::Let Me Clear My Throat::

This will be my last post. I don't see a point in writing miserable letters to myself anymore. It's not cathartic, it just serves as a reminder of how pathetic my life is. I've been knocked down more times than what should be allowed on one person. Each time I went down, it was harder to pick myself back up. And everytime, as soon as I finally put all my pieces back together, life had to come swooping in to deal me yet another cruel blow. I am tired of picking up the pieces. Seriously, why fucking bother anymore? I'm tired of this shit. It's easier to just stay broken; why waste anymore energy trying to fix something that's meant to be a mess? Positivity isn't gonna fix me. I.. You know what? Fuck it. Whatever. I'm done.

Life has been pretty beige lately, which explains my absence. Before this, my only real source of stimulation had been my daughter's imminent cardiac surgery. Now that it's over and the dust has settled, I'm pretty much out of gas and just coasting along. (And yes, she is recovering very well.) It's been pointed out to me on more than one occasion that I haven't been very social lately. I'm not depressed, I feel OK, my job is good, my bills are paid, I've just been a homebody. I don't have the desire to get dressed up and go out and be all "woo girl", or worse, a third wheel with all of my coupled up friends. I have plans to go to a football game in the opponents city in two weeks. My friends are excited to party in a new city the night before... I'm excited for the game. I'm over partying. And after a string of really bad dates/quasi relationships, I'm over attempting to put myself on that path again. I predicted this would happ

Photo Credit: Austin Bauman The talented lads from the OC are at it again, and this time, they're bringing heat. F or two years, I've been singing the praises of a band called Ceasefire, four crazy talented guys from Orange County, California. Readers, you've witnessed my worship. I've been all over Facebook, Twitter, Soundcloud, and this very blog spreading the gospel about them.   Allow me to take you on a trip down memory lane  and reintroduce you to the boys, I'd like you to get to know them as well as I do. Since my  last post  about the band, there has been only one major change in the lineup.  The very amazing Mr. Danny Molloy has stepped up as bassist, and has blended in with the band so seamlessly, it was like he was always meant to be there. Along with original members Anthony, Kamren and Ray, the guys have amazing synergy, and if they were awesome before, they are just that much more amazing now.  They are a finely tuned, well oiled

That guy on the floor?  Yep, that would be me. I fully realize that the logical thing to do is to dust myself off and get up, but getting up requires more effort than I'm willing to give.  I think I'll just chill here for a while.  Carry on. I was gonna stick with basics and write yet another blog about yet another disapponting date that I got my hopes way too high for, but let's be real: we all already know this story, and I just don't feel like going there again. Nutshell: Three weeks ago I met a dude who I thought had real potential. I liked him. We went out. It sucked. The end.  I don't even know what I did wrong. So I've come to a conclusion: Guys just don't want me.  And you know what?  I'm just gonna have to deal with it.  I've decided I'm done looking, done wishing. I've tried everything, prayed to every deity I know of and even some I made up just to add to the list, and no matter what happens, I strike out 100% of the time

Oh my God.  I have officially become that "woman of a certain age".  I've crossed the invisible line, and am now a.. :gulp:...Cougar. I'd like to explore this with you, but first, allow me to indulge the smart asses out there, you know who you are: Exhibit A: The Cougar.  Also known as the puma, mountain lion, or Felis Concolor.  An apex predator.  No relation to the subject at hand. You've had your fun. Let's move on. The Cougar I'm referring to is much more scandalous, more dangerous, and certainly much tackier, except, of course, in this case.  Allow me to present...  Exhibit B: The (Other) Cougar Also known as a Sugar Mama, MILF, or Mrs. Robinson.  An apex predator.  Prefers young men and ugly animal print.   Ok, let's just set the record straight right off the bat:  I am NOT a voluntary Cougar.  I have never once set out in search of young meat- I was never even vaguely interested.  In my case, young dudes are practically

