Love, The Truth, and The Aftermath
For as fragile as love claims to be, I've seen it as anything but. It's MIGHTY. The raw power behind it is unmatched. It has the power to build you up, give you life, sustain the soul. It also has the power to knock you down lower than you ever imagined possible, implode your insides, and steal your very breath. Now that is a force to be reckoned with. If I had known the destruction it could cause, I may have saved myself the trouble. Hindsight is always 20/20.
He told me today that although he 'loves' me, he is no longer 'in love' with me. It shouldn't have hurt me so much, but just hearing the words for myself, I felt as if I was being burned alive. Logically, I should have known this was coming, or that it already existed this way. I shouldn't have expected otherwise...but some part of me did. Some crazy part of me believed that after everything we managed to get through together, no matter how much we hated each other at any given moment, no matter how much time we spent apart, that would be the one thing that would remain the same, and we would always have that. Even if we could never put our broken pieces back together. I believed that no matter what, our mutual feelings are what kept us bonded, like magnets. Its only now that I finally stopped being an idiot and let myself hear the truth...and to stop fantasizing. There were never any mutual feelings...there's never gonna be an 'us' again...and I have to learn how to let go of something that doesn't exist. It's hard.
I know that I have no right to be upset about this. I shouldn't have had any expectations, and consciously, I didn't. My head always had the right idea, and for a while, I thought was doing ok with listening to it. I stayed away for longer than I ever had, and I fooled myself (and everyone else) into the idea that I was a new person, but inside, I was still in pieces. I missed him in crazy ways. Everything I saw, ate, heard, smelled reminded me of him and us, and it was agonizing. I was exhausted keeping up appearances, and I was balancing on the edge of a knife.
The day that I saw him for the first time, was the first time in so long that it felt like my ragged insides were well again. He put his arms around me so tight, for this immeasurable amount of time...and I didn't want him to ever let me go. I honestly thought right then, that we were a part of something bigger. No matter what happened before, no matter how we fought and hurt each other, that there was nobody else I was meant to be with. I also truly believed at that moment he felt like I did. That he wanted me. I wanted to believe it. Wishful thinking will kick you in the ass everytime.
Letting go has never been a problem for me-not with relationships, or friendships, not even with death. I'm practical, and am ok with the idea that sometimes things have to end. Of course it hurts, and of course I would grieve, but I was able to have a cleansing cry and move on. And I've endured some pretty messy splits before this, just ask my ex-fiancee and father of my son. After I let myself hurt over it, I was able to look at the situation pragmatically, realize we just weren't meant to be, and get over it.
I don't have any of that now. Reason and practicality are completely non-existent; months later, the hurt is the same as the first day it ended. I feel like I'm in a state of constant mourning, and only feel better when he's near me.
He's all wrong for me...or is he? What if there really was such a thing as having 'another half' and he's mine? What do I do now that he doesn't want me? I can't even entertain the idea of wanting someone else in this way, I just don't see it. I've tried, and find something wrong with all of them. Mostly its all bullshit, but the one thing they all have in common is "they" aren't him.
What have I gotten myself into, and more importantly, how do I make it stop? I can delete him from my phone and hide reminders, but what nobody gets is that he doesn't just exist there. He's inside of me. He's in my heart and on my mind. He's a piece of me. I can stay away and try to forget he exists, but every day is just gonna eat me up a little at a time. This isn't normal. This isn't me.
How do you fight a power that is bigger than yourself?
He told me today that although he 'loves' me, he is no longer 'in love' with me. It shouldn't have hurt me so much, but just hearing the words for myself, I felt as if I was being burned alive. Logically, I should have known this was coming, or that it already existed this way. I shouldn't have expected otherwise...but some part of me did. Some crazy part of me believed that after everything we managed to get through together, no matter how much we hated each other at any given moment, no matter how much time we spent apart, that would be the one thing that would remain the same, and we would always have that. Even if we could never put our broken pieces back together. I believed that no matter what, our mutual feelings are what kept us bonded, like magnets. Its only now that I finally stopped being an idiot and let myself hear the truth...and to stop fantasizing. There were never any mutual feelings...there's never gonna be an 'us' again...and I have to learn how to let go of something that doesn't exist. It's hard.
I know that I have no right to be upset about this. I shouldn't have had any expectations, and consciously, I didn't. My head always had the right idea, and for a while, I thought was doing ok with listening to it. I stayed away for longer than I ever had, and I fooled myself (and everyone else) into the idea that I was a new person, but inside, I was still in pieces. I missed him in crazy ways. Everything I saw, ate, heard, smelled reminded me of him and us, and it was agonizing. I was exhausted keeping up appearances, and I was balancing on the edge of a knife.
The day that I saw him for the first time, was the first time in so long that it felt like my ragged insides were well again. He put his arms around me so tight, for this immeasurable amount of time...and I didn't want him to ever let me go. I honestly thought right then, that we were a part of something bigger. No matter what happened before, no matter how we fought and hurt each other, that there was nobody else I was meant to be with. I also truly believed at that moment he felt like I did. That he wanted me. I wanted to believe it. Wishful thinking will kick you in the ass everytime.
Letting go has never been a problem for me-not with relationships, or friendships, not even with death. I'm practical, and am ok with the idea that sometimes things have to end. Of course it hurts, and of course I would grieve, but I was able to have a cleansing cry and move on. And I've endured some pretty messy splits before this, just ask my ex-fiancee and father of my son. After I let myself hurt over it, I was able to look at the situation pragmatically, realize we just weren't meant to be, and get over it.
I don't have any of that now. Reason and practicality are completely non-existent; months later, the hurt is the same as the first day it ended. I feel like I'm in a state of constant mourning, and only feel better when he's near me.
He's all wrong for me...or is he? What if there really was such a thing as having 'another half' and he's mine? What do I do now that he doesn't want me? I can't even entertain the idea of wanting someone else in this way, I just don't see it. I've tried, and find something wrong with all of them. Mostly its all bullshit, but the one thing they all have in common is "they" aren't him.
What have I gotten myself into, and more importantly, how do I make it stop? I can delete him from my phone and hide reminders, but what nobody gets is that he doesn't just exist there. He's inside of me. He's in my heart and on my mind. He's a piece of me. I can stay away and try to forget he exists, but every day is just gonna eat me up a little at a time. This isn't normal. This isn't me.
How do you fight a power that is bigger than yourself?
You change everything.
ReplyDeleteInsanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
You haven't done the things you need to do to heal yourself. Remember, "out of sight out of mind". If you are constantly reminding yourself of loss, how are you able to expect the abundance of life going forward. You won't move forward if you're clinging onto the pass.
You have to love and learn from him and take those lessons with you into the future where ultimately there's someone WAY better for you.
I've had my heart broken and trampled on more than most people because I chose to. You can't have great love without great pain. But each time I kept reflecting, learning and moving forward.
if you think all your friends are liars....then believe when we say, there's WAY better for you, you just have to let yourself heal, no matter how much time that takes.
Feesh, I have so many stories about heart wrenching emotional dismay with months upon months of crying and healing. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you!