::Let Me Clear My Throat::

*One day, someone will walk into your life, and you'll see why it never worked out with anyone else. *One day, love is gonna find you when you least expect it. *One day, someone will see all that beautiful and realize how amazing you are. *One day, someone is gonna love you the way you've always deserved. *One day, you'll get all the happiness you've ever wished for. *One day, someone is gonna see past all your flaws right into your heart. *One day, all this suffering will have been worth it. *One day, you're gonna wish for your single days again. *One day, the man that we truly meant for you will fall out of the sky and into your path. *One day, we'll be zipping up your wedding dress. *One day....

How, exactly, can I put these feels in terms an outsider can understand? Ok, picture this... There is a huge, sparkly, magical door. You've been standing outside of this door your entire life, knocking, wishing & hoping for it to open, so you can finally be a part of what's on the other side, because it's gotta be pretty amazing.  A few times, someone has deigned to poke an eye through the peep hole, maybe even crack the door an inch. But never, under any circumstances, have you ever been let inside, and after a lifetime of knocking, you still don't know why, but still sit against that door hoping for it to open. I have no relations with my extended family on either side of my lineage.  Some of that is by choice; I blogged about my mother's side of the family a couple hundred posts ago, have yet to have anything to do with those shit eating cunt bags, and thank every higher power in any religion that I share no actual DNA with them.   On the fl

This blog is about to go in a radically different direction. I considered starting up something new just for this purpose, but, when everything is said and done, I would like to be able to look back and see my whole journey from start to finish, and the beginnings that led me to where I am now, and to where I'm going. First stop on the journey: My days of being fat are numbered. I've made a few steps forward on this and a hundred steps back, but now the wheels are in motion, and there's no going back. Eighteen months from now, I will be a completely different person, not only physically, but in every other metaphysical form there is. After TONS of research, idea kicking-around, advice, and soul searching, I have opted to go for weight loss surgery. I'm realizing that after much failure, I can't do this on my own, and I'm out of time to lose what I need to in order to be healthy.  Lucky for me now, I am still relatively healthy despite my current size, but

OK, so let's start a list.  -Got over my ex: ✔ -Taken time to "find myself“ after said breakup (whatever that means): ✔ -Attended a restaurant/movie/concert/wedding alone ✔ -Taken a trip solo: ✔x3 .. Oh, and lest we forget the biggest & baddest... -Learned how to love myself and be comfortable with being single: ✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔ .. Though it should be noted that such a task would be tough to complete when one has been single as long as I have.  I checked all the boxes, did all the stuff single people are supposed to do during their single days. I've had adventures and sowed my oats (or something), I've been the kick ass single chick for way longer than I signed up for, but I'm bored!! I'm done being single, it's not fun anymore.  It's not fun attending social events and not having someone to rehash the highlights with over ice cream in your pajamas when it's over. It's not fun being out and about on a nice night in a cool place amongst all t

I want to mention, before I get into the shitty of this post, that life has been somewhat kind to me these days.  I don't have a whole lot that brings me down, outside of normal life stress.  My relationship with my kids is awesome, closer everyday, I have a cool job, no more legal issues, and a great group of friends, which includes Poppa.   In case I haven't mentioned before, Poppa is my BGF (Best Guy Friend).  We're closer than close, more than friends, less than romantic, more than family.  We talk multiple times a day, have our own weird language, he's my other half and my sanctuary.  He told me recently that the reason he could never date me is because he puts me on a pedestal- he says he sizes up all potential mates to me, and loves me too much to ruin what we have with a relationship...kinda lame, but I guess I understand.  I feel the same about him, and feel blessed that I have him in the capacity that I do.  We've seen each other through everything- birt