Bull In A China Shop

 So basically right now I'm just pissed off. 

Someone I have an extensive history with, more so than I've written about here, has once again decided to insert himself in my life without preamble, fuck with my head again, and then dip out. Again. I feel like I'm being spun around in circles playing Pin the Heart on the Asshole. 

This Bull, a.k.a. Bullshitter who barges into my life for the sole purpose of fucking shit up and leaving me with the mess, is someone who I've known for about 6 years.  We have made multiple attempts to forge a relationship, and have fallen into the pattern of him pursuing me, me falling into his pile of shit, and then him disappearing just when things start to take off. Things could be literally cool and happy on Monday, then by Tuesday, he's a ghost. I get no explanation, no apologies, just a silent fuck you.  

We haven't seen or spoken to each other since we spent the night together two years ago. 

Lo and behold, two weeks ago, who do I get a FB friend request from?

I know what you're thinking- I should have told him to fuck right off, and believe me, I was screaming that in my head, but the rest of me was curious what he'd have to say for himself. I was courteous but perfectly aloof. We had a pleasant enough conversation, enough for us to catch up and for him to tell me he was finally getting his own place at the ripe old age of 41. 

This, of course, led to all of the apologies, him blaming his place in life for why we never worked out, instead of, oh I dunno, just admitting he was a soulless dickhead with zero communication skills. The apologies led to the 'I really miss you', which led into 'I want to see you', which followed up with 'I ALWAYS WANTED A FUTURE WITH YOU'. Ok dude, we both know you're full of shit, but go off I guess.

He was moving into his place that weekend, and insisted that I come over- "Please give me a chance, things are different now, I can finally give you the time I always wanted to." Fine, cool.  My morbid curiosity won out, and the fact that he's still really fucking hot had no bearing on my decision, I swear. 

I went to his place that Saturday, met him in the hallway of his building...and his face lit up like fucking Christmas, because of course he had to make it harder for me to stay objective. 

We spent the afternoon setting up his place, then hunkered down on his couch with a pizza, watching movies on my iPad & talking, and it was...nice. No pressure to do anything or be anything.  I still got the speeches about how he really wanted to be with me, he even asked me if I'd ever consider moving in with him so I'd never have to leave- I laughed it off at the time, but the look on his face was deadass. "Don't answer me now", he said, "let me prove myself". Ok..we'll see.

We continued to talk days after that- he would text me first thing in the morning and throughout the day just to say he was thinking about me. We met for dinner at his place last Thursday, and again, it was nice.  Everything leading up to that night had been good, different from his usual M.O., and I was starting to let myself unravel around him just a little.  He was slightly distant at dinner, but I chalked it up to him just having a long day, maybe he was just quiet.  I asked him to join my friends and I for an upcoming night out, and got "just tell me when babe, and I'll be there". We snuggled up for a bit in front of the TV, and I headed home around 9, with a kiss goodbye and him making me promise to call when I got there. 

We talked intermittently through the day on Friday. All positive and cute. Got my 'Good morning babe' text. 

Friday evening he stopped responding to my messages.

By Saturday, we were strangers again.

It was like someone came in, snapped their fingers, and broke our little spell.

Ordinarily, one would give the benefit of the doubt in this situation- maybe he was busy, maybe he had his son over, maybe he fell off a cliff. If this were an ordinary situation, I would absolutely not think much of it, I am not clingy like that.  Nothing about our situation is ordinary, however, and he is a creature of habit.  

For a solid, hot second, I honestly thought two years and an apartment was the grow up he needed, and we were actually gonna give things a good shot. 

Now I'm pissed, wondering why the fuck he bothered in the first place.  He could have left well enough alone, left me alone, and gone about his business.  Hell, we could have just stayed FB acquaintances, I would have been cool with that.  Nope, he had to make a point to come in to my world and fuck shit up AGAIN just for the sport of it.  

Make no mistake, I am not heartbroken this time.  I was smart enough to keep any real feelings for him locked up tight until I felt safe enough to open up.  I was gonna make him work for us. I bluntly discussed things with him the last night we hung out- asked him point blank if he was really in this or just fucking around, and I got a hearty "I want to be with you". Ok, so WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? WHY bother lying just for the sake of doing so? Do I have the word SCRABBLE tattooed on my fucking forehead? I've never wronged this man.  I've never done anything that would deserve the bullshit games he puts me through.  I'm only guilty of giving him another shot to prove himself, and yet again, he failed in spectacular fashion, so trust me when I say that goes on the top of my list of regrets.

I'm honestly so angry at him that I want to scream all these things in his stupid face, then forget he exists, but I know in the back of my mind he legitimately doesn't give a shit, so why bother.  I've known some cold ass people, but he's Jack Motherfucking Frost. 

As of now, I'm swearing off dating and men in general. I even turned Mr. Jones down this morning, and that's saying alot. 

Flaco has been sniffing around again too, out of the woodwork two years later, and he can fuck right off with the other one. I'm done with middle aged Fuckboys. This shit is annoying and gross, and makes me want to shower 75 times just to get the asshole stink off. 

I'm gonna be alone the rest of my life- this isn't conjecture anymore, it's a fact.  The idea of this obliterates my fucking heart, but I'll take that a hundred times over being played even once more.