Balls Out
OOOOoooh It's gonna be a purging bonanza today, my friends. I've been holding in so many secrets that I could be a Mafia consigliere, and I literally can't do it anymore or my emotions will go on strike. Here we go.
I have a friend, and for anonymity sake, we'll call him Arthur. Arthur and I have been friends for over 20 years, strictly platonic all the way. Arthur hasn't had an easy life, and unfortunately, he's gotten himself in trouble a time or two, and has spent some time inside Illinois finest institutions. To his defense, he's been forced to grow up and take a hard look at his life, and has turned himself around.
Up until three days ago, Arthur was 'away' for about 4 years. During that time, he and I communicated by writing hundreds of letters, and eventually moved to phone calls and visits. Over time, I learned that, aside from very sporadic contact with his mom and aunt, I was literally the only one that he had contact with. This situation ended up creating a pretty special relationship between him and I, and I started to care for him in ways I hadn't before.
I still kept my smarts, and never had intentions of starting a relationship or even a crush on him- he was just...special, and there were even times that I was kind of ambivalent about him.
Due to some fucked up circumstances, he ended up being paroled to my house. We've been living together for three days. This is where things get complicated.
I have gotten quite used to being single and having my space. For a while, the idea of sharing that with anyone made me cringe a little. I liked having my bed to myself. I liked lounging in my ugly clothes with no makeup on. I liked being able to fart or burp if I needed to. So when I agreed to let him come stay, as much as I loved him, the idea of having him there made me bristle.
Of course, I got all the questions: 'Are you guys gonna be together', 'What happens when he comes there', and the one that launched a thousand insecurities: " You might be the only one he sees now, but what happens when he comes home and has lots more opportunities?"
Arthur and I had casually discussed the idea of him and I attempting a relationship once he was home and stable over a few letters. Part of me was thrilled by the idea- he's someone I've known forever, he's never been disrespectful, he has real love for me, etc. Sure, why not? Let's see where it goes. But when I was hit with that whammy, all my sugarplum fantasies exploded right along with it. I was officially conflicted.
We say 'I love you' all the time. When I would visit him,he never let me leave without a (really good) kiss goodbye.
Now he's here, in my house, all the time. He sleeps in my bed. Again, he never lets me leave the house without a 'Love you' and a kiss. And I LIKE all of this. A LOT. More than I thought I would.
BUT.
This is as far as we've gone. He didn't even attempt to attack me the night he came home, despite the fact that I could feel his hardness on my ass while he sort of spooned me. This man was gone for FOUR YEARS. I didn't even get an "accidental" grope. I shouldn't be disgruntled about this, but I kind of am. That was the last time we attempted to 'cuddle'. Now the only time he touches me is to kiss me when I leave. We have still never been physical. We've had loads of opportunities. And I'm definitely not playing hard to get.
I'm wildly attracted to him, and that's new for me. But it's like he doesn't see me as a dateable being...
But then he constantly talks about future plans and us getting a house when he gets on his feet, and asks me not to 'hurt him'.
I don't know what to think, and I'm sure the fuck not gonna be in the sexually frustrated friend zone for the rest of my life. To add more difficulty to the pot..
Flaco has been actively pursuing me. It's never been like this, and y'all know how I feel about my Flaco. If that's a chance I have, I'm jumping in with both feet, but I have this guy over here holding on to my finger. The confusion is real, and there are too many 'maybes' for my liking.
And this brings me to my last secret.
A few months ago, I ran into the 'Dreaded Ex' at Walgreens. Before that, we had virtually no contact for years, and I was totally ok with that- my feelings for him dissipated long ago. It was actually kind of nice to see him and catch up for a minute, and after, I was fully content in moving on with my life and not actively contacting him again.
He was obviously not so content.
A week or two went by, and he started contacting me. It was cool, I was ok with doing a little catching up. I welcomed it. I was in a place that I was ready to attempt a casual friendship and I was proud of that. We talked sporadically over a couple of weeks, and I was perfectly comfortable with the contact. Then it stopped.
A week or so later, I got a text from him while I was at work. He suddenly wanted to have a long, deep conversation with me about whatever. Cool..ok..I'm only halfway engaged in this but whatever. Then it moved to 'I really wanna hang out"..Uuuh, ok, sure, why not. "tonight, come after work'..ok, who are you and what have you done with the ex boyfriend who used to hate me?
