Still Truckin'...

**Originally posted offline on March 6***


Some days are still harder than others. I’m doing ok, for the most part, but the sadness still creeps in every so often, like now. I don’t take for granted the fact that I’m in a better place emotionally than I was a month ago. That was an abyss I never thought I would escape from, but I did. … (” I fell apart, but got back up again…”) Every so often tho, I have the compulsion to retreat, to shut myself off from everything and everyone, maybe out of habit, or necessity, tho I haven’t decided which one. I just know I have to or the anxiety creeps in. I don’t want to talk or hear mindless chatter, I just want to be alone with my thoughts and brood for a while, leave me alone. It’s not easy to do, being in a house with four other people, but more necessary than ever, just to keep my sanity intact for the time being.


I am in a better place, but still not 100%. I AM in a position now where I just have to make changes, and I don’t have something standing in my way of that anymore, something for which I am over the moon. There is still the matter of my fractured little family; not having my son is something that eats at me on a daily basis. A little piece of my heart tears off everytime I have to drop him at “home”, knowing that “home” isn’t with me like it should be. It bothers me that we’re all so broken up. Yes, I have my daughter here with me, yes, it’s great but this is not “home”, and I still feel like I’m sharing her with the world and she’s not just mine. The surface underneath us is still shaky and it leaves me with an uneasy feeling all the time, something I’ll carry with me until things are back to normal. I’m starting to get impatient; with life, with myself for not doing what I should be, even tho I am. I know I should be grateful and I am, I just wish things would happen faster than they are. I hate still having something just hanging there in limbo, our lives, the way they are supposed to be, just out of reach. It’s frustrating. I’m doing my best to stay calm and focused, but some days are harder than others are…

Then, of course, there’s the matter of a boy. This is different from past sufferings; at this point is merely an annoyance, the icing on the cake that makes things just that much more bitter and unpleasant. I’m numb to the usual caliber of pain he inflicts, but I can’t say that I’m not a little hurt at how callous he is towards me, and how little he values me as a person, and whatever relations we have. It does bother me that he’s not upset at our most recent falling out. It doesn’t seem like he cares anymore. Maybe that’s what hurts. It doesn’t matter tho, because I won’t break. I don’t particularly want to speak to him or even have contact; I just wanted to believe he actually gave a shit. He doesn’t, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. That’s my motto these days. Everything that happens is predetermined and its best to just go with it, because fighting the current will only leave me weak and exhausted. It may sound like a passive aggressive way to live, but I’ve spent so long fighting against everything that I just don’t have anything left. I leave it to the Gods to unravel, and I just go with the flow. It gives me breathing room, and that is the best thing I could ask for.