Friday, May 1, 2015

Breaking Up Is FUCKING AGONY.

I want to mention, before I get into the shitty of this post, that life has been somewhat kind to me these days.  I don't have a whole lot that brings me down, outside of normal life stress.  My relationship with my kids is awesome, closer everyday, I have a cool job, no more legal issues, and a great group of friends, which includes Poppa.
  In case I haven't mentioned before, Poppa is my BGF (Best Guy Friend).  We're closer than close, more than friends, less than romantic, more than family.  We talk multiple times a day, have our own weird language, he's my other half and my sanctuary.  He told me recently that the reason he could never date me is because he puts me on a pedestal- he says he sizes up all potential mates to me, and loves me too much to ruin what we have with a relationship...kinda lame, but I guess I understand.  I feel the same about him, and feel blessed that I have him in the capacity that I do.  We've seen each other through everything- births, deaths, breakups, divorces, illness. We clicked instantly the day we met 12 years ago, and have never looked back.
It's now been seven days since he's spoken to me in any sort of friendly fashion.
Seven days ago, things were fine, normal.Then, suddenly, no warning, they..weren't. He's completely cut me off. The only communication we've had in the last week was a fight, 4 days ago, over (you guessed it) the fact that he's gone rogue and distant for no apparent reason. He's NEVER done this.  EVER. Even when things were fucked up in his life, or he was having health problems, he ALWAYS came to me, usually first.  We don't do this.  This is so completely out of character for him that I contacted his ex wife, the only other one he speaks to, to see if she knows something I don't.
I'm flabbergasted, and so fucking devastated by this I could crumble to bits.  Nothing happened, other than me canceling his birthday lunch because I had to work, which obviously shouldn't be relationship-ending.  If you've read my posts in any capacity, you know that I'm no stranger to nasty breakups, but this...this is like a stick of dynamite to my heart, and I honestly don't know how I'm gonna make it through this. How does someone who was everything to you one day end up as a stranger the next?  I've texted, called, emailed hoping for answers, and he just fucking ignores me.  I'm just..sigh. I can't.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Sour Grapes

It sucks to still be pathetically single. It sucks worse to be bombarded by friends getting engaged all around you. In one day, five couples I know have gotten engaged.  FIVE. In one day.  Including my ex, for the second time.  Meanwhile, a dude I dont even like decided he doesn't even want me.  I am making a valiant effort to be happy for them. Some of them I actually don't have to fake.  Still doesn't make it suck any less that it's them and not me.  Doesn't make it suck less that I don't even have anyone on the radar to hope for. 
I dont want to be this person. The bitter, lonely hag that begrudges everyone else's happiness, but my chances of that are slimming every single day. 

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Setback

I probably don't have the right to mourn the loss of someone that was never really mine to begin with. What's right and logical, however, doesn't always translate into what's real. The sadness I feel over him is so strong it's kind of shocking. Things ended just about as fast as they began, but within that small time period, he took a piece of me that he didn't deserve, and the loss is so tangible. I just.. I wanted what he was offering so bad. It was literally everything I've ever said I wanted here, right in front of me for the taking, and I went all carpe diem and jumped. As soon as I landed in something soft, the bottom opened up and dropped me on the ground, hard. It's not just a matter of 'Aw man I'm single again'.. I was finally becoming resigned to the fact. Honestly, it was just him. Him that I wanted, and him that I hated losing. His words and actions meant everything, and finding out none of it was true was more devastating than I hoped it would be.
I tried shaking it off last night, had Flaco in my bed, just for the company.. That man is so special to me. But even with him next to me, and all the comforts that come with him, I wished he was someone else in particular.  I didn't deserve Flaco and all his amazing.
Is it possible to fall for someone that fast? Why would it hurt so bad if there wasn't real feelings involved? It's actually palpable, like it was a real break up.  I got a taste of everything I wanted, and then it was snatched from me when I blinked. Keeping me blissfully ignorant would have been better than giving me a something I wanted but couldn't keep for myself...

Monday, December 15, 2014

Yeah, Ok.

Once again, I'm left ass out looking like a fool, and I'm not entirely sure what happened.
We had two amazing dates, the second better than the first.  Lots of smiling, kissing, laughing..he held my hand while we drove. He met the family- hugged my mom, sat and had an actual conversation with my kids for over an hour. Told me he couldn't wait to see me again as he was kissing me goodbye. We were on track, heading towards something awesome.  I was like a shaken bottle of champagne.

Then it just...stopped.

