Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Family Portrait

How, exactly, can I put these feels in terms an outsider can understand?

Ok, picture this...

There is a huge, sparkly, magical door. You've been standing outside of this door your entire life, knocking, wishing & hoping for it to open, so you can finally be a part of what's on the other side, because it's gotta be pretty amazing.  A few times, someone has deigned to poke an eye through the peep hole, maybe even crack the door an inch. But never, under any circumstances, have you ever been let inside, and after a lifetime of knocking, you still don't know why, but still sit against that door hoping for it to open.

I have no relations with my extended family on either side of my lineage.  Some of that is by choice; I blogged about my mother's side of the family a couple hundred posts ago, have yet to have anything to do with those shit eating cunt bags, and thank every higher power in any religion that I share no actual DNA with them.  

On the flipside of the coin is my father's family.

I have an aunt and an uncle, their respective spouses, and a horde of cousins on my dad's side. They choose to have no relations with my father, and by extension, me.
It wasn't always like this.  When I was little, there was always a Christmas or a birthday at Auntie San's, especially if my Nonna was in town. I loved being with them, hanging out with my cousins who are all older than me, having my cheeks pinched by the old folks, getting to feed my Italian roots- It was every Sunday Dinner scene in a mafia movie come to life.
And then it just...stopped.

I've had limited contact with all of them over the years, but I don't remember ever doing or saying anything to warrant the freeze out I've gotten.  I saw most of them recently, just before my Nonna passed. I literally spent every last penny I had to jump on the first flight to Arizona, in the back of my mind thinking that would count for something, maybe redeem whatever I did wrong.  I got a warmer welcome than I expected, and thought it was finally a turning point- death tends to bring people together, right?

Wrong.

I didn't hear a word from any of them after I left until she passed.  I got a text message from my Uncle N informing me. A fucking text message to tell me my grandmother was dead. Then, back to the void. I was back on the outside of the door once again.

The branch that broke the dam happened today.  
I'm "friends" on Facebook with my Uncle N (my father's brother), and my two male cousins.  I stumbled upon pictures from a 50th wedding anniversary party thrown for Uncle N and his wife. Of course, the whole family was there, including relatives from Italy, everyone was well dressed and beautiful and having an awesome time celebrating such an amazing milestone.  When I spotted the picture of all the cousins, smiling and happy and aged, I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I know that crying over something you never really had in the first place is stupid and pointless, but I couldn't help but wonder why the fuck I was not in that picture with all of those people who look just like me and share my fucking DNA.
I can't help wonder why I don't belong, even though I have all the right parts to fit and complete the puzzle. I can't help but wonder why the hell I try so hard and receive nothing.



Sunday, July 19, 2015

Started From The Bottom...

This blog is about to go in a radically different direction.
I considered starting up something new just for this purpose, but, when everything is said and done, I would like to be able to look back and see my whole journey from start to finish, and the beginnings that led me to where I am now, and to where I'm going.

First stop on the journey: My days of being fat are numbered.

