Drop Out

I obviously haven't been here for a while- my reasons why vary from day to day, but mostly it's just because I haven't felt like it.  It's no secret that the majority of this blog is depressing; taking my current situation into consideration, I don't know that I want to add another 'I hate my life' post to the pile, but alas, here I am.  I am a glutton for catharsis, and I blame YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE for planting the seed to do this.  Again. Whatever, let's roll.

Life has been a rollercoaster for the last year.  Let's recap:

• 'Arthur' is gone from the picture and Good Riddance.  He lasted less than a month before I told him to kick rocks, or eat dirt, or whatever the saying is, parole be damned. He became the kind of person I despised, and I haven't seen or talked to him since.  He was a glaring reminder of my intolerance for bullshit, and there is no love lost on my end, hashtag BYEFELICIA. My cold, dead heart has risen again. Toodaloo, Muddafugga.
• My dead friendship with Poppa is very recently alive again, but only by a flicker, and I have ceased to give a shit.  We talk on an occasional basis.  It's casual. I don't feel a tickle of what I did for him before, and truth be told, I'm still kinda pissed at him, and I have no desire to 'strengthen our bond'. His reasons for dumping me last year were bullshit and based as far away from factual as a reason could get, so I'm pretty content in leaving him alone and letting him contact me, as I have zero desire to reach out to him. If our quasi-friendship were to end again right now, my day would go on as usual. 
• The Dreaded Ex and I have been in casual contact.  He claims to be in love with me and told me he wants to marry me.  I laughed in his face. I'm borderline disgusted by him, and can't fathom now why I was ever so in love with him. Makes me cringe now.
• My biological father died.  I didn't find out for almost a month, and the only reason I did was because I Googled him to see if he was in prison, and found his obituary instead. Good times. The responsibility of handling his final arrangements was dropped into my lap. Then there was a money thing. This naturally caused family issues. Still haven't mourned him.
• I quit the job I really liked because they refused to offer full time hours, even though it made sense to do so and I could do the work in my sleep.  Got hit with TWO job offers right out of the gate. Took the one that sounded the best. 
• Moved from my crappy, but affordable place to a nicer, less affordable place.  Lost that job two days after I moved in. The reason was a load of bullshit. 
• I'm still single. I don't give a damn anymore.
• Apathy has become my new coping mechanism.

And we have come full circle.

People like to send me these nuggets of inspiration that talk about what 'God' has planned for me, and to keep on 'weathering the storm' like if I continue to suffer, I'll get to ride a fucking rainbow at the end. First of all, although I appreciate the effort, you can keep your little Invisible Magic Man and his 'wisdom nuggets' cuz it's falling on Agnostic ears.  Second, how much 'storm weathering' should one person really have to go through before they get a fucking sunny day for a change? Despite my greatest efforts, my whole life has been one big, violent goddamned hurricane, and all the ways I've tried to overcome it have failed. 

I could understand if I was somehow inviting the problems, or doing shit I shouldn't do and this was just Karma taking the piss out of me, but every single day I strive for better, and yet every step forward is met with an obstacle knocking me back down. I don't wallow in self pity- I don't have time for that and life is short.  I am an active participant in life.  I dust myself off and move forward every time I get knocked down because I have an overwhelming need to prove to myself and my kids that I can.  

But I'm fucking tired. Like, spritually, physically, and mentally spent.

Every time I have to 'get back up'  it takes more energy than the time before.  I've done more 'getting up' than James Brown. How do I keep going when I know I'll just be knocked down again?  Call it defeatist, but I see it as my reality.  I don't know anything else. 

I worked my ass off to get us into this place.  Stressed and freaked out for months to the point that my whole head turned gray.  I jumped through every single hoop like a trained animal, crossed every T, took time from work, etc, and it finally paid off.  Just as I was talking a much needed breath, there went my income. 

When. Does. It. Stop. 

I've always joked about dropping out and living off the grid in some hippie commune, but I think this is the first time I've actually given the idea serious consideration. I'm done with the rat race.  I'm so apathetic and misanthropic that I would be disgusted with myself if I gave a shit.  I'm fucking over clawing my way through life and fighting to keep my head above water.  I'm turning into a horrible person who doesn't give a shit about anything, including myself. I shut myself in and turn myself off to everyone because I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore, and because I'm forced to follow certain social graces, like pretending to have it all together when I'm falling completely apart.  I'm tired of smiling when all I want to do is cry, and mostly, I'm tired of being tired.

Until I finally have something positive to add to this, consider me tired of writing too.