::Let Me Clear My Throat::

This blog is about to go in a radically different direction. I considered starting up something new just for this purpose, but, when everything is said and done, I would like to be able to look back and see my whole journey from start to finish, and the beginnings that led me to where I am now, and to where I'm going. First stop on the journey: My days of being fat are numbered. I've made a few steps forward on this and a hundred steps back, but now the wheels are in motion, and there's no going back. Eighteen months from now, I will be a completely different person, not only physically, but in every other metaphysical form there is. After TONS of research, idea kicking-around, advice, and soul searching, I have opted to go for weight loss surgery. I'm realizing that after much failure, I can't do this on my own, and I'm out of time to lose what I need to in order to be healthy.  Lucky for me now, I am still relatively healthy despite my current size, but...

Adrenaline is a funny thing.  My first couple of workouts had me feeling like Superman and SheRa had a baby and it was me.  Then I got sick, and all that Power Juice trickled out of me everytime I sneezed.  The workouts got harder; my muscles felt like they were gonna cave in after 5 slow minutes on the elliptical, and my asthma-riddled lungs screamed for a medic.  Sometimes I felt like my heart was gonna explode like that overcooked turkey on that Christmas Vacation movie.  Everytime, I wanted to stop, grab my bag, and head back to my truck, even tho I had only been at the gym for 20 minutes.  Instead, I plopped myself on a locker room bench, caught my breath, and remembered why I was there.   Failure isn't an option.  And if I let myself walk out of those doors having done nothing to fix what I've done with myself, then I've officially failed.  I was so hyped up on "reconstructing" myself that I forgot you have to lay a fountation before ...

Well, well, well..Look who's back like the prodigal?   It's been 4 months since my last post.  Four months of deep breathing, soul searching, and scrubbing off the scum of 2013..and if I'm being real, the last 34 years of my life.  I decided it was finally time to start fresh, shake off the funk, and start piecing myself pack together a little bit at a time, and my journey begins right here.     My time away gave me the opportunity to reevaluate some of my priorities.  I'm still very much single, and I'm mostly okay with that. As a matter of fact, none of my old flames have been around at all; all part of my Clean Sweep Program.  I've eschewed all of my former FWBs, choosing to go hermit instead of hussy, and they all pretty much disappeared soon enough.  There are one or two that are still persistent, but I'm good at ignoring text messages and pretending to be dead.  My head just isn't into it, and neither are my genitals. I'm waiting ...

I've been trying hard not to rock the boat lately.  There have been some crazy changes, and the sun has started to peek out from that cloud that always seems to follow me.  You know me tho, and you know my fear of losing that little glimmer, so I've been trying to play it safe, not take unnecessary risks, and just trying to coast on this for as long as I can.   Remember Flaco?  I've always kept him somewhat at arms length.  I wanted it that way.  I didn't want to take the risk of getting attached, because I never believed that things with him would ever blossom. I kept it simple..We'd spend time together, it would be lovely, then we would go our own way in the morning and cool off for a while.  That's how it was, I didn't question it, I didn't wish for more. I've widened the space between us even more lately.  As much as I would want to see him, I made up excuses, i.e., telling him I was busy or too tired when he asked to come by. I didn't wan...

It's now safe to say that he is indeed growing on me, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my ever present guard in place. I didn't want it this way, not this soon! I thought I was doing so well playing it cool and aloof, and then all of a sudden I was smacked in the face with my own feelings. Maybe it was his confession that rattled my cage and allowed me to feel safe to let go...I dunno, nothing makes sense anymore. I just know that when we don't see each other for a few days, I miss him like crazy. His voice mail greeting makes me smile. His texts first thing in the morning set my whole day in motion. And it's extraordinarily easy to randomly imagine us together a year, 5 yeas from now. Like, I don't even have to try, it just happens. What the hell is going on??? Things are going well.. More than what I'm used to. He and I seem to be pretty evenly matched. He challenges me, makes me laugh, cheers me on, supports me, cares about my well be...

Y'all are gonna read this and think I have gone completely off the reservation.  Hell, I think the same thing, so you'll be in good company. I watched something earlier that gave me a slice of inspiration.  I've been writing alot about how I'm hoping to find love, for real this time, and not just the guy who wants to get me naked and go home. It's so damaging, and my ego has been shot to hell enough already.  So, I'm considering...(deep breath, don't laugh...) celibacy. By definition: cel·i·ba·cy   n. 1. Abstinence from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows. 2. The condition of being unmarried.   There aren't words to describe how foreign this concept is to me.  I don't even really know where to begin other than to just...not.  That in itself is crazy.  I am the embodiment of a sexual person; I'm comfortable with it, I like it, and I like that I am open minded enough to be as adventurous as I am.  I'm smart e...