I've made a few steps forward on this and a hundred steps back, but now the wheels are in motion, and there's no going back. Eighteen months from now, I will be a completely different person, not only physically, but in every other metaphysical form there is.
After TONS of research, idea kicking-around, advice, and soul searching, I have opted to go for weight loss surgery. I'm realizing that after much failure, I can't do this on my own, and I'm out of time to lose what I need to in order to be healthy.  Lucky for me now, I am still relatively healthy despite my current size, but I'd rather not tempt fate any longer, because I know that luck is temporary.
I am beyond excited, so much in fact that I've already started compiling a list of my NSVs (Non-Scale Victories).  It started small; things like being able to cross my legs again, and being able to buckle my seatbelt on a plane without the use of an extender, wearing straight sizes again.  From there it grew into this monster list that I continue to add on to every day. I saw all the things I've either been missing out on or have lost the ability to do because of my size- It was humbling and embarrassing. I realize that, along with my body, my whole life has to change.  I've been priming myself a little at a time for the last few months for this, so then when crunch time comes, the transition won't be so jarring. In the interim before surgery, I will be using the Weight Watchers program, which I'm actually pretty excited about.  The support system is exactly what I need; it will make me more accountable when I know I have people rooting for me to succeed, and at this point, I have no choice- it's succeed or lose my life.
By now you're probably wondering what the process is and how much I want/have to lose. Well..
Before I'm even near an operating table, I have to lose 35 lbs in 6 months with the help of WW.  Sort of a show of good faith that (1) I've made an attempt to lose weight without surgery, and (2) That I'm capable of committing to a healthy lifestyle.  I totally get it.
After that, I have 6 more months to continue to lose weight, have to go through a litany of tests to make sure the old bod is up for such a thing, oh, and have to see a SHRINK to make sure I'm not secretly crazy or anorexic or gonna throw myself in front of a train before, after or during surgery, so there's that. Once ALL of that is out of the way and I pass, the Bariatric Surgeon and his team will clear me for surgery, and the rest will be history.
At the end of the day, my goal is to lose 175lbs total.

Think about that.
175 pounds is a WHOLE PERSON. And not even a small person. I literally need to take off a whole human being in order to be healthy and back where I want to be weight wise.
I don't plan to go for the gold and get super skinny- My body isn't made that way, and I honestly enjoy having a little extra cushion, I just don't want to be the whole couch.

It is a BRAND NEW DAY, ladies and gentlemen.Which brings me to step two:

Getting right on the inside.

During this journey to get my body and health right, I'll also be working on my soul.  I've discovered Transcendental Meditation.  I think it's something I've always been drawn to, and just never knew how to put it into action, or that it was actually something I could practice. I've always had an odd draw to the ocean.  Being at or near the beach fills me with a calm I never have otherwise.  When I'm away from it and I meditate, I imagine that's where I am; the waves rolling in, grabbing my worries, and washing them out to sea.  It sounds really fucking hokey and new age-y, I know, but dammit of it doesn't help. I've started reading about TM, and it just sort of clicks with me.  You actually have to take classes for it to learn how to do it the right way, so that's my plan. Your outside can't be good and healthy until you're good from within.

I have spent so many years not living my life, and only existing in it, and I'm so done with that.  I want to be in control of myself again- I want to travel and take hikes and be able to do a cartwheel, and put on my socks without getting winded.  You only get one life, and I'd like to have mine for as long as I can, and on my last days, be able to say that I did something with it.  I've spent too many years being a prisoner to myself.
It's time I finally broke free.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Ummm...

OK, so let's start a list. 

-Got over my ex: ✔
-Taken time to "find myself“ after said breakup (whatever that means): ✔
-Attended a restaurant/movie/concert/wedding alone ✔
-Taken a trip solo: ✔x3
.. Oh, and lest we forget the biggest & baddest...
-Learned how to love myself and be comfortable with being single: ✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔
.. Though it should be noted that such a task would be tough to complete when one has been single as long as I have. 
I checked all the boxes, did all the stuff single people are supposed to do during their single days. I've had adventures and sowed my oats (or something), I've been the kick ass single chick for way longer than I signed up for, but I'm bored!! I'm done being single, it's not fun anymore.  It's not fun attending social events and not having someone to rehash the highlights with over ice cream in your pajamas when it's over. It's not fun being out and about on a nice night in a cool place amongst all the other couples, and instead of hanging out, taking in the scenery, you dash to your car and leave instead of staying and looking like some lonely loser. Adventures are less fun when you don't have someone to share them with.  I miss having someone to share moments with. I miss the 'sharing a look and not having to say a word cuz we just get each other' stuff. I miss being chosen. I miss connecting. I miss waking up next to someone, knowing that 99.9% of the reasons they'll smile that day is because of me. I miss the comfort of always having a date at social obligations, and not having to scramble for one.  Mostly I miss the comfort and peace that only my chosen human can bring.
I miss it...more than I can articulate.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Breaking Up Is FUCKING AGONY.

