Thug Lyfe

 Long distance love is not for the weak. This is something I'm learning the hard way. 

RK and I spend a few days a month together. That first hug and kiss when we greet each other makes me feel like I can jump to the moon, but when we have to leave each other...yeah, there's no way to articulate the fucking agony that comes with it. The time we spend together is amazing, but horrible because it's always over too fast. I have to remind myself that this will all be worth it in the end. All the time apart and short visits will have been worth the amazing future we're building together. When I miss him so bad it makes me cry, when we're on the phone at 5am, delirious and half asleep but laughing, even though we're secretly dying for each other, when we're hyping each other up from 250 miles away, when I'm angry and hating all of this and questioning wtf I'm doing with someone I can't have full time... I remind myself that he's my 'Why'. I thug it out and will continue to do so, because there's a light at the end of this tunnel. 

Most people don't and can't understand why I willingly chose this man and this life. The truth is, I didn't. I went into things with no expectations, fully committed to the idea of just keeping things platonic. I told myself it would be absolute suicide to explore anything more than that with our distance and limitations. Falling for him just happened, and once it did, how could I walk away? You can't pick who you love, sometimes the universe chooses for you despite all logic and reason, and you just have to go along for the ride. 

I wouldn't have chosen any of this if I thought I ever had a choice. Loving someone you can't be with is brutal fucking torture that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. It's like stubbing the same toe on the same piece of furniture every single day, but the furniture is nailed to the ground, and you have no way to walk around it or avoid it. I'm just trying to get used to having a sore toe for a while longer, because eventually he'll be here to kiss all the boo-boos away. 

Some days are harder than others. Today was hard, because we didn't get to talk much, and our phone calls have become a lifeline for us both. You don't realize how much they matter until 8 hours go by with no contact. It doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but for us, those 8 hours may as well be a week. Our whole relationship rests on 20 minute phone calls, and we typically knock out a handful of them throughout the day. It's nowhere near enough time, but we make the best of them and make it enough. Some days, like today, our calls combined lasted less than an hour. It's hard not to be discouraged by that. I get angry and sad and frustrated. Having him on the other end of the line reminds me that we're still doing ok, and we'll be bulletproof at the end of all this.

 At least, this is what I hope for.  

I can't predict the future, and we still have a rough road before we can have a life without separation, but I'm in it, and every piece of me says I'm doing the right thing. It's hard... I've dealt with alot of hard shit, but this is definitely in the top 5. At the end of the day tho, we're both dealing with it, and if he can do it, I can. I feel like he's going to be my person, and we owe it to each other to stick it out. 

The way I miss him tho...😮‍💨😞