::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I think I have finally released the Kracken.  (I like that word...Kracken. Anyway..) By 'Kracken' I mean the Evil Ex.  I think I have finally shaken the last bits of his dust off of me, and am finally breathing clearly.  Take a deep, cleansing breath with me, would you? Innnnnnnnn....and ooouuuuutttt...Ah.   This is how it is tho:  My feelings haven't changed for him; I still love him immensely, but it has shifted into a different place inside of me, and now there's room again for other things...and other people. Kind of like when you move things into the attic or the basement-you still enjoy digging around in them from time to time, but you just don't have room for it in your everyday life anymore.  That's how it feels for me.  And I'm OK with it, no lingering burning feelings whatsoever.  No holes in my chest, no empty feeling, no longing. A member of his family called me earlier today to invite me to an event, and I declined, just because I hon...

This was too funny for me to not share it.   My house has two bathrooms-A regular sized one on the top floor, complete with a full sized tub, aka "My Bathroom", and a 1 3/4 bath on the main floor, with one of those stand up showers. Mother Nature told me that I needed to pee, so I slipped into the downstairs lab, completely oblivious to everything but peeing.  You know how sometimes when you're having a tinkle, your mind kinda starts to wander, and you kinda look around the room?  Yeah I was having one of those moments, and as I looked up, I saw that I wasn't alone...Take a look... "I always feel like Somebody's watchin' MEEEEE!" Thanks to my lovely prankster daughter, I laughed so hard I had to pee all over again.  Thanks kid, you shouldn't have. I'm gonna do a full GI sweep of the bathroom before I pee from now on....

Yes, that is the title to a chick flick from the 90's, but I borrowed it for this, because I actually am.   You know how things start to happen, and you instinctively hold your breath until they settle in?  That's what I'm doing now.  I have almost everything I have been wanting, kind of swimming over my head still in limbo, and I'm impatiently waiting for it all to find its proper place so I can relax. While I am DEFINITELY  not complaining, I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed; everything just kind of happened all at once, like a dump truck drove through my life and unloaded it all, and I'm trying to figure out how to sort it out and make it work.  School is now official and underway; my loans and grants have all been approved, so I am now a bonafide student-I start in a little over a week.  Great!  BUT. (I wouldn't be me without a but(t) haha)  Here comes another opportunity, hot on the heels of my newfound student-ness... I just was o...

Both of my biological parents can go straight to hell.  I say that with conviction and 100% confidence in my decision.  Give me flak if you want to, but step into my shoes and walk a mile in my life before you do.  The shit I get here shouldn't happen in a family anywhere.   Before I launch into yet another tirade about Dear Ol' Mom, let me bring you up to speed about the other person that made me: "Dad". My parents divorced when I was four years old, their only "legitimate" child being my youngest brother.  Shortly afterwards, he moved to Arizona, where he still currently resides.  My brothers and I only saw him every few years if we went there or he came here, so he was never really involved with us on a normal level.  Yeah, he existed, but he was never really a dad.  Still, none of this really registered with me, I just thought of it as normal.  When we did see him, it would be fun, and that was enough for me.   When I was 11, my mot...

Hey hey hey...don't go getting pervo on me, Filthy McNasty!  I was talking about the blog. Sheesh.  A few quick updates on what's happening in my world.  (I feel like Dan Freakin' Rather. "In the news today..") So El is officially history.  Ever since I broke the scandal, he hasn't said all that much to me, not even to give me a full explanation of his version of the truth, so I emailed him to politely tell him to piss off.  I don't care how hot you are or how great you seem on paper, if I out you as a liar, and you can't even come up with any sort of real defense, then not only are you a liar, but a coward too, and those are the two things that turn me off the most. Clickety click, DELETED. Buh Bye . I'd rather be alone than be your dirty little secret, Soldier Boy. Over -n-out.   I'm still working on school.  I realize not going will just keep me in the position I'm in now, and I want nothing more than to be in a better place by this ...

Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason for something, it just is .  You can try all you like to rationalize it, figure it out, come up with theories as to why, who, what, where, how, but you still come up empty handed.  I think the universe drops shit like this in our laps for the sole purpose of watching us squirm to figure out a solution or a reason...I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let me rewind a bit...   Things went downhill with El, as you may have read in the last post.  Full disclosure: I am totally friggin' disgruntled over it. Not depressed, just completely and overwhelmingly bummed. We obviously didn't have some mad love affair or anything remotely close, we were just starting to hit our stride in getting to know each other, and I let myself be immersed in it, and then...I was completely fucking blindsided.  Still, just based on how short things were with us, it "shouldn't have" bothered me so much.  I didn't have much invested in him, b...

This has just gotten beyond ridiculous.  Catch a break? Me?  Not a fuckin' chance.  Better myself?  Not in this lifetime.  Meet a normal guy who is available and actually likes me?  I must be out my damn mind. Funny how things change in just a few hours.  Let me bring you up to speed: -My mother is a batshit crazy loop de loop psychopath who is in dire need of some sort of chemical imbalance treatment or shock therapy or her head cut off.  This person thrives on drama and misery and makes sure whoever is within a 10 ft radius enjoys the same fate.  For this reason, I need to move.  Now. Which brings me to my next point: -School is no longer an option.  I can't afford to not work full time if I'm going to pay for a place.  Guess it's dead end jobs for me for good.  So much for self improvement and keeping myself from ending up like her.  Evidently, it is not in the cards for me to be someone better, and God forbi...

Holy crap.  I think I've temporarily lost my mojo. After weeks of playing it cool, calm and collected via email, Mr Military (heretofore known as "El") finally got me on the phone.... And I lost all ability to form a coherent sentence from that moment on.  All that personality, all my wit, all of my innate coolness just vanished as soon as I heard him say "Hello".  My tongue tied up in knots, my stomach had an insect outbreak, and my brain not only shut down, but packed up and got the hell outta Dodge.  Every time I spoke, I had a "D'oh" moment, and I felt like a complete tool. I think I just forgot how to think lol... We have been talking most of the day-I think he's called me probably half a dozen times, and each time, I feel just a teensy bit better, mostly because I'm reassured then that the only one that thinks I'm a moron is me.  But then as fast as the confidence comes...it's gone again and I'm back to feeling like an ...

.... "I'm taking the time for a number of things              That weren't important yesterday"..                       Thanks, Sir Paul.  How did he know I would need this one day? So things are looking up.  Most of the things on my little checklist a few posts ago are starting to blossom, and my little life tree is starting to look kinda nice.  I kicked my own ass right through the school doors and walked out a bonafide student, and have been keeping my distance from the Ex, and feeling pretty damn ok about it.  I don't have the usual 'my lungs are caving in' feeling I usually would in this case--(wow, it's nice to breathe.) I'm doing okay in keeping up with some sort of activity to rid myself of some of this ME, and have been really, really trying not to cheat, and when I do I beg the diet gods to give me a do over and I pretend they actually do. Hey, it works for ...

That clever title up there is as witty as I'm gonna get tonight-I'm so completely wrecked that I think my creativity bone is out of order for a while.  Your girl needs to catch up on sleep before I lose it completely. I just wanted to post real quickly tonight. I felt good today.  Better than I have in a while.  Things seem to be falling into place, slowly but surely.  The latest mess with the Ex was cleaned up somewhat; at the very least, I don't feel like hitting him with my car anymore.  A big stick, maybe, but I'll spare him the vehicular assault.  (I know he's reading this now too-- Go ahead and laugh Zilla, that's funny and you know it .) I've been getting a little exercise in every night with a few laps around the neighborhood.  I'm glad that the weather has been cooperative, it makes it more enjoyable.  I'm doing my best to stay away from things that taste good and stick with vegetables and cardboard--ok, ok, I caved and ate some chicken ...

