Authenticity Right In Your Face

 I hate that expression 'live your truth'. It sounds so corny and disingenuous. But, alas, here I am, attempting to do just that. HASHTAG #LIVEYOURTRUTH HASHTAG #YAAASQUEEN

I reposted something on my social earlier today.  It was an old Buzzfeed listicle about being single for too long that I originally shared 6 years ago.  I captioned it #foreveralone because, well..

When confronted about it, I was caught off guard and immediately went on the offensive. My feelings were making someone else uncomfortable, and in my mind, that's the equivalent of taking up too much space. Immediately I dropped into my trusty Fixer mode, and diffused it with humor: 'Of course I don't actually mean it, HA HA HA.'. 'It's a joooke'. 

It probably comes as no surprise that it wasn't really a joke, and, being someone that chooses her words carefully, it's a safe bet that I didn't say it for nothing. My knee jerk reaction was to erase the pitied reaction by pretending to brush off my comment as just nonsense, because pity meant someone was looking to closely, and how dare I become the center of someone's attention and offer something less than positive?

That stops today because fuck that. Today I choose to take up space. 

Why am I stunting my own feelings just to spare someone else's comfort?  No animosity to this person whatsoever, because I know they came from a genuine place of concern, but I'm emotionally constipating myself on purpose just so nobody else has to smell it. I realize now that I've always done this, and this blog is the proof. I never wanted to leave my mess on anyone else's doorstep, so I keep it to myself and carry it around with me, not realizing how liberating it can feel to just be honest about my shit sometimes. 

So here's some authenticity: My #foreveralone caption? Totally meant it, because that's how I feel. Yeah, it's sad and heartbreaking, but it also seems to sum up my life thus far. As much as it sucks, I'm resigned to it being my reality now, because I have nothing else from which to draw a different conclusion. On the same token, knowing I can't change it, I'd rather keep it light and joke about it than wallow in the misery of it.  When you don't have a whole lot of sunshine in your life naturally, you just have to create your own out of the dirt. My dirty sun blob isn't the brightest, but it keeps me going. Most days. 

Finally, to my well-meaning, cape wearing, berry tree: Good lookin' out. Thanks for pretending to believe my utter bullshit. I've decided I don't want to be a bullshitter anymore tho, cuz it's kind of exhausting.  Real talk from now on. Peace & chicken grease.