Spark Plug

 ✨When you grow different, you glow different.✨

This is my most current reality.  My entire universe has shifted, and I've transformed into someone I barely recognize but am dying to get to know. I don't remember the last time I've felt so excited about my life and all it's possibilities, and it's so motivating. 

I realize it's been a while since I've updated, and there's A LOT to unpack. To say that I've been working on myself is a crazy understatement- this current reality didn't magically happen without some sweat and tears-a lot of tears. So let's start with the biggest development:

I finally went through the process of having weight loss surgery.  After many disappointments and setbacks, I had vertical gastric sleeve surgery on 7/25.  When I tell you it was both the hardest and greatest thing I've ever done...it legitimately saved my life. I was 200 lbs overweight, miserable every single day, no energy or motivation, and struggled every day with my self confidence and self esteem.  I faked happiness more days than not, to the point that I was so mentally drained that I could barely have a conversation about the weather. Oh, and the loneliness...I've written about it, but the experience of it was something wholly other. Truthfully, towards the end, I really was doing ok just being alone- I made peace with it because I thought I had no other choice, and why fight a current? But it didn't erase the empty feeling, and it was like an anchor on my leg. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle, and everytime I hit a wall with the surgery process, or with anything else, it was like a battering ram to my heart. I tried to maintain a positive attitude, but it was difficult.  

Once the ball finally started to roll with this process, I started to make real changes.  Everything from my eating habits to the way I viewed myself got an overhaul.  I realized I could either sit around and let this bullshit consume and kill me, or I could finally take control of my life and live the way I always wanted to. So I did.  And slowly but surely, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm currently down 65 lbs from my highest weight.  I am happy to just wake up in the morning, with no pain, no dread, and I'm excited to just be. My energy level is unprecedented- just the fact that I have a level of energy now is new and exciting. I'm happy within myself, not needing any validation from a guy or outside influences to make it so. I'm just...good. 

This weight loss has also made me realize I'm a hot ass bitch, and holy fuck is that a fun toy to have lol.

I've had some losses over the last few months as well. Lost a few close, old friends to illnesses.  Lost my longtime job- I was completely baffled and blindsided by that one. Things with me and Mr Jones came to a screeching halt, then blew up in a fiery inferno...yeah...that one was really hard and still hurts, so I'll leave it at that for now. Some part of me always knew it wouldn't end well, I just didn't think it would be like that.  No more Flaco either- we still text on very rare occasions, but that's another ship that has sailed off into the sunset.  Still love him like crazy, probably always will, just not in the same way. 

As sick as I got of dating, I'm now finding that I'm getting way more attention that I've been used to, and I'm not sure what to do with it.  Part of me is like "YAAAS DATE ALL THE BOYS", but I've always prefered quality over quantity. I'm pretty sure I've finally found that quality..(squeeee). 

I've been seeing CT for a short time now, but he has already proven himself to be a game changer. There is no way I could accurately describe him that would do him any justice...he's one of the most incredible people I've ever met.  He's selfless, giving, respectful, motivating, hard working and supportive.  He cares about my feelings, finds ways to make me feel special, and lets me pour myself into him without being afraid to do so. He's not afraid to be vulnerable and wear his heart on his sleeve.  He's an incredibly special human being, and I have to pinch myself every day to make sure he's real and this is not just some fever dream. He's also, hands down, the most physically beautiful man I've ever seen in person in my life. Y'all, he's a bodybuilder/personal trainer. WHATTTT?? His muscles have muscles.  His biceps feel like boulders. I want to wash my laundry on him. His smile alone could light up the planet. He's everything that I could ask for but never dreamed in a million years I could have...and he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing. It's fair to say I kinda like this one. I have a good feeling about him, and a trashy Vegas wedding may be in my future lol.

I'm in a really good place right now. Every day isn't rainbows and sunshine, but I have a better handle now on how to get through the hard stuff.  My emotions are pretty raw these days so I'm way more sensitive to everything, but that honestly feels good.  I've spent so long being a walled up fucking fortress that it feels good to finally let some light in.  It's healing. I'm now just trying to focus on what matters..and who. 

Damn it feels good to (finally) be a Gangsta.