Wrong vs Right

A new day came with a wave of fresh guilt and a side of remorse.  I attempted to let it go today, to tell myself what I already know-It wasn't intentional.  He was being a disrespectful jackass.  I shouldn't be beating myself up.  I don't have a malicious bone in my body. Check, check, check, check.  My rational mind knows all of this. My fragile heart, however, has a different agenda.

  He called me in the late afternoon to inform me he was planning to press charges, and by the way, will also be suing  me for his medical expenses, oh, and that his family hopes I burn in hell.  Wound, meet Salt.  At that point I didn't have any fight left in me and told him to do what he felt was necessary.  Crazy enough, my lack of defense led us to a civilized conversation where I was finally able to say my peace, and we agreed to disagree on the issue that started it all.  This led to more apologies from me, which naturally segued into a river of tears.  I just completely broke down, trembling from guilt and self disgust and sadness.  I don't recall ever, in any part of my life, feeling so completely horrified at my own actions the way that I did and still do about this one. I can't help but beat myself up over this.  I seriously hurt someone I care about-all the bullshit we've gone through in 5 years, every time he's hurt me, every foul thing he's ever done to me means nothing next to this.  I could never have fathomed doing something like this to him, not even when I wished he would spontaneously combust after I caught him cheating.  I know I didn't do it on purpose, I know it was an accident, but it happened because of something I did.  It happened because sometimes my anger is irrational and I don't think before I act.  It happened because I allowed him to get under my skin.  I did this-me. Imagine if it had been worse?  What if I paralyzed him?  How could I have lived with myself then?  Just the idea that it was so close to happening scares me to death and sends me into a near panic attack.

  By the end of our conversation, he did something I had no right to expect from him.  Not only did he decide to NOT press charges or sue me...but he forgave me.  After everything I did, and everything that could have happened, and everything he STILL has to go through to get well, he forgave me..and I can't even forgive myself. The guilt is eating me from the inside out.

You would think it would bring me some comfort..maybe it will, and I just need some time, who knows.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly cry anymore, he did something that completely blindsided me:

Before we hung up, he said "I love you."