Sinking
I can feel myself backsliding into that dark area again. It's not like before, not as intense, but I can feel it wrapping itself around my ankles and trying to pull me down. I've made huge strides to get myself out of that place, but every now and then it's gotta drop over me like a cloud to remind me where I came from and how easy it is to go back.
I'm carrying around a lot of heavy burdens, so sinking from the weight of it all makes sense. I'm still reeling from the news from the Ex; learning how to deal with that is proving to be harder than I thought. The anger and sadness churn inside me like a bubbling witches brew. When you're an outsider, it's easy to say how 'better off' I am, and how 'things happen for a reason', but you aren't inside of me feeling that burn.
I've been more plagued with guilt and shame than usual over my decision 5 years ago. Just another brick in my burden bag.
My love life is completely stalled. I've thrown all my cards on the table with SP, literally wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I get nothing but mixed messages and the run around in return. He claims to know how I feel, and that I don't even have to say the words, he can already see it. "Great" I thought, "less work for me, now I just have to figure HIM out." But then I ask him, and get...well, pretty much nothing. All he told me was "you're on the right track", but that's only because I had to coax it out of him. Like trying to squeeze blood from a carrot. All I fucking want to know is if my efforts are getting me somewhere romantically, or does he see me as just a friend? If he wants to stay friends, COOL. Just fucking tell me something. After a while, you get tired of looking like a fool, and I don't want to continue to bark up the wrong tree when there are a forest full of others.
I'm still stuck living at home, and lately times have been harder than usual. There is so much bickering and backstabbing here that I can't believe I'm biologically related to these people. It's like Fight Club up in here 90% of the time. The most fucked up feeling of all is knowing I'm not wanted here. You want insult added to that injury? I got you-check this out: I'VE SUPPORTED ALL OF THESE FUCKERS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. They have ALL lived with me at some point, and were more disrespectful and gluttonous than I could EVER be. Despite all of that, I NEVER put them out knowing they had no place to go, but yet I get hit with that threat at least once a week over stupid bullshit. ("A glass of water in your room?!!? Get rid of it or pack your shit and get out!" Seriously, I wish I was exaggerating.)
The biggest one of all has to do with my son. I've been feeling some heavy vibes lately that my ex (his father, not THE Ex) is gonna try to pull some slick shit and take him from me legally. I just can't have that. Nobody but my son and me understand the closeness of our relationship, and if J takes him from me, I will be completely destroyed, never the same again. I want to make clear that I love both of my children the same, but for different reasons, and I have no favorites. But. My son is my absolute best friend, and at 9 years old, wiser and more compassionate than people I know who are 3 times his age. He takes care of me like I take care of him, and he is that way because of me. Now that he lives with his dad, I'm already afraid he's gonna lose the things that I have instilled in him, and in turn, lose him.
I'm carrying around a lot of heavy burdens, so sinking from the weight of it all makes sense. I'm still reeling from the news from the Ex; learning how to deal with that is proving to be harder than I thought. The anger and sadness churn inside me like a bubbling witches brew. When you're an outsider, it's easy to say how 'better off' I am, and how 'things happen for a reason', but you aren't inside of me feeling that burn.
I've been more plagued with guilt and shame than usual over my decision 5 years ago. Just another brick in my burden bag.
My love life is completely stalled. I've thrown all my cards on the table with SP, literally wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I get nothing but mixed messages and the run around in return. He claims to know how I feel, and that I don't even have to say the words, he can already see it. "Great" I thought, "less work for me, now I just have to figure HIM out." But then I ask him, and get...well, pretty much nothing. All he told me was "you're on the right track", but that's only because I had to coax it out of him. Like trying to squeeze blood from a carrot. All I fucking want to know is if my efforts are getting me somewhere romantically, or does he see me as just a friend? If he wants to stay friends, COOL. Just fucking tell me something. After a while, you get tired of looking like a fool, and I don't want to continue to bark up the wrong tree when there are a forest full of others.
I'm still stuck living at home, and lately times have been harder than usual. There is so much bickering and backstabbing here that I can't believe I'm biologically related to these people. It's like Fight Club up in here 90% of the time. The most fucked up feeling of all is knowing I'm not wanted here. You want insult added to that injury? I got you-check this out: I'VE SUPPORTED ALL OF THESE FUCKERS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. They have ALL lived with me at some point, and were more disrespectful and gluttonous than I could EVER be. Despite all of that, I NEVER put them out knowing they had no place to go, but yet I get hit with that threat at least once a week over stupid bullshit. ("A glass of water in your room?!!? Get rid of it or pack your shit and get out!" Seriously, I wish I was exaggerating.)
The biggest one of all has to do with my son. I've been feeling some heavy vibes lately that my ex (his father, not THE Ex) is gonna try to pull some slick shit and take him from me legally. I just can't have that. Nobody but my son and me understand the closeness of our relationship, and if J takes him from me, I will be completely destroyed, never the same again. I want to make clear that I love both of my children the same, but for different reasons, and I have no favorites. But. My son is my absolute best friend, and at 9 years old, wiser and more compassionate than people I know who are 3 times his age. He takes care of me like I take care of him, and he is that way because of me. Now that he lives with his dad, I'm already afraid he's gonna lose the things that I have instilled in him, and in turn, lose him.
My ex is that guy who likes to 'keep up with the Joneses'; appearances are everything to him, and that especially goes for showing everyone what a "Super Dad" he is. This is the man who only took his son for 3-4 days out of a month and never called him in between when I raised him the other 8 years of his life. None of that will matter tho if he takes me to court; he is married with a house and can afford to drop $400 for my son to play football, and I'm a broke college student still living with my mother. It won't matter that I fed and housed him for 8 years of his life while my Ex was off taking vacations and being Mr Carefree Childless guy for 26 days out of the month. If he goes for custody, he will get it, and I will crumble to bits. Being a weekend mom is hard enough as it is, and the only thing that gets me through it is knowing I can take him back whenever I want, but I leave him there because he asked to be. Not even for himself, but for me.
My boy, at 9 years old, easily wins the award for best man I know.
Taking him from me will literally be like taking away my life. There are certain things you can't do to a mother, and that ranks pretty high.
I've been praying for strength everyday to get through all of this and keep myself in the light. I don't want to fall down that hole again, because I don't think I'll be able to crawl back up again. With everything that's happening tho, the threat is just getting bigger and harder to run from.
<3 You
ReplyDelete