::Let Me Clear My Throat::

 I've been in a weird space lately.  Going through some changes. Whether these are good or bad changes depends who you ask. I've kind of blossomed in the dating pool recently- before you jump for joy on my behalf, let me finish. I've met a few people. Gone on a few dates. Pulled out one or two old frocks from my dating closet and reconnected. I know, YAY ME, right? Heh...gird your loins. I'm less than excited about any of them and totally cool being alone. WHAT?! It's a pearl clutcher, I know. I didn't set out to be apathetic about dating, it just sorta happened. Six months ago, I would have sold my soul for this kind of attention, and would have already all but welded myself to one of them.  Now it takes maximum effort on their part just to get me to go out with them more than once. I feel kind of bad about it, and don't want to come off like I'm not interested, because I am, genuinely. I think.  I'm just in a space where I could take or leave them....

 I hate that expression 'live your truth'. It sounds so corny and disingenuous. But, alas, here I am, attempting to do just that. HASHTAG #LIVEYOURTRUTH HASHTAG #YAAASQUEEN I reposted something on my social earlier today.  It was an old Buzzfeed listicle about being single for too long that I originally shared 6 years ago.  I captioned it #foreveralone because, well.. When confronted about it, I was caught off guard and immediately went on the offensive. My feelings were making someone else uncomfortable, and in my mind, that's the equivalent of taking up too much space. Immediately I dropped into my trusty Fixer mode, and diffused it with humor: 'Of course I don't actually mean it, HA HA HA.'. 'It's a joooke '.  It probably comes as no surprise that it wasn't really a joke, and, being someone that chooses her words carefully, it's a safe bet that I didn't say it for nothing. My knee jerk reaction was to erase the pitied reaction by pret...

  Life is just too heavy. I’m carrying mountains on my back every day.   They grow and get heavier as those around me add to them, with no thought to the weight I’m already carrying.   Nobody is around to take some of the burden off my shoulders when I just can’t keep going, but instead continue to push down on me, making the task of just breathing seem insurmountable. Everyone talks about burnout as if it’s the same thing as being tired or bored, maybe because it’s no longer cool to just say you’re tired and/or bored. But burnout is real, and it’s far past being physically tired or bored or stressed out- all of those things are merely precursors, warning signs even, some milder than others. Burnout is like extreme mental, physical, emotional exhaustion, coupled with crippling anxiety and depression, with a coat of apathy on top just to keep you numb, while you basically waste away from the inside out. It’s spirit breaking madness, in which your mind and body just fuc...

 So basically right now I'm just pissed off.  Someone I have an extensive history with, more so than I've written about here, has once again decided to insert himself in my life without preamble, fuck with my head again, and then dip out. Again. I feel like I'm being spun around in circles playing Pin the Heart on the Asshole.  This Bull, a.k.a. Bullshitter who barges into my life for the sole purpose of fucking shit up and leaving me with the mess, is someone who I've known for about 6 years.  We have made multiple attempts to forge a relationship, and have fallen into the pattern of him pursuing me, me falling into his pile of shit, and then him disappearing just when things start to take off. Things could be literally cool and happy on Monday, then by Tuesday, he's a ghost. I get no explanation, no apologies, just a silent fuck you.   We haven't seen or spoken to each other since we spent the night together two years ago.  Lo and behold, two weeks ...

...and suddenly, your heart is stuck in your throat, and your knees shake, and you can't catch your breath or blink the tears away. This is the moment you break your own heart, and you can only stand with your forehead pressed against the closed door and your fists clenched, hoping to will it all away.  Realizing you're in love with someone you can't have is torture all on its own. Knowing there isn't shit you can do about it but let it consume you is like being burned alive. Walking away isn't an option. I don't know that I could even if it was.  We don't speak about feelings. They're the taboo elephant in the room, and the room is sealed up like a casket.  Talking about this stuff makes it too real, and this was only supposed to be 'fun'...I never expected it to go this far, or to be so much more.  That connection has been there from Day 1, and has grown and twisted like ivy on a trellis over time. Even in the beginning, it was more than physic...

I have a love/hate relationship with my own introspection. I love how I can be so attuned to myself and the inner workings of my own mind (thanks, years of meditation).   I kinda like how sometimes I over analyze things and manage to learn something about myself each time.  But I hate how that lesson is generally something negative.  I'm realizing that my life has been a series of 'almosts'.  Almost raised within a close knit, well-to-do family...except my father was the blackest of sheep and ostracized for being stupid, and his children were black by extension. Almost went to college and made something of myself...and then had a kid and watched those dreams go up in smoke. Almost got married...although I suppose that was a well dodged bullet.  Almost got that bad ass, major growth potential job that would have fixed me up for life...except old mistakes came back to haunt me, kicking me right the fuck off that ladder. Almost found love a few...

Now that I've had a sadness purge, (and a little cry, thanks to Poppa and his perfectly timed phone call, as usual), I can unload the rest of the shit I've been carrying around. Life Update #1: Surgery : Things were going too well, and, true to form, anything good in my life is bound to fail, and this is no exception.  I was at the final turn with my process, and was about to reach the finish line and finally schedule my procedure. Unfortunately, my insurance coverage went belly up completely out of nowhere, crushing my surgery plans like Tonya Harding with a baton. I've since signed up with a new insurance provider, but I have no idea if I'll be able to continue my plans, or start over, or, worse, not have the ability to do it at all. I won't have insurance until the beginning of the year, and I know nothing as of now other than the fact that I'm fucking crushed by this.  I feel like I'm backsliding, and I'm really depressed about all of it. Li...