Kryptonite
::sigh::
I've been thinking about him lately, more so than usual. Sometimes the strangest things become a trigger, and he's taking up every last corner of my mind-it's an odd sensation. Last night it was a quote from a movie...I was plugging along just fine, not a care in the world, in a happy mood, and BAM! It was waterworks, like someone reached inside me and opened the tap. It's going on two years now, and just when I think I have it licked, I get blindsided with one more lashing and my progress goes back two steps. I wonder how long this is supposed to last.
I decided today that I would just drop over at his house and pay him a visit. I never wanted to do this before and I told him so, but he always stressed how I was always welcome and not to be a stranger. I took the initiative for the first time, thinking, 'what the hell'. I cruised onto his street and noticed the downstairs apartment door wide open, and I figured he was inside working on the remodeling project for his parents. I walked up the steps, poked my head inside...and saw a purse hanging on the back of a kitchen chair.
Pregnant Vulture Girlfriend was in the bathroom. AWESOME. I about-faced and hightailed it out of there, never laying eyes on The Ex, feeling like I had a fresh kick in the chest.
It's now safe to say that my first attempt will also be my last.
Ah..PVG...I've managed to keep my distance from her, for various reasons, even tho according to him, she wants to "be civil" with me. As childish as it might sound, I just can't. I can't make nice with her when I only want to tear out her eyeballs and feed them to the gulls. It would be different if she was a total stranger that he met after me, but she's been around, we've had a few conversations when he and I were still together. She knows our history. The simple fact that she's pregnant with the demon spawn is the only thing stopping me from beating the white out of her, so keeping a safe distance is probably a good idea. He can pick another of his exes to live out his girlfriend fantasy, cuz this one isn't having it.
I keep waiting for the day to come when none of this bothers me and I don't miss him. I wish the random triggers would quit and weird things wouldn't remind me of him, and if they do, they make me smile instead of giving me a lump in my throat. I realize how much time passes between these sorts of episodes now, which spells out progress, so I know I'm moving forward-that's good. I also know that he is my Kryptonite-he's the one thing that threatens my strength, and I haven't figured out how to overcome it completely.
Music translates my feelings pretty well these days, this one especially. The lyrics are perfect.
I'm having another 'I miss The Ex' episode today.
It's not as impossible-feeling as the last one, when it felt like if I didn't see him I would tear my skin off, but it's making me anxious nonetheless.I've been thinking about him lately, more so than usual. Sometimes the strangest things become a trigger, and he's taking up every last corner of my mind-it's an odd sensation. Last night it was a quote from a movie...I was plugging along just fine, not a care in the world, in a happy mood, and BAM! It was waterworks, like someone reached inside me and opened the tap. It's going on two years now, and just when I think I have it licked, I get blindsided with one more lashing and my progress goes back two steps. I wonder how long this is supposed to last.
I decided today that I would just drop over at his house and pay him a visit. I never wanted to do this before and I told him so, but he always stressed how I was always welcome and not to be a stranger. I took the initiative for the first time, thinking, 'what the hell'. I cruised onto his street and noticed the downstairs apartment door wide open, and I figured he was inside working on the remodeling project for his parents. I walked up the steps, poked my head inside...and saw a purse hanging on the back of a kitchen chair.
Pregnant Vulture Girlfriend was in the bathroom. AWESOME. I about-faced and hightailed it out of there, never laying eyes on The Ex, feeling like I had a fresh kick in the chest.
It's now safe to say that my first attempt will also be my last.
Ah..PVG...I've managed to keep my distance from her, for various reasons, even tho according to him, she wants to "be civil" with me. As childish as it might sound, I just can't. I can't make nice with her when I only want to tear out her eyeballs and feed them to the gulls. It would be different if she was a total stranger that he met after me, but she's been around, we've had a few conversations when he and I were still together. She knows our history. The simple fact that she's pregnant with the demon spawn is the only thing stopping me from beating the white out of her, so keeping a safe distance is probably a good idea. He can pick another of his exes to live out his girlfriend fantasy, cuz this one isn't having it.
I keep waiting for the day to come when none of this bothers me and I don't miss him. I wish the random triggers would quit and weird things wouldn't remind me of him, and if they do, they make me smile instead of giving me a lump in my throat. I realize how much time passes between these sorts of episodes now, which spells out progress, so I know I'm moving forward-that's good. I also know that he is my Kryptonite-he's the one thing that threatens my strength, and I haven't figured out how to overcome it completely.
Music translates my feelings pretty well these days, this one especially. The lyrics are perfect.
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