::Let Me Clear My Throat::

OK, so a few months ago, things sucked with a capital SUCK. I know that, and I boohooed all over this website and cried myself a fucking river and crossed it in my little canoe-I get it, and I'm good with having that in my past and knowing I left it there.  I'm also aware that I vowed to never post another depressing 'woe-is-me' paragraph, and I am not about to break that promise now, but I never said I wasn't gonna vent, because if I don't, I'll be blogging via pen and yellow legal pad from Rikers where I'm doing a bit for great bodily injury or manslaughter or some other such fucking horrible crime and I don't even live in New York but it will be bad enough to send me there-ANYWAY!!!!  Granted, I am not in such a horrible place now, and I consider myself lucky that I'm safe and I know it could be alot worse, but I have to be real:  I'm living in a house with Pops and his two roommates, Drunk and Drunker.  I am literally hanging onto my man...

There is nothing sadder than watching someone backslide.  You know those people, the ones who had some nasty problem/addiction/emotional problem in the beginning, overcame it for a while, showed what an awesome person they were and how much potential they had to be even better...only to later fall right back into the same trappings they were caught up in before, all the good shit down the toilet.  What makes it worse?  The excuses they have for doing so.."My family member is sick/I have no job/My boy is going to jail/It's Mardi Gras/St. Patricks Day/Christmas/TUESDAY."  Meanwhile, listening to this neverending word vomit, you're looking at this person thinking, 'this is the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen, the whites of his eyes and his skin are yellow, and I know he's got a half a pint stashed in his backpack.'  Ever that steady, caring person, I still try to be that rock for him, to try to beat him with compassion and empathy and show him that s...

**Originally posted offline on March 6*** Some days are still harder than others. I’m doing ok, for the most part, but the sadness still creeps in every so often, like now. I don’t take for granted the fact that I’m in a better place emotionally than I was a month ago. That was an abyss I never thought I would escape from, but I did. … (” I fell apart, but got back up again…”) Every so often tho, I have the compulsion to retreat, to shut myself off from everything and everyone, maybe out of habit, or necessity, tho I haven’t decided which one. I just know I have to or the anxiety creeps in. I don’t want to talk or hear mindless chatter, I just want to be alone with my thoughts and brood for a while, leave me alone. It’s not easy to do, being in a house with four other people, but more necessary than ever, just to keep my sanity intact for the time being. I am in a better place, but still not 100%. I AM in a position now where I just have to make changes, and I don’t have somethin...

My last depressing post? Yeah, that's my last depressing post, ever. Yesterday I became a new person. New life was breathed into me and gave me a better outlook on things. I realized that even when you feel at your lowest and that you don't have anything, it can still get worse and you can easily lose what you do have. Its time to appreciate the little things, and to not just 'exist', it's time to live. I'm letting go of the things that poison me and darken my day. I want fresh, positive things and people to surround me that don't mind when I want to stop and smell the flowers once in a while. Life is a struggle, every single day is a challenge. But how I deal with those challenges, present and future, will make all the difference. I'm still struggling, but I realized yesterday that things really could be a hundred times worse. I have friends and family that care, my babies near me, and I'm free of worry. For once, even during this time, I know that...

In one hour, it's officially February 14th.  Valentines Day; also known as the greatest day of the year when you're in a relationship, after your anniversary and Christmas, of course.  When you're single, however, it's equivalent to getting pelted with rocks, then peed on.  It's also known as The Day I Don't leave My Bed.   V-Day was pretty eventful when Grande A-Hole and I were together, and that is some of the only credit I can give him.  He always worked it pretty hard with the flowers and candy and perfume and dinner and hotel.  I guess with this being the first year in a lot of years that I don't have that to look forward to, it is a bigger letdown than it would usually be.  It sucks hardcore, actually.   Valentines Day is actually pretty horrible if you think about it.  Sure, it's great if you aren't alone, but on the flipside, it's like salt in the wound, rubbing my single-ness in my face worse than any other day ...

I'm determined to start turning this mutha out and start having a more positive outlook on how things are gonna be for me from now on. Sure, the beginning of this year...and most of the months before it were rough, to say the least, but it has to get better sometime...right?   I'm shedding a few things, and I don't mean just pounds (although alot of those have to find a new place to live too).  I'm shaking myself out of the Ram-Skin, and it really does feel like it's getting easier.  I realize how much harder he actually makes my life, and how much more he gives me to stress about.  It's a process, and it's not just gonna flip overnight for me, but I'm working on it.  I still get angry and bitter with him, especially when he lies to me (why the fuck he STILL continues to lie to me is beyond me).  I know this: he is a selfish, self centered, poor excuse for a human being who has been a drain on my existence and who still continues to try to be that.  ...

As of tomorrow, the only place I'll have to rest my head will have a license plate on it.  It's not really what you think of when you hear the words 'mobile home', but in the literal sense of the phrase, that's what I'll have. I've been pretty fucked before.  I grew up dirt poor, but still had enough to get by and always had someone's roof over my head.  This...Nobody can be prepared for something like this.  Where do I go during the day?  Where do I park at night?  How do I shower, use the bathroom? Unless you've been in this situation, you can never begin to imagine how fucked up I feel right now.  What the hell am I gonna do?