Being single allows you lots of time to reflect.  For instance, I reflect on my past relationships.  What did I learn from them?  What could I have done differently?  How did they change me as a person? That sort of stuff.  This sort of reflection allows you to face truths about your relationships that maybe you didn't see before. My truth hauled off and smacked me in the face, only because I didn't want to face it before, even though I always knew it was there.  You ready for it? It's a doozy: A man has never been in love with me. Ever. After a good handful of serious relationships throughout my teenage/adult life, this revelation seems random and hard to believe, I know, but after really looking into it, I'm sad to announce that it's true.  Perhaps we should explore this, complete with bullet points for clarity... My first very serious relationship was with Baby Daddy #1 , God rest his soul. I was seventeen, and we lasted just shy of 3 years.  Not bad for a

I've been trying hard not to rock the boat lately.  There have been some crazy changes, and the sun has started to peek out from that cloud that always seems to follow me.  You know me tho, and you know my fear of losing that little glimmer, so I've been trying to play it safe, not take unnecessary risks, and just trying to coast on this for as long as I can.   Remember Flaco?  I've always kept him somewhat at arms length.  I wanted it that way.  I didn't want to take the risk of getting attached, because I never believed that things with him would ever blossom. I kept it simple..We'd spend time together, it would be lovely, then we would go our own way in the morning and cool off for a while.  That's how it was, I didn't question it, I didn't wish for more. I've widened the space between us even more lately.  As much as I would want to see him, I made up excuses, i.e., telling him I was busy or too tired when he asked to come by. I didn't wan

Sometimes I wonder if there is a magnet around my neck that only attracts men looking to step out on their significant others. They flock to me, tails wagging, like their waiting for a treat. I feel like fucking catnip. I honestly don't know why they look at me and automatically deduce that I must play the side dish to their main course. I don't generally partake in such activities, because we all know my stance on karma, but I have to admit, it's kinda fun to go along with the charade sometimes. It's as if I'm simply taking a whiff of forbidden fruit, but instead of actually giving in and taking a bite, I allow the fruit to dangle untouched... perhaps even until it turns blue. (hehehee...) Nobody ever said that being a tease was a crime, and that's what you get for having designs on someone else when you have a perfectly happy, albeit oblivious, partner at home. This tends to happen to me often, especially when I run into guys from my past who are now off the

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.                                               -Matthew 5:8  I am not a Bible Beater.  Although I am a baptized Catholic, I wasn't brought up with any real formal religion unless you count a few years of Sunday School. I admitedly know nothing about the contents of the Good Book other than the basics and a few select verses, including this one. I stumbled upon this  a few years back, and it resonated with me more than anything else I had read up until that point.  My take on the Bible is that it's subject to reader interperetation, so I took this message and ran with it the way that I saw it.  I vowed to be "pure in heart"; to be kind, loving, pure in my intentions and have no hate in my heart.  I reaffirmed that tho I am not without sin, I have always been a good person, and for that, God would show Himself to me in the form of changing my life for the better.  Sort of like Karma-put good in, get good out.    

Depression is a dirty motherfucker.  It's low down and sneaky, shady, waiting in the wings to pounce, only needing an opening.  Worse than an infection, it's an affliction, a dormant virus, flaring up just when you thought you finally had it licked for good.  It's a hole in my world, and it's swallowed me up yet again.  This time the apathy that comes with it makes me not give a shit about crawling out, or much else.   For the last couple months, I've literally been rolling through life on auto pilot, living the same routine day after day.  I wake up, go through the motions, and go to bed, and the cycle repeats, and it's all gray. I am merely a body these days, just existing, most of my emotions in a flatlined state.  On the rare occasions that any sort of emotional spike occurs, it hits me like a battering ram, whether its anger or sadness, or on very rare occasions, short lived happiness. Those times make me feel like I've completely lost control of my ow

A thought hit me yesterday... When did I go from living to just...existing?  I say that because, here I am, animated and kind of breathing (damn asthma), shuffling around doing the same thing day after day, completely on autopilot.  Everything that I do is mindless-instinctual. Breathe, sleep, pee, eat, Facebook. Any sort of real stimuli is completely absent in my day to day routine, and what's worse is I have no desire to find any.  Do I like the way things are? Of course not, but I don't have any drive to make changes.  My plans to go out this past weekend ended up falling thru, and on the surface I was kind of pissed, but deep down I was relieved that I didn't have to go and put on a show, plastering on my best party girl smile and pretending to be this "WOOO Girl" that I'm clearly not.  If some people only knew... Am I depressed? Maybe.  Interest for things that I used to like is all but extinct.  I don't have the desire sometimes to get up and go

