::Let Me Clear My Throat::

About to hit the shower, then go lay down my soul at the feet of the Cook County judicial system.  I'm ill prepared for this-agitated, and lacking proper sleep-but all I can do is go and see what they have mapped out for me. If I had a choice, I'd go to the Caribbean instead.... More later????????????????????????

  It's the Clash of The Titans inside of me. There is a cataclysmic eruption of conflicting emotions and feelings going on in there, that when all is said and done, Barack O himself is gonna declare me a disaster area.  (Hmm..maybe FEMA will come to my rescue..I may be onto something...) It's a major understatement to say that I have a lot going on.  Major changes are headed my way, both bad and good...I think.  It's given me much to consider, and makes me realize how imperative it is that I overhaul my life.  I have all the right knowledge, and have my ducks in a row in my head.  I know what humps I have to get over, and realize the sacrifices I have to make to do that.  I also know how freakishly and seemingly impossible it's all going to be.  I know myself; I'm easily frustrated, I like almost instant gratification, and when I'm facing a mountain like this, I tend to get discouraged and want to give up.  I also know how detrimental t...

  Saw him today, just for a little while.  The visit was uneventful, even bordering on dull, just a barbeque with a handful of people.  We didn't talk much, he was busy playing Grill Master, but it suited me ok.  I didn't expect us to get into anything heavy today, and to be honest, I wouldn't have had the energy to get into it anyway. After the last few days I've had,  I'm physically and emotionally drained.  I was just grateful that he even wanted to see me after what happened the other day.   He walked me to my car when I left, and hugged & kissed me goodbye just like he had done hundreds of times before. Told me he loves me, just like he has hundreds of times. This time, reality hit me:  It's not he same anymore-not for him.  And I can feel it. I can feel that he doesn't feel for me.  Not the same way as before.  It was a huge reality check for me-I REALLY have to learn how to let go.  He isn't mine anymore, doesn't ha...

For as fragile as love claims to be, I've seen it as anything but.  It's MIGHTY.   The raw power behind it is unmatched.  It has the power to build you up, give you life, sustain the soul.  It also has the power to knock you down lower than you ever imagined possible, implode your insides, and steal your very breath. Now that is a force to be reckoned with.  If I had known the destruction it could cause, I may have saved myself the trouble.  Hindsight is always 20/20.   He told me today that although he 'loves' me, he is no longer 'in love' with me.  It shouldn't have hurt me so much, but just hearing the words for myself, I felt as if I was being burned alive.  Logically, I should have known this was coming, or that it already existed this way.  I shouldn't have expected otherwise...but some part of me did.  Some crazy part of me believed that after everything we managed to get through together, no matter how much we hated each ot...

 I promised myself I wouldn't go too far in depth with this post, so I'll say this-I was wrong about something.  WAY wrong.  I allowed myself to get my hopes up, only to have them bashed in-AGAIN-when I really should have just known better in the first place.  I should have been smart enough to not put myself in a position where I could get kicked to the ground again, and shouldn't have let my emotions lead me around on a leash.  I allowed myself to feel hopeful, good, and all googly eyed over something I shouldn't have, and once again, I'm paying the ultimate price.   I know that I do this to myself.  I allow this shit to keep happening to me, BUT when I take steps to change it, I feel just as bad.  It is literally a no-win situation.  I can't run away from it, and I can't seem to get my hands around it either.  I'm stuck in this middle spot, with no hope of feeling fucking better, and SO damn tired of it hurting just as bad as the las...

I make it a point, everyday , no matter how irritated I am with them, to tell my children I love them, my daughter especially. I also make it a point to let my daughter know she is beautiful, worthy, and special, and that she shouldn't allow anyone to make her feel less than that, not even ME.  I will never claim to be June fucking Cleaver, but this is one thing that I know I do right, because I know how horrible it feels to not have it at all. My mother and I have never had a typical relaysh.  We never had the normal, mother/daughter dynamic, something I see and am horrified at now that I have a daughter myself.  Sparing all the gory details, I'll sum it up the best I can.  Moms was an addict for a lot of my life, and the "being a parent" thing never came naturally to her, so unfortunately most of the responsibility fell on my shoulders, something for which I still have resentment issues with her.  Praise was not something I heard often, unless it was a perso...

I'm getting better at the whole 'self-forgiveness' thing.  I've been learning how to snap the proverbial rubber band every time I start getting down on myself, and it's working. That logical side I told you about is beginning to become a bigger presence, and has a mean right hook. I've been talking to him a little bit more often, and crazy enough, that helps too.  It's getting to the point now that he is checking in on  me, making sure I'm doing okay with everything. That, all by itself, blows my mind.  It reminds me of the reasons why I loved him in the first place. Hold up tho reader...I know how easy it is to go down that familiar road, but that's not where I'm headed, I assure you.  I'm actually getting to a place now where I'm just fondly remembering the good things in my relationship, and that's ok.  That's what is supposed to happen.  I don't want to look back on my relationship with him and have only bad memories and...

