::Let Me Clear My Throat::

 Long distance love is not for the weak. This is something I'm learning the hard way.  RK and I spend a few days a month together. That first hug and kiss when we greet each other makes me feel like I can jump to the moon, but when we have to leave each other...yeah, there's no way to articulate the fucking agony that comes with it. The time we spend together is amazing, but horrible because it's always over too fast. I have to remind myself that this will all be worth it in the end. All the time apart and short visits will have been worth the amazing future we're building together. When I miss him so bad it makes me cry, when we're on the phone at 5am, delirious and half asleep but laughing, even though we're secretly dying for each other, when we're hyping each other up from 250 miles away, when I'm angry and hating all of this and questioning wtf I'm doing with someone I can't have full time... I remind myself that he's my 'Why'. I

We're calling this period The Renaissance.   This post is purely for reflection for future me. In 5 years, I want to read this and be able to relive all this sweetness. Right now I'm rolling in goodness, and I can hardly believe this is my life. As of this morning, I'm officially down 80 lbs from my highest weight. I'm just over four months post op, and can hardly contain the shock of seeing that number on the scale at this stage.  It's not even just the weight- my body itself has changed so much. Weight wise, I'm still way above where I want to be, but my body measurements and BMI tell a different story. Making healthy food choices comes naturally now, and is almost too easy. I almost don't recognize my face in the mirror anymore. I have a visible collar bone again. I can ALMOST cross my legs. I WANT to exercise. I love going for walks- I live for them now, and I hate that it's too cold to do it now. Not being able to get out makes me itchy. I have ridi

  ✨ When you grow different, you glow different.✨ This is my most current reality.  My entire universe has shifted, and I've transformed into someone I barely recognize but am dying to get to know. I don't remember the last time I've felt so excited about my life and all it's possibilities, and it's so motivating.  I realize it's been a while since I've updated, and there's A LOT to unpack. To say that I've been working on myself is a crazy understatement- this current reality didn't magically happen without some sweat and tears-a lot of tears. So let's start with the biggest development: I finally went through the process of having weight loss surgery.  After many disappointments and setbacks, I had vertical gastric sleeve surgery on 7/25.  When I tell you it was both the hardest and greatest thing I've ever done...it legitimately saved my life. I was 200 lbs overweight, miserable every single day, no energy or motivation, and struggled

 What do you do when you can no longer move forward? Here I am, forehead pressed against the wall, running in place, sweating, crying in frustration, hoping for just one little breakthrough...but getting absolutely nowhere.  Does one keep banging their head against that wall, or break out and find a new road? For four years, I've been running on this hamster wheel at work.  There are certain sacrifices you make working for an independent business, and I've made the rounds to all of them. Minimal PTO, low pay, heavy workload, zero vacation time, no real 'time off'.  I convinced myself the cool, fun relationship I had with my boss, and the ability to basically do whatever I wanted while at work, was worth the lack of actual necessities to survive.  Meanwhile, my actual life faded into the background, and work-life balance became a concept instead of a reality. Still, I felt important and indispensable, and it was enough to keep me running to nowhere. When we merged with o

 I'm trying to believe that my time is coming.  I have to start telling myself that all the opportunities I've been missing out on, and all the things that have been missing from my life, are coming my way.  I have to promise myself that things are going to get better.   And somehow, I need to really believe in this, because if I'm being honest...lol... It would be so easy to slip into that hopeless place, because I'm literally standing on the edge of it with one foot hanging over. 

I've been...unsettled. Just kind of bobbing below the surface of contentment, and I don't really know why.  Life has been...fine. A little thin in the pockets, but...fine. Work has been great. Busy. Exhausting. Overwhelming. But yay new stuff and staying busy. Yay fat raise. I'm in a great place with the boss, firmly in "Right Hand" territory.  The weight is coming off and Surgery Day is approaching. T-minus 3 weeks and change.  Mentally I'm in a good place. Most days. But somedays... I'm realizing now that the reason I'm down a lot is that I have nobody to rely on. I've only ever had myself. When the chips are down, I only have me. When I have hard days, I only have myself to vent to. People hype things like this up and put you on this pedestal for being a bad ass who doesn't need anyone, and while I appreciate the compliment, it couldn't be less true. The ones who compliment my "strength" are always those that have never been w