Our conversations over the weekend were slim to none.  He barely said 5 sentences to me, and that was only after I reached out to him.  I tried calling him last night, and of course, he didn't answer, nor did he make any moves to return my call or text me to say he was busy. He texted me this morning with a simple 'How are you'.  When I mentioned my call the night before, I tried to open things up, letting him know I was just hoping to hear his voice. Ordinarily when someone says that to you, it's a really sweet fucking gesture that hints that you're missed, and you should reply accordingly.  Instead I got one word- 'Soon.'. What the fuck? How does someone respond to that?

Twenty minutes later, I couldn't take anymore, so I tapped out an 'are we cool?' message just to see where we stood.  I wanted to make sure I hadn't possibly done something to offend him, or at the very least, give him the floor if he needed an out.  At press time, it's now been about 5 hours since it was sent, and my message is still just hanging there. Guess I got my answer.

I um...I'm pretty well crushed, if I'm being honest.  This isn't a 'cry about being single again' thing either.  I had real feelings for this one, and it scares me a little how much it hurts.  He pulled at something in me that I forgot was there, that I forgot how to use, and I allowed myself to just feel everything for a change...it was nice.  I felt like I could breathe again. Now, old wounds have been torn open, ones that I closed up a long time ago, and I'm feeling pretty fucking rough.

There is no way that I can ever do this again. My heart can't take anymore. I fell, he didn't catch me- story of my life.  Evidently I'm not worth catching..time to hang it up while I still have a tiny shred of dignity.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Ring-a-ding Kid

I am in trouble. Massive, face down in a puddle, probably never the same again trouble.
Early 2006 just caught me unawares and slapped me in the face so hard I am flipped completely inside out with no idea how to right myself again. This, of course, means a boy is involved.

This isn't just any boy- this is a bona-fide Man.  The capital M was done on purpose, because that's what he deserves.  This is the man that, on our first date on that fateful day in 2006, held me so tightly and so close while he danced (danced!) with me that we nearly became one person.  This is the man who was first to brush my hair from my face, look directly into my eyes, and tell me I was beautiful. This was the man that made me feel everything a girl is supposed to feel for a boy and then some. 

This is also the man, much to my own detriment, that I dropped like a hot potato when The Rams literally fell into my life.  The rest, as they say, is history. 

Eight years and alot of bad decisions later, here he is again, and I am not prepared for the dump truck full of feels he has put on me already.  
I tried to play the cool girl when we first started talking, but falling back into those old feelings while doing so was just so easy, that I didn't realize it was happening before it already did.  He didn't make it easy on me either- sweetness rolled off of his tongue like honey..I didn't stand a chance.
Last night, there he was, in front of me again after almost a decade.  The smile almost broke my face into shards of glitter.  I was 13 and with the cute boy from school again, crushing so hard, filled with hope, praying to every deity that he liked me too..and he does.  Then he kissed me, in a crowded pub, and the whole world fell away, and it was only him and me.
Now he's occupying every empty thought bubble in my brain at all hours of the day and night, and I literally craaaave him.  I wish I could say that it's just my lust crazed hormones, but in reality, it's just him.  I want to run my fingers through his short chin scruff again because I like the little tickle it gives me and how he stares at me with an indulgent little half smile while I do it.  I love feeling him kiss my forehead, nose, chin, then my lips, like he doesn't want to leave any of me out. I want to laugh while he takes strands of my hair and pretends that I have a crazy mustache.  Mostly I just want to be around him, soaking him up, because I feel like I can't get enough of that.  I haven't felt like I couldn't get enough of someone since...well, it's been a long time.

This man...He makes me feel things nobody has.  All the things I don't like about myself, he loves.  He sees beauty in places and things that others have overlooked or pretended didn't exist, and would make me self conscious around anyone else.  I don't have to pretend or cover up or turn the lights off.
He texts me in the middle of the day, with no preamble, just to tell me I'm pretty. Who is this person??
I am...defenseless. In a short period of time, he's managed to kick down every wall I've built up, and left me completely wide open.  I'm vulnerable and I almost like it.  I'm letting myself fall with no safety net this time, I'm going to fall hard, and if he doesn't catch me, I doubt I'll be able to come back from that, and it scares me to death. Is it possible to be deliriously in 'like' and scared to death at the same time? 
I'm an idiot disguised as a puddle of goo, and I'm not entirely present.  No idea when sanity will return, so leave a message at the beep. 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Faking It

