::Let Me Clear My Throat::

As I sit here and thoroughly enjoy a healthy slice of chocolately chocolate cake from a famous Chicago hot dog restaurant, a few random musings have sprung to mind.  The first being that I am 4-day-coke-bender exhausted, this cake is delicious and my diet can suck it for the night.  (That's what I call a 'compound musing') My next wisdom gem: Boys are stupid.  And overrated. And lame.  And usually smell funny. Some deserve to be pelted with rocks, but the little ones because they sting and leave welts when they hit you and that's AWESOME. SP called me yesterday and jibber jabbered like everything was normal and cool, like a week hadn't passed since we last spoke, and like I didn't do anything crazy like, I don't know, profess my love to him or something. I attempted to address the elephant in the room, and true to form, he wanted to sweep it under the rug like it never happened...but then have the nerve to say that me telling him didn't make anything ...

I'm starting to believe that someone surgically implanted a live grenade inside my body while I was asleep. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have found myself angry...sometimes irrationally so.  To clear a few things up, life has been pretty uneventful, so I can't say one thing in particular is bugging me, and no, I don't feel depressed.  It's like I can see underneath the anger, and nothing is there except harmless space, kinda like some low hanging clouds. I'm not in a constant state of pissed, but it takes nearly nothing to get me to the point of wanting to rip someone's face off.  Driving?  I get ornery. Driving in traffic ?  Hide the guns.  These are just examples. Just now I yelled at my poor old doggy because he headbutted his way through my closed bedroom door, but he only did it because he likes to be with me. Like I said, irrational.   I wish I could put my finger on what has me in this funk, but I keep coming up with ...

I should warn you before I continue that it's 1:30 AM on a Tuesday morning, and I'm slightly delirious, so if you are cool with half-conscious self-discovery ramblings such as mine, prepare to be entertained. Or at the very least, mildly amused . Even if you hate it and are so bored you're contemplating suicide just to get off my page, be nice and click a reaction button before you jump, and I'll see you on the other side. Thanks so much! So recently I've discovered a few things about myself that I never really thought to look at.  It's crazy how all these things can happen right under your own nose and you never take the time to see them there. I discovered, with mild chagrin, then when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm a total cluck cluck chicken.  I literally cringe into a corner and give myself panic attacks agonizing over the whole "Tell him/Don't tell him" debate.  I don't know why I'm such a noob, but I'd rather be a sc...

Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to make you want to step out of yourself and take a peek inside of your own windows.  Case in point: Twice today, I was told by two different people that I seem to be exuding happiness and peace. My friend even told me I looked "radiant".  "Really?" I thought, aloud and in my head.  So I decided to turn my eyeballs around and take a look for myself, and by golly, they are right!  I remember how I was at this time last year; I was drowning in depression, under a constant black cloud and I really never thought it would go away.  My life was literally crumbling down around me. I was barely holding on to my sanity with my fingertips. What a difference a year makes. Now, I'm at a point where I feel good.  My life is taking shape like it should be.  I'm in a healthy place with the ex and I'm glad for that.  I'm able to tell him "I love you" just because I honestly do, without wistfulness or th...

I haven't posted much about The Ex in a while, so let me wax philosophical on him for a spell. Before I go into it, I just want to reiterate that I have been doing just fine with the 'being over him' stuff.  Sure, there are still lingering feelings, and most likely always will be.  I would be remiss if I ever said there wasn't after spending half a decade with the guy.  I'm doing ok, and realize it was just never meant to happen for various reasons ::: cough he'sawhore cough ::  Of course, it doesn't stop him from telling me how much he still loves me and wishes we never broke up...and then in the next breath, ask if I would like to see an ultrasound image of "the baby". The Baby... aw, cootchie coo, what a proud daddy he is.  And if you didn't notice the sarcasm dripping off of that statement, I'll explain it to you. I can't help but still be stung on this whole baby thing.  The idea is wedged so far under my skin that I'm start...

  So here's what I want to know:  How is the hell is a person supposed to stay all positive and happy and cool as a cucumber when said person keeps getting the Whammy in life?  I'm waiting for some corny game show host to come out of the closet with his sepia tan, waxed hair and skinny microphone, pat me on the shoulder and say "Aw, so sorry, but thanks so much for playing!" You know what I say?  Screw you, Monty Hall of life, and all your booby prizes too. I hope you get lost behind Curtain #3.  Bastard.   Obviously something triggered my little game-show-metaphor-filled rant; something always does. Aside from just more BS with SP (who is becoming more hassle than he's worth to me at this point, but more on that  later), I have found myself back at Square 1-AGAIN-in the old search for work.  I interviewed (and WELL) for a position I was perfect for, and vice versa, and got the polite brush off via email this afternoon.  This is honestly ju...

    Spent some time with SP yesterday, and got  into a pretty deep conversation about the pitfalls and mistakes in relationships.  He surprised me by pointing out a lot of things men do that really fuck a woman up, but all the while thinking they're in the right.  I was shocked just to hear this not only come from his mouth, but his disdain for all the games as a whole.  We seemed to be on the same level and wavelength about most of our relationship ideals and expectations, and it was a pretty enlightening conversation.  Then we made out.   The reason for my visit in the first place was because, for the first time, he reached out to me on an emotional level.  He texted me telling me how off he was feeling, just upset and sad for some reason, which was weird because, (one) he's ALWAYS happy, and (two) this sort of "reach out" had never happened before; he even went so far as to ask me to come over to hug him-I was shocked and sort of mov...