Some Type of Way

I've been...unsettled. Just kind of bobbing below the surface of contentment, and I don't really know why. 

Life has been...fine. A little thin in the pockets, but...fine.

Work has been great. Busy. Exhausting. Overwhelming. But yay new stuff and staying busy. Yay fat raise. I'm in a great place with the boss, firmly in "Right Hand" territory. 

The weight is coming off and Surgery Day is approaching. T-minus 3 weeks and change. 

Mentally I'm in a good place. Most days. But somedays...

I'm realizing now that the reason I'm down a lot is that I have nobody to rely on. I've only ever had myself. When the chips are down, I only have me. When I have hard days, I only have myself to vent to. People hype things like this up and put you on this pedestal for being a bad ass who doesn't need anyone, and while I appreciate the compliment, it couldn't be less true. The ones who compliment my "strength" are always those that have never been without the support I desperately need. Like, y'all have no idea, please don't ever fucking wish to be like me, because it's awful and you'd hate your fucking life. Guess what, I'm not so fucking strong all the time, I'm sad and scared and mostly hopeless, and my "strength" isn't a character trait, it's just a necessity for stability, while I barely keep my head above water and not drown in my fucking misery. It's an anchor on my leg because I don't WANT this responsibility. I'm sick to death of being the "strong one". I want someone to take the weight sometimes so I can just fucking float knowing someone's got me for a change. Self reliance is overrated and exhausting. I feel isolated all the time. Helpless. Stupid. Frustrated. It's like being stuck in cement, freeing yourself, taking a breath, falling into more cement, and this cycle continues without end every single day. I'm in a constant cycle of saving myself, and instead of feeling good about myself, I continue to just feel weaker by the day. If life is a race, then I'm the one in the slow lane, barely moving while everyone else laps me.

While I sit here licking my wounds, may as well add a little Jones update.

Short story: I'm wretchedly, STUPIDLY in love with the man. Like, punch me in the face because I've lost all interest in literally anyone else, I want to nail myself to him-type love. So much that I annoy myself. But despite our years of being on the fringes of something amazing, lately everything has just...stopped. It's one of those situations where I can physically feel his lack of interest, and it stings. It's like having your sun privileges taken away and being banished to the shadows.

To be fair, he's seriously been through it this past year, dealing with personal/family and work things, oh, and also splitting with his wife. (whoops, did I forget to mention that part?)  In MY defense, his divorce has absolutely zero to do with me, and good riddance to her btw, again, not for myself but because she is an all around horrible person, and his daughters deserve better than Satan the Evil StepMonster.

He's still been very wonderful to me. Caring and attentive the rare times that I do have his undivided attention. But there has been a shift, and our interactions are less 'I want you' and more 'familial/protective', which doesn't necessarily sound like a bad thing. Except now it just feels like I've been firmly cemented in the friend zone, right when I finally have a clear opening to really shoot my shot. 

I'm trying not to let it bother me. He owes me nothing, and I ask for nothing. His plate is full, and I've resigned myself to taking a step back and just being supportive from the wings. If all he needs is a friend right now, that's what I'll be.  And despite my feelings for him, and what I thought he may have felt for me once upon a time, this was never meant to move past what it was.  The fact that we now have a wide open road to try and we will likely never take it just makes me sad, and the missed opportunity honestly breaks my heart.  We have so much chemistry and genuine love and affection for each other, and walking away from this feels like the worst kind of waste. I'm just not what he wants, at least not right now, and I have to be ok with it. My feelings for him are my own responsibility.

I said from the beginning that I'd end up breaking my own heart. It was always gonna be me alone in the end.