I've been using guided meditation quietly, almost unconsciously, for a while now. Originally I used it strictly for relaxation and sleeping purposes, and I'm still the user who can't stay awake through a 27 minute session (It's better than NyQuil). I had a huge DUH moment today, just now as a matter of fact:  I stumbled across a podcast (coincidentally by the same woman who's meditations I already possess and LOVE), and realized how helpful meditation can be in regular daily life, especially for someone like me.  I ignorantly believed, like a lot of people do, that it was only for relaxation, only to discover how diverse it actually is.  There is so much available to bring me out of whatever crisis I may be having on any particular day, and allowing myself those few minutes to just stop, listen, and breathe is proving to be immensely cleansing.  It clears my head and helps me focus, and depending on the subject, shows me how to let go of whats plaguing me.  May...

Sometimes I disgust myself.  I read over some of my posts and I see what a crybaby I am, and I'm even starting to annoy myself.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I'll tell you what's wrong with me.   I'm filled with self loathing, even over things I couldn't have seen coming and can't help now.  It just sits in me, festering, eating away at me, like the Devil himself sitting on my shoulder, making me feel worse about myself than I should.  I know it's time to forgive myself for lots of things, and to stop kicking my own ass over it constantly.  Logically I know these things (because one side of my brain is hella logical), but unfortunately for me I let the other part of me, the "feelings" part, run the show.  That begs the question:  How the hell do I turn down the volume on the squashy shit?  How do I become more dry and 'logical' and less 'squishy-touchy-feely'?  As fucked up as it sounds, I wanna be a bit of a zombie; alot ...

  I feel the need to set the record straight about a few things.  I think some of my beloved readers may have the wrong idea about my feelings/relationship/intentions with my ex.  Allow me to put things in perspective, once and for all:  --I am NOT interested in pursuing or rekindling any sort of relationship with him.  --I did NOT forget what he did to me and to us.  --My guilt over what I inadvertently did to him doesn't change any of the above.  --However, I AM still human, and it DOES bother me, despite what he put me through, and that won't change.   And finally: --I am fully aware of all the shit he put me through, I was there.  It sucked.  But I WAS with him for 5 years for a reason, and it wasn't because I enjoyed being treated like a bag of shit.  He had a lot of redeeming qualities, which is not to excuse his bad behavior, but to make you understand that he wasn't all bad.  I  loved him for a r...

A new day came with a wave of fresh guilt and a side of remorse.  I attempted to let it go today, to tell myself what I already know-It wasn't intentional.  He was being a disrespectful jackass.  I shouldn't be beating myself up.  I don't have a malicious bone in my body. Check, check, check, check.  My rational mind knows all of this. My fragile heart, however, has a different agenda.   He called me in the late afternoon to inform me he was planning to press charges, and by the way, will also be suing  me for his medical expenses, oh, and that his family hopes I burn in hell.  Wound, meet Salt.  At that point I didn't have any fight left in me and told him to do what he felt was necessary.  Crazy enough, my lack of defense led us to a civilized conversation where I was finally able to say my peace, and we agreed to disagree on the issue that started it all.  This led to more apologies from me, which naturally segued into a river o...

I forgot that I have some good news to put in here for once. Yours truly has met a boy who actually holds my interest.  At the risk of jinxing things cuz I'm superstitious like that, I'm not going into too much detail.  It's very, very early and we're still playing the 'getting to know you' game, but I will say that he's quite a gentleman, has his shizz together, and is a complete sweetheart. I'm not sure how things will flesh out just yet.  I'm still on the fence about the whole "love" thing, and haven't decided if I even want a relationship. We have only been talking for a few days, and I enjoy our conversations very much.  My guard is up tho, complete with barbed wire and electrocution fence.  I just hope that it's not so hardcore that it scares him away, because we really have seemed to click. I'll keep you updated!

  At least I thought I was up until a few minutes ago. Its crazy how the anger just dissipates so quickly and leaves something behind that feels a lot like guilt.  I haven't seen the dreaded ex in about 6 weeks, with the exception of today.  With all the headaches I'm facing, I needed to be able to just talk to someone who gets me, and sadly enough, he's the only one who really does when it comes to this, since he was with me through the other ones.  As much as I knew I was going backwards, I was desperate, and I had to vent. The day started off fine and dandy.  We had lunch, a nice chat, and I was able to let it out completely, tears and all.  It was refreshing and left me feeling better immediately. I decided since I was having a nice time, I would continue to visit for the afternoon.  He even came along when it was time to get my son, and we returned to our little spot with him in tow.   I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to s...

My mood swings are off the charts crazy lately.  I can state for the record that I'm not exactly sad or distressed anymore, at least not today, but the apathy is sticking around like an unwelcome house guest. ("Go HOME!") I have the desire to get up and go, but not the motivation. It kinda feels like there's another Me inside of me, struggling to get out, but can't find the opening. Wow, I just had a vision of Alien flash thru my head. Creepy. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. I have alot on my plate, and even more swimming in circles in my head.  I'm trying to keep everything straight and keep myself from requiring a padded cell, but some days are harder than others.  I've had to deal with more bullshit in the last 12 months than anyone should in a lifetime, and that, plus everything else before it, is bound to leave marks.  I'm doing everything I can to not let it all beat me.  It's not easy.