back.   On that same note, things are still going along quite nicely with the aforementioned friend..(I should probably give him a name right about now too, so let's just call him SP to keep the anonymity going and no, those are not his initials for all of you looking to go all Magnum P. I. on ...

I think I have finally released the Kracken.  (I like that word...Kracken. Anyway..) By 'Kracken' I mean the Evil Ex.  I think I have finally shaken the last bits of his dust off of me, and am finally breathing clearly.  Take a deep, cleansing breath with me, would you? Innnnnnnnn....and ooouuuuutttt...Ah.   This is how it is tho:  My feelings haven't changed for him; I still love him immensely, but it has shifted into a different place inside of me, and now there's room again for other things...and other people. Kind of like when you move things into the attic or the basement-you still enjoy digging around in them from time to time, but you just don't have room for it in your everyday life anymore.  That's how it feels for me.  And I'm OK with it, no lingering burning feelings whatsoever.  No holes in my chest, no empty feeling, no longing. A member of his family called me earlier today to invite me to an event, and I declined, just because I hon...