I Need a Waaambulance.
Sometimes I disgust myself. I read over some of my posts and I see what a crybaby I am, and I'm even starting to annoy myself. What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me.
I'm filled with self loathing, even over things I couldn't have seen coming and can't help now. It just sits in me, festering, eating away at me, like the Devil himself sitting on my shoulder, making me feel worse about myself than I should. I know it's time to forgive myself for lots of things, and to stop kicking my own ass over it constantly. Logically I know these things (because one side of my brain is hella logical), but unfortunately for me I let the other part of me, the "feelings" part, run the show. That begs the question: How the hell do I turn down the volume on the squashy shit? How do I become more dry and 'logical' and less 'squishy-touchy-feely'? As fucked up as it sounds, I wanna be a bit of a zombie; alot less 'feel', and alot more 'do'. I've let my heart run my life for so long that I crumble at the slightest bit of sadness, which, at my age, is the equivalent of a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. I don't want to be governed by my emotions anymore. I want to grieve, forgive, and move on with machine-like precision. No more of this staying in bed for two days listening to The Cure and crying my bloody head off nonsense, or crying over my laptop in a blog, subsequently depressing any reader to thoughts of suicide themselves...
So this is where you, the reader, come in. Throw some techniques at me to get me over myself. I feel like I'm trapped in a box that I don't want to be in, but don't know how to get out of.
I'm filled with self loathing, even over things I couldn't have seen coming and can't help now. It just sits in me, festering, eating away at me, like the Devil himself sitting on my shoulder, making me feel worse about myself than I should. I know it's time to forgive myself for lots of things, and to stop kicking my own ass over it constantly. Logically I know these things (because one side of my brain is hella logical), but unfortunately for me I let the other part of me, the "feelings" part, run the show. That begs the question: How the hell do I turn down the volume on the squashy shit? How do I become more dry and 'logical' and less 'squishy-touchy-feely'? As fucked up as it sounds, I wanna be a bit of a zombie; alot less 'feel', and alot more 'do'. I've let my heart run my life for so long that I crumble at the slightest bit of sadness, which, at my age, is the equivalent of a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. I don't want to be governed by my emotions anymore. I want to grieve, forgive, and move on with machine-like precision. No more of this staying in bed for two days listening to The Cure and crying my bloody head off nonsense, or crying over my laptop in a blog, subsequently depressing any reader to thoughts of suicide themselves...
So this is where you, the reader, come in. Throw some techniques at me to get me over myself. I feel like I'm trapped in a box that I don't want to be in, but don't know how to get out of.
Stop, think, react.
ReplyDeleteWhen you feel like you are going to have an emotional reaction, literally take a step back and logically look at the situation as whole as if you were an outsider. Or as if I were you and you were helping me out with something.
Overtime you will be able to have a logical response to your emotions.
fyi, you're on the path of awareness. You will start to see things others don't and it will make you laugh. Things will bother you less and you will find a calming peace inside. You will achieve a sense of being "emotionless" but you won't be, you will be still, controlled and aware.
Welcome to my spiritual journey Feesh! It's fun to have someone with you.