THEN came the VERY UNSOLICITED dick pics.
While I was working.
At my desk.
With people milling around.
And they came by the half dozen.
I couldn't flip my phone over fast enough, and dropped it like it was on fire.
Needless to say, I had some choice words with him. He apologized profusely, then went on to say how attracted he (still) is to me and how he couldn't help it. Whatever- not like I've never seen it before, but it stopped being a welcome sight long ago. He apologized for the rest of the night via text, so I caved, said fuck it, and met up with him in a public place the next night.
AWKWARD alert!!
In 6 years of dating, it's never been as weird to be in his presence as it was that night. I lasted less than 90 minutes before I excused myself. Still, part of me really wanted to just be cool with him- he sucked as a boyfriend, but I still liked him as a person.
I gave it another shot a few nights ago. We ended up talking for hours about everything- our relationship and all the ways it went wrong, good times, old stuff, new stuff, etc. It was really nice and fucking cathartic, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was enjoying myself.
I think he got too comfortable, because he started hitting on me..then telling me how much he missed me, and how much he fucked up.
This is a guy with a girlfriend and a kid.
As much as I would have flipped to hear him say those things years ago, now I just pittied him. Needless to say, that basically ended my visit.
He still contacts me. I consider cutting him off, but I kinda like it. He's jealous of Arthur, and I don't correct him when he thinks something is going on with us. Karma is a motherfucker, and he's getting a taste. When he becomes a problem, I'll make him disappear.
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster without a seatbelt. On one hand, I think Arthur and I could be good for each other, but he needs to get his head out of his asshole and figure out what he wants- if he would just rather stay friends, then stop fucking kissing me because I like it and it makes me want more, and I don't just mean that in the physical sense. Let me be free and don't make me feel guilty about pursuing another chance. Otherwise, take the fucking golden opportunity that's staring you in the face and start your fucking life the right way, you're 40 years old, and I don't have time for bullshit.
MY GOD. I feel cleansed.
I have a friend, and for anonymity sake, we'll call him Arthur. Arthur and I have been friends for over 20 years, strictly platonic all the way. Arthur hasn't had an easy life, and unfortunately, he's gotten himself in trouble a time or two, and has spent some time inside Illinois finest institutions. To his defense, he's been forced to grow up and take a hard look at his life, and has turned himself around.
Up until three days ago, Arthur was 'away' for about 4 years. During that time, he and I communicated by writing hundreds of letters, and eventually moved to phone calls and visits. Over time, I learned that, aside from very sporadic contact with his mom and aunt, I was literally the only one that he had contact with. This situation ended up creating a pretty special relationship between him and I, and I started to care for him in ways I hadn't before.
I still kept my smarts, and never had intentions of starting a relationship or even a crush on him- he was just...special, and there were even times that I was kind of ambivalent about him.
Due to some fucked up circumstances, he ended up being paroled to my house. We've been living together for three days. This is where things get complicated.
I have gotten quite used to being single and having my space. For a while, the idea of sharing that with anyone made me cringe a little. I liked having my bed to myself. I liked lounging in my ugly clothes with no makeup on. I liked being able to fart or burp if I needed to. So when I agreed to let him come stay, as much as I loved him, the idea of having him there made me bristle.
Of course, I got all the questions: 'Are you guys gonna be together', 'What happens when he comes there', and the one that launched a thousand insecurities: " You might be the only one he sees now, but what happens when he comes home and has lots more opportunities?"
Arthur and I had casually discussed the idea of him and I attempting a relationship once he was home and stable over a few letters. Part of me was thrilled by the idea- he's someone I've known forever, he's never been disrespectful, he has real love for me, etc. Sure, why not? Let's see where it goes. But when I was hit with that whammy, all my sugarplum fantasies exploded right along with it. I was officially conflicted.
We say 'I love you' all the time. When I would visit him,he never let me leave without a (really good) kiss goodbye.
Now he's here, in my house, all the time. He sleeps in my bed. Again, he never lets me leave the house without a 'Love you' and a kiss. And I LIKE all of this. A LOT. More than I thought I would.
