Tough Luck

I often wonder if I'm a terrible parent.  Granted, the "kids" are now fully functioning adults capable of making their own choices and wiping their own asses, literally and figuratively, but once a mom, always a mom, amirite?

When Kid #1 lost her house back in August, I felt painted into a corner.  I know she had nowhere else to go, and her former bedroom was available and now staged as my office/spare bedroom, complete with new bed and linens.  I was proud of having that space, and used it often.  It came in handy when my mom came to town or my nieces and nephew wanted a sleepover. It was a quiet space I could use to work or read or nap. It was open, however, and she needed a place to sleep, so it was natural to just have her come home.

I've regretted it since day one.

 

The last year or so, I've really been struggling with my mental and emotional health.  I'm in a space now that I can recognize and acknowledge it, and take the necessary steps when I feel like I'm starting to go askew.  Because of that, and our prior experiences, I made things very clear to her that I put that health first, and wouldn't tolerate anything that threatened my peace in my own home. This included keeping a lid on her relationship drama, disrespect, cleaning up after herself, etc. 

Instead, I've been subjected to all of it and then some.  Her dogs are disruptive to the point that I can't have company, and haven't in the 6 months she's been back home. I dread when anyone dares to so much as pull up next to the house, and don't get me started on the doorbell. Despite the obvious solution to train them otherwise, she does absolutely nothing.  They've trashed my furniture, trashed my house. All of this, combined with the fact that she STILL doesn't pay rent, has me at the end of my patience, and it's fucking with my soul. 

My anxiety is constantly at a peak.  It was so bad one day recently that I had to go home, lock myself in my room and legitimately swaddle myself in a blanket to calm down. I'm crazy lonely in every conceivable way, and completely affection starved.  Flaco sniffs around a few times a week wanting to visit, but having 800 extra people in my house puts a kibosh on that, so I'm stuck sleeping alone. Money is tight- ridiculous when you consider that there are four adults living in the house, two of whom make more than I do, but here we are.  It's still a constant battle between paying the utility bills or buying groceries.  For the record, I haven't spent more than $40 a month on groceries in MONTHS.  But hey, my pants are looser, so #winning. 

Things are changing at work and I'm afraid that they're gonna change too much and in the wrong way, and work is literally the only bright spot in my life right now and I'm scared to death to lose that.  I'm getting closer to scheduling a life saving surgery, but I'm afraid my lack of finances will stand in the way, and having this ripped away from me for a third time will absolutely fucking crush me. This all boils down to me constantly feeling shitty, and I'm getting to that place that's hard to crawl out of. 

I colored within the lines for so long and things were good, and now everything feels unstable and ready to crash around me. The kid moving in isn't the cause of all of the issues, but she is most definitely the catalyst for a lot of them; I wish every day that she had an option other than me, and then I feel like a shitty mom because it's my job to help her.

Add aaaaalll of this to what I'm already dealing with, and it will make sense why cracking a genuine smile feels like physical work. I'm hating everything right now, and this is not where I want to be.  I was able to toe the line for a while, and I was feeling good, some days really good.  Now that I'm low again, I don't know what to do with myself. 

I'm hoping this is just a bump in the road, cuz I'm feeling pretty delicate right now and know that I can't take more than this.