I want to mention, before I get into the shitty of this post, that life has been somewhat kind to me these days.  I don't have a whole lot that brings me down, outside of normal life stress.  My relationship with my kids is awesome, closer everyday, I have a cool job, no more legal issues, and a great group of friends, which includes Poppa.
  In case I haven't mentioned before, Poppa is my BGF (Best Guy Friend).  We're closer than close, more than friends, less than romantic, more than family.  We talk multiple times a day, have our own weird language, he's my other half and my sanctuary.  He told me recently that the reason he could never date me is because he puts me on a pedestal- he says he sizes up all potential mates to me, and loves me too much to ruin what we have with a relationship...kinda lame, but I guess I understand.  I feel the same about him, and feel blessed that I have him in the capacity that I do.  We've seen each other through everything- births, deaths, breakups, divorces, illness. We clicked instantly the day we met 12 years ago, and have never looked back.
It's now been seven days since he's spoken to me in any sort of friendly fashion.
Seven days ago, things were fine, normal.Then, suddenly, no warning, they..weren't. He's completely cut me off. The only communication we've had in the last week was a fight, 4 days ago, over (you guessed it) the fact that he's gone rogue and distant for no apparent reason. He's NEVER done this.  EVER. Even when things were fucked up in his life, or he was having health problems, he ALWAYS came to me, usually first.  We don't do this.  This is so completely out of character for him that I contacted his ex wife, the only other one he speaks to, to see if she knows something I don't.
I'm flabbergasted, and so fucking devastated by this I could crumble to bits.  Nothing happened, other than me canceling his birthday lunch because I had to work, which obviously shouldn't be relationship-ending.  If you've read my posts in any capacity, you know that I'm no stranger to nasty breakups, but this...this is like a stick of dynamite to my heart, and I honestly don't know how I'm gonna make it through this. How does someone who was everything to you one day end up as a stranger the next?  I've texted, called, emailed hoping for answers, and he just fucking ignores me.  I'm just..sigh. I can't.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Sour Grapes

It sucks to still be pathetically single. It sucks worse to be bombarded by friends getting engaged all around you. In one day, five couples I know have gotten engaged.  FIVE. In one day.  Including my ex, for the second time.  Meanwhile, a dude I dont even like decided he doesn't even want me.  I am making a valiant effort to be happy for them. Some of them I actually don't have to fake.  Still doesn't make it suck any less that it's them and not me.  Doesn't make it suck less that I don't even have anyone on the radar to hope for. 
I dont want to be this person. The bitter, lonely hag that begrudges everyone else's happiness, but my chances of that are slimming every single day. 

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Setback

I probably don't have the right to mourn the loss of someone that was never really mine to begin with. What's right and logical, however, doesn't always translate into what's real. The sadness I feel over him is so strong it's kind of shocking. Things ended just about as fast as they began, but within that small time period, he took a piece of me that he didn't deserve, and the loss is so tangible. I just.. I wanted what he was offering so bad. It was literally everything I've ever said I wanted here, right in front of me for the taking, and I went all carpe diem and jumped. As soon as I landed in something soft, the bottom opened up and dropped me on the ground, hard. It's not just a matter of 'Aw man I'm single again'.. I was finally becoming resigned to the fact. Honestly, it was just him. Him that I wanted, and him that I hated losing. His words and actions meant everything, and finding out none of it was true was more devastating than I hoped it would be.
I tried shaking it off last night, had Flaco in my bed, just for the company.. That man is so special to me. But even with him next to me, and all the comforts that come with him, I wished he was someone else in particular.  I didn't deserve Flaco and all his amazing.
Is it possible to fall for someone that fast? Why would it hurt so bad if there wasn't real feelings involved? It's actually palpable, like it was a real break up.  I got a taste of everything I wanted, and then it was snatched from me when I blinked. Keeping me blissfully ignorant would have been better than giving me a something I wanted but couldn't keep for myself...

