::Let Me Clear My Throat::

Because it would feel a hell of a lot better than the pain of saying goodbye to my kids yet again.  I'd take broken bones with a smile if I could trade. Tomorrow, once again, I will be at the mercy of the Cook County judicial system.  This time, however, I have no idea how long they plan to keep me.  I will be walking in having no clue when I will walk back out.  The agony of this lack of knowledge is indescribable. Anytime before this, it was easier to swallow.  The kids could mark the days, and were able to prepare ahead of time.  Tonight I had to watch my daughter cry because she was afraid I wouldn't be home for her birthday or Christmas, and listen to my son plead with me to not go at all, even though he knows I have no choice.  Let me tell you, there is nothing... NOTHING more heart shredding than hearing this from them and having no definitive answer to appease them with.  I would rather peel my own fucking skin off. The biggest ass kick...

I remember my decision to not blog for a while.  As it happens, I have had too much wine tonight and frankly I don't give a shit about anything right now, so inhibitions be damned. I'll probably have mixed feelings tomorrow, but lets be real: I CONSTANTLY have mixed feelings about something.   Back to the wine. So, yeah..I never actually drink by myself, but with the shitstorm I'm caught up in these days, it was either get fucking drunk alone or stab the first person who stands in my way. Hurricane Sandy ain't got shit on this girl right now. I'm..tired. I'm tired of drama, tired of issues, tired of failing.  As soon as I crawl out of a hole and find the light, the ground beneath me gives way and I'm right back where I started. In the dark. Clawing my way back out. AGAIN. Unless you've actually been in this position, you couldn't imagine how fucking exhausting this is, and no amount of positive thinking or changes in scenery are enough to alleviate...

I've decided that I'm not gonna blog anymore-at least not for a while. I have mixed feelings about having the contents of my twisted mind on public display, and the so-called 'catharsis' blogging is supposed to bring doesn't keep the demons at bay for long.  There's alot going on inside me right now, and part of me wants to leave it in a puddle on these pages, but then the rest asks 'why bother?' because I know it won't make me feel any better, and the issues will still be there when I hit 'Publish'.  Truth be told, most of what I'm dealing with is already weaved thru this blog, but I've just said it so many times that I'm tired of addressing it.  I'm sort of over myself at this point.  Curling into a ball and shutting out the world just seems like a more attractive option to me now, so that's where I'll be. TTFN.

Sometimes I sit back and examine my life, and I wonder if I just royally fucked up somewhere, or if I truly was just handed a raw fucking deal.  Call me pessimistic, but I think I'll go with the latter. Nothing is ever simple.  Everything has to be tangled and backwards and complicated. I'm always getting buried, and no matter how many times I attempt to crawl out of that hole, something else comes along and kicks me back in.  Again, I try, and again, I fail. Epically. Miserably.  I feel like I'm stuck on a hamster wheel...running and running but never actually getting anywhere.

: Before I begin, I would like to state for the record that since my last post, my celibacy remains intact, despite the night that Flaco spent in my bed last week.  I am that damn awesome, and I will absolutely take that cookie, thankyouverymuch.: Tonight's entry is brought to you by the word "Troubled", and also by the phrase "Melancholy Bitch Slap".  Follow along if you dare. I am...utterly confused.  I don't know how else to word it.  I just don't understand.  Allow me to gloss over a few details to make this jibber-jabbering mess look like English. There's a boy, called "D".  A small piece of this is about him in particular, but mostly about boys in general when it comes to me.  D and I met through a friend over a year ago, but I never had a lot of interest, so we didn't talk much. Two weeks ago he texted me out of the clear blue after months of not talking, and immediately we clicked like a couple of magnets. We talked non stop...

Y'all are gonna read this and think I have gone completely off the reservation.  Hell, I think the same thing, so you'll be in good company. I watched something earlier that gave me a slice of inspiration.  I've been writing alot about how I'm hoping to find love, for real this time, and not just the guy who wants to get me naked and go home. It's so damaging, and my ego has been shot to hell enough already.  So, I'm considering...(deep breath, don't laugh...) celibacy. By definition: cel·i·ba·cy   n. 1. Abstinence from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows. 2. The condition of being unmarried.   There aren't words to describe how foreign this concept is to me.  I don't even really know where to begin other than to just...not.  That in itself is crazy.  I am the embodiment of a sexual person; I'm comfortable with it, I like it, and I like that I am open minded enough to be as adventurous as I am.  I'm smart e...

People around me are gonna start needing protective gear, cuz my bomb clock is tick tick ticking. As hard as I'm trying to stay cool and collected, my golden, bucolic self seems to be in a constant state of rumble.  To ask why would only bring a barrage of frenzied answers, so I'm gonna try to break it all down and maybe then it will make sense to everyone, including myself.   I don't seem to be able to escape being everyone's go-to girl when they want something.  Whether it's money, sex, attention, time, rides, advice, this or that task, favors...someone always seems to have a hand stretched out, palm up, with a horrible case of the "gimmies".  I am feeling cornered and suffocated with something or someone constantly on top of me. Not only am I being suffocated, but then at the end of the day after I've been raided, there's nothing left for me but an empty fucking bag.  I know life's unfair but damn, I should be getting at least a littl...