Bah, Humbug

 I have no more 'Yippie' for the holidays. Frankly, I feel drained and grumpy, and have zero desire to take part in the usual traditions. For example, right now I'm sitting in front of the mess that is my deconstructed Christmas tree, complete with all it's usual accoutrements. I want to cover it all with a blanket and forget it's sitting here. I have no holly jolly, just some 'I hate everyone', and a little 'fuck this shit'. 

My family no doubt adds to this melancholy, or really, if I'm being honest, plant the seed in the first place. Nobody is thoughtful, or creative or particularly festive. Shared Christmas lists are no longer suggestions, but more like a grocery list, so the element of surprise and whimsy is completely lost. Nobody tries anymore. They don't listen or care. Everyone is imperial, too self centered to give a damn about others. 

This isn't fun anymore. It's become a chore I despise, rather than something to look forward to. It's so forced and disingenuous, chaotic, suffocating, and let's not forget expensive. If I'm being real, I wanted to forgo all gifts this year, and use that money on myself, take a trip or something, because fuck everyone. But I can't because then I'm the asshole and it's expected of me.

I've been pretty unhappy lately in general, and I know that really is the catalyst for why I feel the way I do now.  Things are rough and stressful at home, just too much everything. The holidays make me feel extra lonely and touchy, but nobody cares to hear me say that so I carry it around all the time instead. I've been really overwhelmed with everything, and this shit just makes me want to tap out. 

I used to look forward to this. Even when the rest of the year sucked, Christmas time always brought a little magic. I miss that, and would kill for it again, even just once.