BUT.
This is as far as we've gone. He didn't even attempt to attack me the night he came home, despite the fact that I could feel his hardness on my ass while he sort of spooned me. This man was gone for FOUR YEARS. I didn't even get an "accidental" grope. I shouldn't be disgruntled about this, but I kind of am. That was the last time we attempted to 'cuddle'. Now the only time he touches me is to kiss me when I leave. We have still never been physical. We've had loads of opportunities. And I'm definitely not playing hard to get.
I'm wildly attracted to him, and that's new for me. But it's like he doesn't see me as a dateable being...
But then he constantly talks about future plans and us getting a house when he gets on his feet, and asks me not to 'hurt him'.
I don't know what to think, and I'm sure the fuck not gonna be in the sexually frustrated friend zone for the rest of my life. To add more difficulty to the pot..
Flaco has been actively pursuing me. It's never been like this, and y'all know how I feel about my Flaco. If that's a chance I have, I'm jumping in with both feet, but I have this guy over here holding on to my finger. The confusion is real, and there are too many 'maybes' for my liking.
And this brings me to my last secret.
A few months ago, I ran into the 'Dreaded Ex' at Walgreens. Before that, we had virtually no contact for years, and I was totally ok with that- my feelings for him dissipated long ago. It was actually kind of nice to see him and catch up for a minute, and after, I was fully content in moving on with my life and not actively contacting him again.
He was obviously not so content.
A week or two went by, and he started contacting me. It was cool, I was ok with doing a little catching up. I welcomed it. I was in a place that I was ready to attempt a casual friendship and I was proud of that. We talked sporadically over a couple of weeks, and I was perfectly comfortable with the contact. Then it stopped.
A week or so later, I got a text from him while I was at work. He suddenly wanted to have a long, deep conversation with me about whatever. Cool..ok..I'm only halfway engaged in this but whatever. Then it moved to 'I really wanna hang out"..Uuuh, ok, sure, why not. "tonight, come after work'..ok, who are you and what have you done with the ex boyfriend who used to hate me?
THEN came the VERY UNSOLICITED dick pics.
While I was working.
At my desk.
With people milling around.
And they came by the half dozen.
I couldn't flip my phone over fast enough, and dropped it like it was on fire.
Needless to say, I had some choice words with him. He apologized profusely, then went on to say how attracted he (still) is to me and how he couldn't help it. Whatever- not like I've never seen it before, but it stopped being a welcome sight long ago. He apologized for the rest of the night via text, so I caved, said fuck it, and met up with him in a public place the next night.
AWKWARD alert!!
In 6 years of dating, it's never been as weird to be in his presence as it was that night. I lasted less than 90 minutes before I excused myself. Still, part of me really wanted to just be cool with him- he sucked as a boyfriend, but I still liked him as a person.
I gave it another shot a few nights ago. We ended up talking for hours about everything- our relationship and all the ways it went wrong, good times, old stuff, new stuff, etc. It was really nice and fucking cathartic, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was enjoying myself.
I think he got too comfortable, because he started hitting on me..then telling me how much he missed me, and how much he fucked up.
This is a guy with a girlfriend and a kid.
As much as I would have flipped to hear him say those things years ago, now I just pittied him. Needless to say, that basically ended my visit.
He still contacts me. I consider cutting him off, but I kinda like it. He's jealous of Arthur, and I don't correct him when he thinks something is going on with us. Karma is a motherfucker, and he's getting a taste. When he becomes a problem, I'll make him disappear.
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster without a seatbelt. On one hand, I think Arthur and I could be good for each other, but he needs to get his head out of his asshole and figure out what he wants- if he would just rather stay friends, then stop fucking kissing me because I like it and it makes me want more, and I don't just mean that in the physical sense. Let me be free and don't make me feel guilty about pursuing another chance. Otherwise, take the fucking golden opportunity that's staring you in the face and start your fucking life the right way, you're 40 years old, and I don't have time for bullshit.
MY GOD. I feel cleansed.
Omg where the FUCK have I been for all this? Why haven't I had a couple martinis at the bar down the street while you've told me all this and I've been able to publically berate said dudes full of emotionally poking questions? Zaaaaam girl.
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