Monday, December 15, 2014

Yeah, Ok.

Once again, I'm left ass out looking like a fool, and I'm not entirely sure what happened.
We had two amazing dates, the second better than the first.  Lots of smiling, kissing, laughing..he held my hand while we drove. He met the family- hugged my mom, sat and had an actual conversation with my kids for over an hour. Told me he couldn't wait to see me again as he was kissing me goodbye. We were on track, heading towards something awesome.  I was like a shaken bottle of champagne.

Then it just...stopped.

Our conversations over the weekend were slim to none.  He barely said 5 sentences to me, and that was only after I reached out to him.  I tried calling him last night, and of course, he didn't answer, nor did he make any moves to return my call or text me to say he was busy. He texted me this morning with a simple 'How are you'.  When I mentioned my call the night before, I tried to open things up, letting him know I was just hoping to hear his voice. Ordinarily when someone says that to you, it's a really sweet fucking gesture that hints that you're missed, and you should reply accordingly.  Instead I got one word- 'Soon.'. What the fuck? How does someone respond to that?

Twenty minutes later, I couldn't take anymore, so I tapped out an 'are we cool?' message just to see where we stood.  I wanted to make sure I hadn't possibly done something to offend him, or at the very least, give him the floor if he needed an out.  At press time, it's now been about 5 hours since it was sent, and my message is still just hanging there. Guess I got my answer.

I um...I'm pretty well crushed, if I'm being honest.  This isn't a 'cry about being single again' thing either.  I had real feelings for this one, and it scares me a little how much it hurts.  He pulled at something in me that I forgot was there, that I forgot how to use, and I allowed myself to just feel everything for a change...it was nice.  I felt like I could breathe again. Now, old wounds have been torn open, ones that I closed up a long time ago, and I'm feeling pretty fucking rough.

There is no way that I can ever do this again. My heart can't take anymore. I fell, he didn't catch me- story of my life.  Evidently I'm not worth catching..time to hang it up while I still have a tiny shred of dignity.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Ring-a-ding Kid

I am in trouble. Massive, face down in a puddle, probably never the same again trouble.
Early 2006 just caught me unawares and slapped me in the face so hard I am flipped completely inside out with no idea how to right myself again. This, of course, means a boy is involved.

This isn't just any boy- this is a bona-fide Man.  The capital M was done on purpose, because that's what he deserves.  This is the man that, on our first date on that fateful day in 2006, held me so tightly and so close while he danced (danced!) with me that we nearly became one person.  This is the man who was first to brush my hair from my face, look directly into my eyes, and tell me I was beautiful. This was the man that made me feel everything a girl is supposed to feel for a boy and then some. 

This is also the man, much to my own detriment, that I dropped like a hot potato when The Rams literally fell into my life.  The rest, as they say, is history. 

Eight years and alot of bad decisions later, here he is again, and I am not prepared for the dump truck full of feels he has put on me already.  
I tried to play the cool girl when we first started talking, but falling back into those old feelings while doing so was just so easy, that I didn't realize it was happening before it already did.  He didn't make it easy on me either- sweetness rolled off of his tongue like honey..I didn't stand a chance.
Last night, there he was, in front of me again after almost a decade.  The smile almost broke my face into shards of glitter.  I was 13 and with the cute boy from school again, crushing so hard, filled with hope, praying to every deity that he liked me too..and he does.  Then he kissed me, in a crowded pub, and the whole world fell away, and it was only him and me.
Now he's occupying every empty thought bubble in my brain at all hours of the day and night, and I literally craaaave him.  I wish I could say that it's just my lust crazed hormones, but in reality, it's just him.  I want to run my fingers through his short chin scruff again because I like the little tickle it gives me and how he stares at me with an indulgent little half smile while I do it.  I love feeling him kiss my forehead, nose, chin, then my lips, like he doesn't want to leave any of me out. I want to laugh while he takes strands of my hair and pretends that I have a crazy mustache.  Mostly I just want to be around him, soaking him up, because I feel like I can't get enough of that.  I haven't felt like I couldn't get enough of someone since...well, it's been a long time.

