Damn.

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities
or pride; so I love you because I knew no other
way than this, where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you'.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so
close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"....Pablo Neruda

I was going through some old things, letters and emails and such, and I fell on this.  I sent it to the Ex on his last birthday, even after the cheating scandal.  I couldn't help myself-it was just so fitting for what was and what could have been.  As I read it tonight, this river of tears bubbled up out of nowhere and flowed down my face like a waterfall, and before I knew it, I was outright sobbing.  Wasn't it just a short time ago that I was just doing my little celebratory dance and rejoicing the fact that I had him out of my system? 

Ah...who am I kidding but myself anyway?  He's lodged in there too tightly.  I know deep down, he'll never really be 'gone'.  He's like a virus-I can treat it, but never be fully cured.  It's always gonna be hanging around, threatening to flare up at will.  That's what's happening now I guess.

The sad truth of the matter is, I still love the dummy so much I could explode from the sheer volume of it.  It never really went away, it just hides sometimes, maybe because I force it down.  My feelings for SP aren't diminished, as I still enjoy my time with him, and the fact that Ex has a new gf doesn't burn my insides as much as I thought it would, tho it does more than I would like it to-I'd fully rather that it didn't bother me at all, but I guess I can't have everything.  At this moment in time, I guess I'm just confused.
You know what?  I take that back.  I'm not confused, and I'm done lying to myself.  I still think of him as mine  in alot of ways, and there is still this weird connection between us, like a rope tied around our waists, that makes it impossible to leave him alone.  I can't speak for him, but I know that's how it feels for me.  As angry as I get, as bitter as I am, as much as I hate him, I always love him more, and the idea of never speaking to him again sends me into a full blown panic. I have NEVER, in any of my relationships, felt like this.
When I see him or talk to him, I feel this overwhelming sense of wellness, even if we're arguing. We sat on the phone together the other day for over an hour-even when we were together, we never talked so long on the phone, and we were talking about our relationships with other people!

I asked this of myself before, and I still wonder: is this some kind of cosmic sign that he's my.. "One"?  Maybe this is how it works-we break up for a while, move on, grow up, and in the end, find our way back, like a big circle.  Or maybe I'm completely batshit and just feeling nostalgic.  I don't have the answers anymore, and maybe I never did.  I just know that this sudden rush of emotion knocked me square on my ass and I don't know which way is up anymore. But I miss him.  Sometimes more than I can stand.