Sack of Bricks

Imagine you're driving in your car, carefree.  Singing along with the radio. Minding your own business. Things are cool.  Then, without warning, your car spontaneously falls apart in the middle of the road. You never noticed a problem, and it stuns you and leaves you stranded, stuck to the pavement holding the steering wheel.

That's what it's like dealing with a depressive disorder.  That's what it's like to be me on any given day.

Most days I'm good- I'm the zoomy little car zipping down the road.  Then I have days like today, where, without warning or reason, it's a chore just to drag myself out of bed.  Nothing triggered me, nothing happened, and today was supposed to be a good day-I just wasn't feeling any of it. I got up and dressed strictly out of obligation, but it took me until 2pm.  I dragged myself practically kicking and screaming to a family function two hours late.  I spent the next three hours barely communicating with friends and family, feeling physical pain when I had to paint on a fake smile and make minimum conversation. It's days like today when I feel like I'm made of lead.  When lifting a foot to put it in front of the other feels like the hardest thing I'll have to do, and cracking a smile leaves me certain that my face will break.  

It's not even sadness..I don't know that I can find a word to describe it other than just low. Like the weight of everything rests on top of me and I can't breathe, and I feel completely alone in a room full of people. It's a feeling of not being understood, and of needing a little extra love, even though I push everyone away. It's confusing and all-consuming, and I never know why it comes and how long it will last. It makes me want to both wallow in it and escape from it all at the same time.

The heaviness of it is exhausting, and the unexpectedness of it leaves my head spinning, and it takes me longer to recover each time.  

I'm leaving this loose-ended, because that's how I feel today..loose-ended, frayed, and tired.