This man...He makes me feel things nobody has.  All the things I don't like about myself, he loves.  He sees beauty in places and things that others have overlooked or pretended didn't exist, and would make me self conscious around anyone else.  I don't have to pretend or cover up or turn the lights off.
He texts me in the middle of the day, with no preamble, just to tell me I'm pretty. Who is this person??
I am...defenseless. In a short period of time, he's managed to kick down every wall I've built up, and left me completely wide open.  I'm vulnerable and I almost like it.  I'm letting myself fall with no safety net this time, I'm going to fall hard, and if he doesn't catch me, I doubt I'll be able to come back from that, and it scares me to death. Is it possible to be deliriously in 'like' and scared to death at the same time? 
I'm an idiot disguised as a puddle of goo, and I'm not entirely present.  No idea when sanity will return, so leave a message at the beep. 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Faking It

Everyday I have to pretend I'm not dying inside. That's almost as hard as that dying part.
I don't begrudge my friends or family's happiness, I just want a little piece of my own. My second cousin is celebrating 43(!) years of marriage, that's amazing to me.  But it also serves to remind me that I'll never have that.. A lifetime with someone I love.  I feel like my life has been wasted waiting for that person, wondering if they'll ever come at all. 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Real World

I am wildly unhappy with my life. There, I said it. There are lots of people that can say this, but I'm unhappy to the point of near madness.
I've played the role of the kick ass girl power happy go lucky bad ass for a long time because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought if I dialed it in, I would actually start to feel like that, kind of a fake it til I make it thing. I'm not gonna lie, it did work for a while, so I'm not knocking my own process. The thing about that is the momentum has to run out sometime when there's no catalyst behind it, and that's exactly what happened. Now here I am again, drifting behind, with nothing in front of me but empty space.
I'm 35 years old, and I'm not even close to having my shit together. How mortifying is that to even say?
My peers are married, homeowners, have grown up jobs, are in reasonably good shape, money to spare, etc.. Meanwhile, I'm a fat, single loser with never ending legal problems, working a minimum wage job and barely making ends meet, 4 months late on my rent and driving a jalopy.  I'm barely human. I can't even stand to face myself in the mirror.
I moan and pine away every second of the day wanting to find love, but I'd be kidding myself if I ever thought someone would want someone like me. Even if they did, I doubt I'd even be able to recognize it over the din of idiots that only want me for sex. I don't think I'd ever be good enough for someone to actually want to be with.
I'm low, not necessarily depressed, and this isn't something I need to be 'saved' from or talked out of. It's just me stripping away all the bullshit fa├žades and coming clean with myself and everyone else, and when I say everyone, I mean whoever may stumble on this once I'm ready to make it public.
Do I want this for myself? Hell no, I sure as fuck don't ENJOY wallowing in misery everyday, but unfortunately for me, my situation never seems to change as I was doomed from the womb. I want a simple life with simple problems, instead of constant catastrophes and stress. I want a nice husband who loves me and everything I bring to the table, and can see past all my baggage and ugly exterior.  But where I come from, what you want and what you get are usually two very different things.
I've tried to shake myself out, put myself out there, solve my issues, clean up my life. I'm still working on it. I just don't do it with any more gusto because I see no light at the end. I'm becoming reclusive and bitter, everything I tried to avoid. I'm hiding out from friends, have no desire to hang out with my kids and a complete lack of patience for them, I stopped going to the gym because I feel too self conscious, but yet I complain about wanting to have a life. I shut myself off from the world, but all I want is to be in it, soaking it up. I want to live and not simply exist. My desire and my motivation are at opposite ends of the universe, and I have no idea how to bring them together again.