::Let Me Clear My Throat::

 What do you do when you can no longer move forward? Here I am, forehead pressed against the wall, running in place, sweating, crying in frustration, hoping for just one little breakthrough...but getting absolutely nowhere.  Does one keep banging their head against that wall, or break out and find a new road? For four years, I've been running on this hamster wheel at work.  There are certain sacrifices you make working for an independent business, and I've made the rounds to all of them. Minimal PTO, low pay, heavy workload, zero vacation time, no real 'time off'.  I convinced myself the cool, fun relationship I had with my boss, and the ability to basically do whatever I wanted while at work, was worth the lack of actual necessities to survive.  Meanwhile, my actual life faded into the background, and work-life balance became a concept instead of a reality. Still, I felt important and indispensable, and it was enough to keep me running to nowhere. When we merge...

 I'm trying to believe that my time is coming.  I have to start telling myself that all the opportunities I've been missing out on, and all the things that have been missing from my life, are coming my way.  I have to promise myself that things are going to get better.   And somehow, I need to really believe in this, because if I'm being honest...lol... It would be so easy to slip into that hopeless place, because I'm literally standing on the edge of it with one foot hanging over. 

I've been...unsettled. Just kind of bobbing below the surface of contentment, and I don't really know why.  Life has been...fine. A little thin in the pockets, but...fine. Work has been great. Busy. Exhausting. Overwhelming. But yay new stuff and staying busy. Yay fat raise. I'm in a great place with the boss, firmly in "Right Hand" territory.  The weight is coming off and Surgery Day is approaching. T-minus 3 weeks and change.  Mentally I'm in a good place. Most days. But somedays... I'm realizing now that the reason I'm down a lot is that I have nobody to rely on. I've only ever had myself. When the chips are down, I only have me. When I have hard days, I only have myself to vent to. People hype things like this up and put you on this pedestal for being a bad ass who doesn't need anyone, and while I appreciate the compliment, it couldn't be less true. The ones who compliment my "strength" are always those that have never been w...

I often wonder if I'm a terrible parent.  Granted, the "kids" are now fully functioning adults capable of making their own choices and wiping their own asses, literally and figuratively, but once a mom, always a mom, amirite? When Kid #1 lost her house back in August, I felt painted into a corner.  I know she had nowhere else to go, and her former bedroom was available and now staged as my office/spare bedroom, complete with new bed and linens.  I was proud of having that space, and used it often.  It came in handy when my mom came to town or my nieces and nephew wanted a sleepover. It was a quiet space I could use to work or read or nap. It was open, however, and she needed a place to sleep, so it was natural to just have her come home. I've regretted it since day one.   The last year or so, I've really been struggling with my mental and emotional health.  I'm in a space now that I can recognize and acknowledge it, and take the necessary steps wh...

God...the way he looks at me sometimes.  Like he's been in the dark, and I'm the sun. I can feel it, like he's touching me from across the room. That cliche of everyone else in the room disappearing is real.  I can't hear or see anything but him in those moments. It makes me want to hold my breath and not make a sound just so we can stay in that hazy bubble for a few more precious seconds. I want to cross the room and bury myself in him. I want to scream my feelings for him out loud. The spell always breaks, however, inevitably and inadvertently, and when it does, the physical loss of it is...fuck. I have it so bad. I knew it would happen, but not to this degree. I'm fully, wholly, incredibly in love with Mr. Jones. I say this with my whole chest, and without the influence of physical activity. I know without a doubt in me that I'm not alone in these feelings....and that, despite them, we won't progress to anything more beyond what we already are. A tragedy ...

 I have no more 'Yippie' for the holidays. Frankly, I feel drained and grumpy, and have zero desire to take part in the usual traditions. For example, right now I'm sitting in front of the mess that is my deconstructed Christmas tree, complete with all it's usual accoutrements. I want to cover it all with a blanket and forget it's sitting here. I have no holly jolly, just some 'I hate everyone', and a little 'fuck this shit'.  My family no doubt adds to this melancholy, or really, if I'm being honest, plant the seed in the first place. Nobody is thoughtful, or creative or particularly festive. Shared Christmas lists are no longer suggestions, but more like a grocery list, so the element of surprise and whimsy is completely lost. Nobody tries anymore. They don't listen or care. Everyone is imperial, too self centered to give a damn about others.  This isn't fun anymore. It's become a chore I despise, rather than something to look forwa...

 Trauma & heartbreak can fuck your whole world up at the most random points of your life. In my case, it's just my love life. I'm realizing that after walking away from Poppa for the last time, getting ghosted by Flaco two years ago, and everything in between, I've grown a really hard shell. I have no tolerance for games and bullshit anymore, and, as I mentioned in my last post, I could give a shit whether I date.  However, that's not the whole story.  The truth is, I literally ache for connection. I feel an actual, physical yearn for it in my body.  I just don't know how to open myself up to someone anymore to try to get it. It's like I want to sit here in my suit of armor and just sleep, until someone comes and crashes their way inside.  But I know at the end of the day,  that's unrealistic.