Punch Drunk Love

Edit-12/23/2017: My floating heart has once again hit the pavement. I've been heartbroken many times, but this one shreds my soul. I thought about tearing this post down and burning it, but I won't.  Someday, when the hurt goes away, I want to be able to look back and remember how it felt to feel like this. 
x.

It has all come down to this.

I've been writing this blog for nearly 10 years, and it has seen my entire emotional spectrum.  I've covered love, heartbreak, depression, dating, struggle, homelessness, jail, loneliness, and all the ups, downs, and sideways in between.  Some of my reads have been fun.  Most have been rough.

I'm finally in a place where I can say all that struggle and hell was worth it, because it brought me here.
I have a great, fucking exhausting and mentally draining job that I love, that has infinite potential to bring me even higher on the ladder. My kids are happy and healthy, and at 15 and 20, well adjusted young adults.
I have friends and a social life.  I travel and have hobbies.  I enjoy spending time at home in my own company. I am blessedly free of legal and family problems. Unfortunately, 2017 wasn't without it's share of struggle and heartbreak- if I'm being real, it was easily one of the worst years of my life...but as things come in like lions, so they go out as lambs.

Your girl is in love.

I have thrown that word around this blog A LOT, so no need to point it out because I see you with your finger in the air ready to say it- I seent it!!
I think a person can fall in love millions of times through life in different stages, and I don't deny any of them.  Each one of them had merit, some more than others (I see you, Flaco...).

This time...sigh. I feel as if I've been utterly consumed. Like I'm wrapped in a fuzzy blanket made of sunshine and flowers, and my eyes are made of stars and my mouth is pulled into a permanent smile..and my heart is so full that it feels like it's going to burst out of me. Its an all-encompassing warmth, burning from the inside out, from my hair follicles to my toenails.

We met more than two years ago.  We casually dated, and it fizzled. After very sporadic contact, we got back in touch on a regular basis, and something just clicked. It was comfortable right away, and we realized we both wanted the same things.  We started talking about a future almost instantly.
Two weeks was all it took for him to tell me he loves me.  I met him for lunch during his work day. It was very casual, we just sat in my car outside his job. I brought him a hamburger. He kissed me hello, looked at me for a long time, and just said it, like it was the most natural thing in the world.  The look on his face when I said it back will forever be etched in my brain. I've never seen a man's eyes sparkle like that, and I'm making it my personal mission to make that happen again as much as I can for the rest of our lives.

I feel sucker punched in the most amazing way possible. I haven't felt like this for another human since the beginning with the Dreaded Ex, so it feels pretty monumental. We talk about everything- moving in together, marriage, buying a house..he wants to help send my daughter to college and save for our retirement- like, he already is throwing plans and figures at me. He's adamant that 'we're gonna be married by this time next year', calls me "Mrs. Rxx"*, and already refers to my kids as his step-kids.  He has a son also, and I can't wait to meet him and build a relationship with him.  He's got this whole life for us mapped out, and we've never even spent the night together.
*I must admit, my name and his last name do sound pretty damn good together....*

I get it.  It's crazy fast. Given my history, it's also incredibly risky.  I'm free-falling without a net. He blew in like a hurricane I wasn't ready for. I don't think anyone is ever ready for something like that, but when someone makes you feel like that again, just...alive...it has to be worth the risk.
He's showing me more commitment and love and mountain-moving than anyone ever has, so falling for him was an inevitability. He's strong and alpha and sweet, smart and reeeeally sexy. Like, call a fireman to put me out, sexy.  He has flaws and dings in his armor, and I'm dealing with the ones I know about, and am ready to see what else he has to throw at me. I'm in this thing, flaws and all.

He wants to take me to Puerto Rico to see his family.  For our honeymoon. Who says that after such a short time? Can I just...:sigh:

I know it won't feel like this forever.  I know relationships and marriage are hard and take alot of work, and things will change as time goes on.  There will be less warm and fuzzy and more comfortable and boring.  I know all of this and I still want it. All I know is that he's a game changer, and holy fuck am I ready for the ride.