::Let Me Clear My Throat::

Edit-12/23/2017 : My floating heart has once again hit the pavement. I've been heartbroken many times, but this one shreds my soul. I thought about tearing this post down and burning it, but I won't.  Someday, when the hurt goes away, I want to be able to look back and remember how it felt to feel like this.  x. It has all come down to this. I've been writing this blog for nearly 10 years, and it has seen my entire emotional spectrum.  I've covered love, heartbreak, depression, dating, struggle, homelessness, jail, loneliness, and all the ups, downs, and sideways in between.  Some of my reads have been fun.  Most have been rough. I'm finally in a place where I can say all that struggle and hell was worth it, because it brought me here. I have a great, fucking exhausting and mentally draining job that I love, that has infinite potential to bring me even higher on the ladder. My kids are happy and healthy, and at 15 and 20, well adjusted young adults. I ...

Imagine you're driving in your car, carefree.  Singing along with the radio. Minding your own business. Things are cool.  Then, without warning, your car spontaneously falls apart in the middle of the road. You never noticed a problem, and it stuns you and leaves you stranded, stuck to the pavement holding the steering wheel. That's what it's like dealing with a depressive disorder.  That's what it's like to be me on any given day. Most days I'm good- I'm the zoomy little car zipping down the road.  Then I have days like today, where, without warning or reason, it's a chore just to drag myself out of bed.  Nothing triggered me, nothing happened, and today was supposed to be a good day-I just wasn't feeling any of it. I got up and dressed strictly out of obligation, but it took me until 2pm.  I dragged myself practically kicking and screaming to a family function two hours late.  I spent the next three hours barely communicating with friends and ...

Treat yo'self to some popcorn, kids, this is gonna be a saga. For over a decade, I have had an on/off thing with Flaco.  I've mentioned him dozens of times in dozens of posts, even had a few solely about him .  He is extremely special to me. Despite so many years of hanging out and hooking up, we've never actually attempted to date, for reasons I will get into. An outsider may look at this and see a textbook FWB relationship, and though I don't totally disagree, it's not exactly like that.  First and foremost, we are actually friends.  We enjoy spending time together.  We laugh and joke. We text at random just to say hi. We go on dates, and he treats me like a boyfriend would, holding my hand and kissing me, whether we're alone or with a group. Sometimes he comes over, and there are no 'benefits', just a night spent together in front of a movie, followed by us curling into each other and falling asleep (those are my favorite times, for very obvious r...

I obviously haven't been here for a while- my reasons why vary from day to day, but mostly it's just because I haven't felt like it.  It's no secret that the majority of this blog is depressing; taking my current situation into consideration, I don't know that I want to add another 'I hate my life' post to the pile, but alas, here I am.  I am a glutton for catharsis, and I blame YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE for planting the seed to do this.  Again. Whatever, let's roll. Life has been a rollercoaster for the last year.  Let's recap: 'Arthur' is gone from the picture and Good Riddance.  He lasted less than a month before I told him to kick rocks, or eat dirt, or whatever the saying is, parole be damned. He became the kind of person I despised, and I haven't seen or talked to him since.  He was a glaring reminder of my intolerance for bullshit, and there is no love lost on my end, hashtag BYEFELICIA. My cold, dead heart has risen again. Tooda...

OOOOoooh It's gonna be a purging bonanza today, my friends. I've been holding in so many secrets that I could be a Mafia consigliere, and I literally can't do it anymore or my emotions will go on strike.  Here we go. I have a friend, and for anonymity sake, we'll call him Arthur.  Arthur and I have been friends for over 20 years, strictly platonic all the way.  Arthur hasn't had an easy life, and unfortunately, he's gotten himself in trouble a time or two, and has spent some time inside Illinois finest institutions.  To his defense, he's been forced to grow up and take a hard look at his life, and has turned himself around. Up until three days ago, Arthur was 'away' for about 4 years.  During that time, he and I communicated by writing hundreds of letters, and eventually moved to phone calls and visits.  Over time, I learned that, aside from very  sporadic contact with his mom and aunt, I was literally the only one that he had contact with.  T...

I now understand the true meaning of the phrase 'hair trigger'. Happened to me today.  I was happily rolling along, minding my own little biz, singing along to Tori Kelly, annoyed at the semi driving 7 miles an hour in front of me, then, BAM. A little invisible emotion ninja roundhouse kicked me in the throat and I had to remember how to swallow and breathe for the next two blocks. I'm babbling now.  Let's rewind. Five months ago, my friendship with Poppa took it's last breath. There was no warning.  No fight. No disagreement. Hours before, we were texting and sending stupid jokes back and forth. Few days before, he was acting a little distant, and when I confronted him about it, I got, and I quote: "Of course not baby, why would I be mad at you?  I love you." Suffice it to say, everything was fine...until it wasn't.  I found out about his desire to end our friendship through (you ready for this?) INSTAGRAM. Via some stupid meme/quote things that...

*One day, someone will walk into your life, and you'll see why it never worked out with anyone else. *One day, love is gonna find you when you least expect it. *One day, someone will see all that beautiful and realize how amazing you are. *One day, someone is gonna love you the way you've always deserved. *One day, you'll get all the happiness you've ever wished for. *One day, someone is gonna see past all your flaws right into your heart. *One day, all this suffering will have been worth it. *One day, you're gonna wish for your single days again. *One day, the man that we truly meant for you will fall out of the sky and into your path. *One day, we'll be zipping up your wedding dress. *One day....