I have started a full out love affair with the West coast, Southern California in particular.  For the first time in my 34 years, I have finally made it all the way West, and I had to tear myself away when it was time to come home.  Nobody really wants to come home from vacation, but in my case, it was like tearing off my arm. Tony Bennett may have left his heart in San Francisco, but I left mine in Orange County, and I need to get back to put everything back together.   I can't even explain what it was.  I know this:  The peace that I felt just being there was something I don't experience much in my life at home.  It's like my entire soul calmed down for a few days, and all it took was some ocean scented air and the waves of the Pacific.  Feeling the sun on my face made me deliriously happy, the sight of palm trees as I descended into LA gave me giggle fits, riding on the 405 in the middle of rush hour didn't give me heart burn.  The vibe there is so different.  Ever

::sigh:: Who wants to guess what this post is about?  Anyone? Bueller?? True to form (mine), New Boyfriend is now in the Ex pile.  Crossed off the list and next-ed like a bad MTV show.  He lasted just under a month, just when I actually thought, finally, that I was done looking for a while. Unfortunately, I am a magnet for self absorbed liars that, at the end of the day, only want to get into my pants,  In his case, he wanted to see me get into the pants of others, and was adamant that it would happen ASAP.  He also faked the funk on the love stuff, but kept dragging me along anyway, hoping that said events would still take place.  This, accompanied by a few more lies and virtually no remorse, pretty much hermetically sealed the coffin. Oh, but he had an excuse-you ready for this one? It's a doozy. He was unsure he wanted to be my boyfriend because of the state of my driving priveleges.  He said he 'reevaluated' our relationship the night I told him about it.  Yeah,

It's now safe to say that he is indeed growing on me, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my ever present guard in place. I didn't want it this way, not this soon! I thought I was doing so well playing it cool and aloof, and then all of a sudden I was smacked in the face with my own feelings. Maybe it was his confession that rattled my cage and allowed me to feel safe to let go...I dunno, nothing makes sense anymore. I just know that when we don't see each other for a few days, I miss him like crazy. His voice mail greeting makes me smile. His texts first thing in the morning set my whole day in motion. And it's extraordinarily easy to randomly imagine us together a year, 5 yeas from now. Like, I don't even have to try, it just happens. What the hell is going on??? Things are going well.. More than what I'm used to. He and I seem to be pretty evenly matched. He challenges me, makes me laugh, cheers me on, supports me, cares about my well be

My best friend in the entire world is a guy.  Big Poppa and I have been thick as theives for somewhere around a decade, and we hit the ground running the day we met, completely bypassing "acquaintances" and jumping straight into the BFF pool without ever a backwards glance.  I look back on that now and realize that was exactly the way it was meant to be.  Oh and in case you're wondering, Big Poppa is really his nickname-I gave it to him in the early days of our BFFL-dom, and it stuck, cuz frankly sometimes, that's exactly what he is. Anyway!   I don't know how to describe who he is or what he means to me.  He's more than my friend, more than family, not quite a lover, tho we've had a few fleeting moments over the years. To call him my soul mate sounds corny, but that may be the closest I'm gonna get. We have our own language-to be a bystander during any one of our conversations would probably make a jumblefuck of your brain.  We've seen each other

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just sick in the head.  No no, for real, stay with me on this.  Am I hard to please or just on the lookout for flaws?  Do I actually, subconsciously  want to sabotage myself ? Why am I asking so many questions?   Ok, so J, AKA "New Boy" is still great and things are going along nicely.  He's sweet to me, we have a great time together, and he really, really digs me, and when I say Me, I mean me as a person and not just the boobs & hair.  Today, he actually did the whole 'Face carress, "You're So Fucking Beautiful"' thing-yeah, he went there and pulled a straight keeper move on me.  Completely out of the blue, not after sex or anything. Shit, as long as I'm being honest, I can tell you that we haven't even crossed that bridge yet and he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to drag me over it.  And the opportinities have been plentiful.  I think he's a fucking ninja.  A Boyfriend Ninja.  He's so awesome th