I'm having a bit of a bad go today.  The Evil Ex has taken up most of my head space, and I've been having a hard time shaking it.  It didn't help when I drove past his house and saw him all cozy in the front yard with his new victim.  I'd be lying if I said that didn't feel like a buckshot to the chest.  It's nice to know that it's really that simple for him.  Hopefully seeing for myself that he couldn't give less of a shit about me will help me finally shed him for good.  Still, it fuckin' hurts and I wish like hell it would go away sooner.  I feel like I'm drowning in this shit and it's just starting to get annoying now.   Now that my legal troubles are out of the way, I'm in a desperate state:  I need to get OUT of my mother's house before I shove her in front of a train.  She and I living together for any length of time ranks right up there with impossible, and I have homicidal thoughts about her at least once a day.  Starting ...

Shapely women are fascinating to me.  The curves, the softness, the fullness.  There is just something about a curvy, soft woman that draws you in.  She is seen as more nurturing, more sensual, someone you want to get your hands on, and someone that can keep you warm at night. She is everything a woman should be.  I never minded being a bit rounder, in fact, I prefer it for myself, but now.. I've gone way beyond round. It's time I did something with all this extra...me. I look at my reflection and wonder how I got to this place.  I was never really a beanpole, not since before puberty; I always had a little meat on me, and for most of my life, that worked to my advantage.  I was all those things I mentioned before.  I embodied the whole 'sexy Boticcelli chick' thing, and worked it.  Even when I started to become less 'shapely' and more 'rubenesque', I still had swagger, and I could still catch a man like I could catch a bus.  As long as it d...

Four posts in one day, that's gotta be a new record. Ok, here's the deal: Not promising anything, but I'm hoping those last couple of posts (you know the ones) will be the end of my 'cry over the asshole ex' posts.  I got a huge, cleansing weep & sob out of my system, re-read some of my GIRL POWER posts and their accompanying encouraging comments (thank you, Ms. Berry), had a little ohm time and now am feeling a little clearer. Am I still sad?  Immensely so.  But I realize it will pass, eventually, just like everything else does.  I'm not gonna let it consume me until then, because I have bigger things to handle.  He's buried me before, and I can't let him do it again.  I have to keep a tighter rein on things like this, and learn to stop getting so twisted up that I forget who I am, and furthermore, who I need to become. I know that I'm still gonna have bad days, and I invite them.  They remind me that I'm human and that I can feel, which...

Can you actually die from a broken heart? I was reading an article on Wikipedia recently and according to them, it's possible.  Obviously it's not actually physically broken, rather the emotional trauma is so intense that it causes physical ailment and death.  You know when it's broken-you get that ache right in the center of your chest and it feels like it's gonna shatter into millions of tiny shards, like glass.  The tears flow like a river and you can't move.. ..you can't breathe. Imagine having that feeling every day, each day just as fresh as the last. Now multiply it by 10 and you have me. I have bled, sweat and cried for this man more times than I can count.  I've held him up even when he deserved to fall on his ass, and loved him when he was completely unworthy of me even tolerating him.  I've held him when he cried, nursed him when he was sick (or drunk), fed and housed him.  I stuck right to his side when nobody else did. You would think th...

Before I sat down to type this out, I told myself I would wait until my sour mood died and put on a happy face for the masses.  I didn't want to pound out yet another angry letter to myself.  Then I thought about it, and realized that was EXACTLY what I wanted to do.  It will keep me from going completely homicidal, at the very least.   After 5 days in the county's finest hotel, I was back on the street at 10:30 this morning with no ride and no way to get one. Standing on the corner of 26th and California by yourself with no money, no phone, and no escape is not a fabulous way to start the day, but I pressed on and maintained a somewhat positive attitude.  Luckily it paid off, and a nice person lent me a phone.  2 hours later, I was FINALLY on my way home. Hurrah.   On my way home, I was informed that I (a) paid to fill up the refrigerator, and (b) was also still expected to shell out rent at the end of the month....You know that record scratch soun...