Heavy.

Shapely women are fascinating to me.  The curves, the softness, the fullness.  There is just something about a curvy, soft woman that draws you in.  She is seen as more nurturing, more sensual, someone you want to get your hands on, and someone that can keep you warm at night. She is everything a woman should be.  I never minded being a bit rounder, in fact, I prefer it for myself, but now.. I've gone way beyond round.

It's time I did something with all this extra...me.

I look at my reflection and wonder how I got to this place.  I was never really a beanpole, not since before puberty; I always had a little meat on me, and for most of my life, that worked to my advantage.  I was all those things I mentioned before.  I embodied the whole 'sexy Boticcelli chick' thing, and worked it.  Even when I started to become less 'shapely' and more 'rubenesque', I still had swagger, and I could still catch a man like I could catch a bus.  As long as it didn't hurt to walk and I could still breathe ok, it was all good.  So what if my belly jiggled a little?  As long as my ass still looked nice and round in my favorite jeans, I wasn't crying over shit.

 Am I rocking this kind of swagger now?  Not so much.  Not now that it hurts to get out of bed in the morning because it feels like someone took a ball peen hammer to my ankles overnight.  Not now that some days I can't even walk to my car without getting out of breath. Not now that I know the amount of weight I have to lose is well past 100lbs and I don't even know where to start.

I mentioned before that I am a slave to instant gratification, and this situation is no exception.  I know there was alot of contributing factors to my gaining all this weight so quickly, stress being the main and most obvious culprit, and I know that I didn't put it on overnight and it won't come off overnight. I have to develop healthier habits when it comes to eating and exercise, that's a given.  I've been doing okay with the eating thing; for the last month at least, I've been eating substantially less than normal, sometimes only a meal a day, with no snacking whatsoever.  I know that's not exactly "healthy", but in my defense, I'm not setting out to do this intentionally, sometimes I just don't think to eat.  When I do, I've been making a conscious effort for that portion to be a small one...usually.  I'm not gonna lie tho, sometimes I have days where I wanna eat everything in the house, and if it's not here and I want it, I'll go get it. I know, bad girl...

I've been researching bariatric surgery a lot lately, and am seriously considering a consult.  I can take all the healthy habits in the world and implement them into my daily life, but let's be real: any significant weight loss will take forever, and I don't want to be a slave to my scale for the rest of my life.  Not to mention, my risk for developing weight related complications is at a dangerous level now, and I can't afford to wait too long-I've already let this go on for long enough.  I'm not saying that I'm gonna behave like a slob and then resort to surgery to fix me, I'm still gonna put forth the effort to do what I can myself to shed, I owe myself that much.  I just think that if I'm gonna make it to the level I want to get to, then I may need some help from a pro.

Obviously my physical health is number one in this matter, but I also have to consider my emotional and mental well being as part of my decision.

Unfortunately in our society, looks matter.  I've never been particularly vain, but I know this, and try to keep up with that ideology to the best of my ability.  Being sizeable leaves you with a lot of roadblocks though, and I would be lying if I said they didn't bother me.  For example, I'm a pretty fashion forward person.  I tend to stay on par with the trends, and I like certain styles.  Unfortunately sometimes what I like and what is available in my size are two different things.  Have you ever shopped in the Womens section of a WalMart?  According to them, if you're a big girl, you only wear elastic waistbands and tee shirts with cartoon characters on them.  Sexy, right?  Granted, it's WalMart, but walk around the corner and check out the straight sizes-you find a bigger selection and nothing but trendier pieces.  If I wanted something remotely close to that, I have to shop in a specialty store and spend two to three times as much for the same thing.

Then, of course, there is the matter of finding a dude.  Let's face it-most guys are shallow by nature.  It doesn't matter how awesome your personality is, at the end of the day, he wants a girl that looks good standing next to him. I can't tell you the number of times I've spoken to a guy online and completely won him over, because I am that awesome, and then had it go completely downhill when we met in person.  Why?  Because he is either (a) Physically out of my league, (b) Bluntly turned off by how I look, or (c) thinks that because I'm big, I must be desperate, therefore making me an easy lay.  More often than not, my experiences have been a combination of A and C-sad but true. Its a shitty stigma, but unfortunately it is unavoidable in the society we live in.

I'm not gonna whine and cry about how sucky our society is, and how things need to change, because they won't and I know that.  I have to be the one to change if I want a slice of a better life and yes, it's fucked up to have to say that skinny = happy, but it's the truth.  I don't wish to be a stick, I just don't want to hate my reflection anymore. I don't want my boobs mashed into one of my chins when I sit.  I want to be able to rock a cute outfit without having to squeeze myself into it and pray that the zipper doesn't break.  I wanna walk out of my door and break some necks with my swagger, not see smirks or looks of disgust when I walk past a guy.  

Most of all, I want to have that time when I can run into my ex and watch him crumble to a pile of dust, then laugh when he watches me leave with someone twice as fine. Come to think of it, some of that sweet revenge might be all the motivation I need....