Everyday I have to pretend I'm not dying inside. That's almost as hard as that dying part.
I don't begrudge my friends or family's happiness, I just want a little piece of my own. My second cousin is celebrating 43(!) years of marriage, that's amazing to me.  But it also serves to remind me that I'll never have that.. A lifetime with someone I love.  I feel like my life has been wasted waiting for that person, wondering if they'll ever come at all. 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Real World

I am wildly unhappy with my life. There, I said it. There are lots of people that can say this, but I'm unhappy to the point of near madness.
I've played the role of the kick ass girl power happy go lucky bad ass for a long time because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought if I dialed it in, I would actually start to feel like that, kind of a fake it til I make it thing. I'm not gonna lie, it did work for a while, so I'm not knocking my own process. The thing about that is the momentum has to run out sometime when there's no catalyst behind it, and that's exactly what happened. Now here I am again, drifting behind, with nothing in front of me but empty space.
I'm 35 years old, and I'm not even close to having my shit together. How mortifying is that to even say?
My peers are married, homeowners, have grown up jobs, are in reasonably good shape, money to spare, etc.. Meanwhile, I'm a fat, single loser with never ending legal problems, working a minimum wage job and barely making ends meet, 4 months late on my rent and driving a jalopy.  I'm barely human. I can't even stand to face myself in the mirror.
I moan and pine away every second of the day wanting to find love, but I'd be kidding myself if I ever thought someone would want someone like me. Even if they did, I doubt I'd even be able to recognize it over the din of idiots that only want me for sex. I don't think I'd ever be good enough for someone to actually want to be with.
I'm low, not necessarily depressed, and this isn't something I need to be 'saved' from or talked out of. It's just me stripping away all the bullshit fa├žades and coming clean with myself and everyone else, and when I say everyone, I mean whoever may stumble on this once I'm ready to make it public.
Do I want this for myself? Hell no, I sure as fuck don't ENJOY wallowing in misery everyday, but unfortunately for me, my situation never seems to change as I was doomed from the womb. I want a simple life with simple problems, instead of constant catastrophes and stress. I want a nice husband who loves me and everything I bring to the table, and can see past all my baggage and ugly exterior.  But where I come from, what you want and what you get are usually two very different things.
I've tried to shake myself out, put myself out there, solve my issues, clean up my life. I'm still working on it. I just don't do it with any more gusto because I see no light at the end. I'm becoming reclusive and bitter, everything I tried to avoid. I'm hiding out from friends, have no desire to hang out with my kids and a complete lack of patience for them, I stopped going to the gym because I feel too self conscious, but yet I complain about wanting to have a life. I shut myself off from the world, but all I want is to be in it, soaking it up. I want to live and not simply exist. My desire and my motivation are at opposite ends of the universe, and I have no idea how to bring them together again.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

When The Going Gets Tough...

Adrenaline is a funny thing.  My first couple of workouts had me feeling like Superman and SheRa had a baby and it was me.  Then I got sick, and all that Power Juice trickled out of me everytime I sneezed.  The workouts got harder; my muscles felt like they were gonna cave in after 5 slow minutes on the elliptical, and my asthma-riddled lungs screamed for a medic.  Sometimes I felt like my heart was gonna explode like that overcooked turkey on that Christmas Vacation movie.  Everytime, I wanted to stop, grab my bag, and head back to my truck, even tho I had only been at the gym for 20 minutes.  Instead, I plopped myself on a locker room bench, caught my breath, and remembered why I was there.  Failure isn't an option.  And if I let myself walk out of those doors having done nothing to fix what I've done with myself, then I've officially failed.  I was so hyped up on "reconstructing" myself that I forgot you have to lay a fountation before you can erect a building.  I couldn't go from Couch Potato directly to GTL Gym Rat, my body won't let me.  My problem is that I want instant gratification.  I want to go to the gym, sweat my ass off for 2 hours, and wake up the next day 10 lbs thinner with more flexibility and stamina.  My body, however, thinks I'm a crazy bitch.  I'm now realizing that I have to start over, and start small.  I can't go hard on the elliptical for an hour the way I would like to, at least not yet.  If I can get a full 15 minutes of cardio in, that's good for me, for now.  I have to set small goals, and build myself up, even if that means I'm only putting in a 30 minute workout.
It's hard on my ego to keep this in mind, but I know it's the only way I can keep going.  I will admit, I haven't been as consistent in my workouts as I would like to be- health reasons, time, the weather, and my plain old beaten up, out of shape body have all contributed to that, but I am working on changing that.  I've set a goal for twice a week, no matter what.  I even did something extraordinarily terrifying:  I..DUN-DUN-DUUUUUN!!!  ...Bought a scale- EEEEK!!! I stepped on it this morning for the first time, and let me tell you, if I was ever gonna get some motivation handed to me, it was in the form of those blue digital numbers.  It's an image I hope to never see again.
I'm also finding out that nature has handed me a blessing in disguise.  My body, once cool with inhaling gooey cheeseburgers and junk food, is no longer able to tolerate crap.  Without going into graphic detail, I'll just say that the non-healthy stuff does not sit well whatsoever, and I'ver had to learn that the hard way on more than one occasion.  So! Gone are the greasy drive thru bags- It's clean or nothing for this tummy, something I know will serve me well.

