Burnt.

 What do you do when you can no longer move forward?

Here I am, forehead pressed against the wall, running in place, sweating, crying in frustration, hoping for just one little breakthrough...but getting absolutely nowhere. 

Does one keep banging their head against that wall, or break out and find a new road?

For four years, I've been running on this hamster wheel at work.  There are certain sacrifices you make working for an independent business, and I've made the rounds to all of them. Minimal PTO, low pay, heavy workload, zero vacation time, no real 'time off'.  I convinced myself the cool, fun relationship I had with my boss, and the ability to basically do whatever I wanted while at work, was worth the lack of actual necessities to survive.  Meanwhile, my actual life faded into the background, and work-life balance became a concept instead of a reality. Still, I felt important and indispensable, and it was enough to keep me running to nowhere.

When we merged with our current location, some ridiculous part of me felt like I would be something of a partner instead of a manager.  Boss and I were gonna do it big, together, and kick ass in our new venture as a team. My status would elevate, and I'd have more authority and freedom- this was to be my domain, and he would be the silent guy in the back office, doing owner shit. I'd have a bigger paycheck, new responsibilities, benefits, etc.  Like, cool, this will be worth the three previous years of scraping and sacrificing, the plan is working, yee haw!

        [insert record scratch]

In the beginning, the big dreams were real.  And for a second, things seemed to be heading in that direction...until they weren't. 

Now I have all the new responsibilities to add to my old ones, but none of the extra benefits.  

Like vacation time- HA! What's that? You would think after 4 years of bleeding out for this place, I'd at least be blessed with the standard two weeks. I can't even so much as take a half day off to get my ducks in a row for major surgery. OH! And forget being paid for the week I'm gone; I only have one day of PTO banked, which is crazy considering I've never taken time off in four years, other than when I had COVID six months ago.  Boss Guy did me a solid then and paid out all my banked vacation & sick time- a whopping five days altogether- even tho I didn't ask him to. But hey, I managed to build up one whole day in the last six months, so at this rate, I'll make it to a week in just a few more years. 

Like ???????? 

How, as a business owner, can you look at this situation and be like, 'Yeah, I see nothing wrong with any of that'?? And to add insult to injury, this man has taken half a dozen fucking vacations since I've been with him, while I happily handed him the keys to my fucking life and allowed him to lock me up. 

I've missed trips that I had already paid for, vacations with my friends, once in a lifetime opportunities, ball games, family events, etc. All in the name of being an "essential" employee.  I spend more time in the office than he does, fucking burning out, while he's off taking vacations and running off on day trips with his slut in the middle of a work day. 

And what do I have to show for it in return?

Burnout. Financial disarray. Depression. Frustration. Anxiety. Heartbreak. The list goes on.

Like, if you're really gonna fuck me, at least buy me dinner first, y'know?

I've officially reached the glass ceiling.  I know there is no more growth.  For a while I was ok with sticking that out, but that's gone now. Truthfully, I should have abandoned ship a while ago for other reasons, but alas, I was a fool in love. Pfft.

Who needs a balanced life when you can sacrifice it for a few years of casual office sex and unrequited love, amirite? 

Oh....have I said too much? Whoopsie!🙊