Fortress of Solitude

 I've been in a weird space lately.  Going through some changes. Whether these are good or bad changes depends who you ask.

I've kind of blossomed in the dating pool recently- before you jump for joy on my behalf, let me finish. I've met a few people. Gone on a few dates. Pulled out one or two old frocks from my dating closet and reconnected. I know, YAY ME, right? Heh...gird your loins.

I'm less than excited about any of them and totally cool being alone. WHAT?!

It's a pearl clutcher, I know. I didn't set out to be apathetic about dating, it just sorta happened. Six months ago, I would have sold my soul for this kind of attention, and would have already all but welded myself to one of them.  Now it takes maximum effort on their part just to get me to go out with them more than once. I feel kind of bad about it, and don't want to come off like I'm not interested, because I am, genuinely. I think.  I'm just in a space where I could take or leave them. 

Exhibit A: We have Bachelor #1, we'll call him Mr. O. We met on FB after he responded to my Help Wanted ad for work, and realized we had mutual friends. After a few weeks of innocent flirtation, he asked me on a date- not a hangout, not a hookup, an actual 'let's have a drink and get to know each other' date. HUGE POINTS for him, plus he's stupid hot, so I said yes. Because duh.

Took three tries from him within two weeks for me to finally stop making excuses and go. merp. 

When we finally did go out, we had a good time.  We had an actual conversation.  Learned about each other. Laughed. He was a perfect gentleman, right down to the cute, innocent kiss at the end of the night.  Super solid as far as first dates go.  No huge fireworks, but that was ok, because those kind usually burn out as fast as they start. He told me he wanted to see me again, and I said yes, and meant it.

That was three weeks ago.  We haven't had a second date. Because of me. He's asked me twice a week since then, and something either has come up, or I've had zero motivation to go and was perfectly content on the couch in my empty house in my two day old pajamas.  I'm most certainly driving my roommate crazy with my continuous 'The Nanny' marathons. Ask me if I care. I need to finish Season 6.

Mr. O and I spoke today, and I'm fiiinally gonna relent for date #2. I want to see him again, and certainly appreciate that he's still putting in the effort despite me being kind of a flaky ice queen.  This is new territory, and that excites me.

Exhibit B: Bachelor #2, we'll call him Mr. A. We've been talking on and off for months, and are convinced we've met before.  We have a super cool vibe, and, at first, I was excited about him in general. He finally asked me out- gave me a time, a night and a place, making me appreciate that he took that whole initiative.  Unfortunately, after telling him the place was permanently closed, and even making suggestions for same time, same night, different place, he never picked up the same momentum, and needless to say, we are still 0-1 on a first date. WOMP. 

We lost steam and I lost interest. My couch, and Nanny Fran, however, were there for me as always. 

He called me the other day, but I found it pointless to even answer. I'm not interested in having smoke blown up my ass, and I don't want to feel like I'm just one of many apples on your chick tree. Step up or be left behind.  Which brings me to...

Bachelor #3: The Infamous Flaco Joe.

Obvs, he needs no introduction. 

Not sure if I mentioned him in my last couple of posts, but after two years of being dead to me, he suddenly exists again. In the last 4 or so months, I've seen him twice, not by his choice but mine, because I have to have it this way. After disappearing for two years without so much as a "TaTa", then the shithead way he dodged my date proposal, (like, how dare I ask him on an actual date after quasi-dating/being FWB for 15 years, the nerve of me 🙄) I just don't feel the same about him. I still love the absolute fuck out of him and probably always will, but my self respect is in full bitch mode these days. One's position in my life is determined by the peace they bring to my doorstep. The fact that he still sees me as nothing but a convenience after all this time makes me feel like hot garbage, which puts him in the back of the line. Now I'm the one that calls the shots about when we hang out, and don't feel the least bit bad for cancelling on him last minute this past Friday night. He can hang on the curb with the rest of the trash until I get bored and need some dick. Ta Ta!!

There are a few other bachelors lumping around, but there's nothing really entertaining about them.  One, Mr. J, is a bit older, (very) freshly divorced, and too gun shy to make a real move beyond video chatting, and the occasional, 'maybe we could xyz sometime'. Meh. If you don't have the cans to take the 'maybe' off that "xyz" and man up enough to actually ask me out, I have no use for you.  You're static, and soon you'll disappear from my frontal lobe like cotton candy in the rain. 

Essentially I'm just done fucking around.  I'm in that place now that I'm cool being alone, and that's dangerous territory for a dude.  I'm perfectly content to stay single if it means never being dicked over by some fuckfaced one nighter ever again. Your presence has to feel better than my solitude or your absence won't be missed. If I'm gonna sacrifice my comfort, he needs to be worth the time and effort, otherwise I'll stay my ass right in this bubble. 

My walls are all the way the fuck up. If homie can't or won't be creative or strong enough to knock them down, it's deuces, and I promise you, he'll never see my ass again. I don't need magic or miracles or fireworks, and I certainly don't need anybody. Dude has to be fucking epic to make me want him tho. 

Now, if you need me, I'll be in my cave working on my x-ray vision.  I say good day.