I'm realizing that this whole thing is a process, and I'm acclimating myself to it, slowly but surely.  There are times when I want to give up, I knew there would be, but all it takes is a look in the mirror to change my mind.  I don't want to be trapped in this body, and I'm terrified of things getting worse than they already are.  Baby steps are better than no steps, and I'm gonna baby step my fat ass all the way to HealthyTown.
This has become my mantra.


Sunday, January 12, 2014

...And So It Begins

It's official:  My new body starts today...



They say the first step is always the hardest, but I have to disagree.  My first step was not only easy, but it excited me to take another.  I know this won't be easy.  I know I'm gonna slip up, and I know some days my couch will look way more appealing than an elliptical, but I have to keep my eye on the prize.  This is the first step, and I leapt into it, and I'm not gonna slow down until I hit my goal...Once I do, I may not want to slow down at all.
I'll be posting my progress weekly, and I may even make this really exciting and step this up into a Vlog, because of course you want to see my face, right? Of course you do!  I'm going to be dipping into a preliminary workout tomorrow, just a quick one, so my body doesn't go into shock when I really dig in.  I got this!!

Eye of the tiger baby, eye of the tiger....

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Overhaulin'

Well, well, well..Look who's back like the prodigal?  
It's been 4 months since my last post.  Four months of deep breathing, soul searching, and scrubbing off the scum of 2013..and if I'm being real, the last 34 years of my life.  I decided it was finally time to start fresh, shake off the funk, and start piecing myself pack together a little bit at a time, and my journey begins right here.  
  My time away gave me the opportunity to reevaluate some of my priorities.  I'm still very much single, and I'm mostly okay with that. As a matter of fact, none of my old flames have been around at all; all part of my Clean Sweep Program.  I've eschewed all of my former FWBs, choosing to go hermit instead of hussy, and they all pretty much disappeared soon enough.  There are one or two that are still persistent, but I'm good at ignoring text messages and pretending to be dead.  My head just isn't into it, and neither are my genitals. I'm waiting for the real deal to find me.  I'm very Zen about the whole thing really...
   I have become a Legal Battling warrior during my blog-sabbatical.  I'm fighting back against another DWS charge, and am well on my way to becoming a legal driver again so I can STOP THE MADNESS!! I just want to be a normal person and a normal mom who can do normal things and isn't scared of the big bad policeman and his pretty red and blue lights in my rearview. I'm fighting for that, and I'm gonna win. I should have a fucking cape for this. More to come.
  2014 will also be the year that I cut myself in half!!  Wait...rewind...let's rephrase.
I've said it and said it and said it, but now I'm gonna do something about it.  No more of all this extra goodness for me. I've decided to drop some serious lbs because it's just time to.  Life is short, man, and I'm not living it like I should be when I have too much "me" to carry around.  In 18 months I plan to be at least 75 pounds lighter.  I'm joining a gym next week. I will be that annoying 'gym mirror,earbuds and hoodie' selfie taking, #noexcuses/#LetsGetIt hashtagger who clogs everyones FB feed with my self motivation.  No shame in my game!  That right comes with sweat equity.  I have too much to miss out on in life if I stay like this or worse.  It took me a while to realize that this was something I had to do for myself and not just to 'land a man'.  This isn't just a physical thing for me anymore- it's become a spiritual and emotional thing.  I want to feel healthy in my skin, and wake up everyday feeling alive and fresh.  If I want to dance around my house in my underwear like a fool, I want to be able to do it without getting winded...aaand look fucking hot in my underwear.
It is a Brand New Day, friends, and with it comes a fresh outlook.  My life will just sit at an idle unless I put it in drive, and I plan on burning some serious rubber.  I have other things in the pot too..new career moves, going back to school, etc.  Big things are happening friends, this is just the beginning of something new.  I've planned where I want to land, and I'm excited to get started on the journey that brings me there. I can't wait to start sharing that with you.  Stay tuned...