::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I've decided that I'm over Christmas.  This year, it's done nothing but show me all the ways I fucked up as a parent and as an adult. Right now, I have approximately $115 in my bank account, have 2 kids to shop for, but still need to be able to provide gas in my car and food on the table, and I don't get paid again until December 28.  Needless to say, it's gonna look pretty empty under my tree this year.  My last resort was to apply for a shirt term loan, and even that ended up being a dead end.   I was always that one who, if times were tough, made sure my kids were the last ones to feel it. Now there is no cushion to protect them, and they get stuck feeling the same blows as me because of my mistakes.  Its not fair to them and makes me feel like a total fucking asshole. I literally don't have a pot to piss in right now, and my kids have to bear the brunt of that.  I don't know what the hell Im gonna say to them Christmas morning when they see an empty t...

  You know that phrase 'Short Fuse'?  It has a cousin called 'Breathe On Me Wrong And I Blow To Smithereens'.  If you look it up, you'll find a picture of me, with a big crooked smile and a deranged look in my eye.  Am I a lunatic?  Yep, probably. Shit knows these days I sure feel like one.  That song by Limp Bizkit, ya know, "Break Stuff"? It  has been playing on a constant loop in my head like a broken record for the last two weeks.  I can't put my talon on what, exactly, the problem is, I just know that I feel like I'm gonna blow, like ALL. THE. TIME.  And if you're dumb enough to be in my crosshairs while I'm raging, you best throw on your riot gear cuz I'll probably run you over just for being in my way.  I'll take a deep breath and put on my psychotherapist hat for a second, and assume that a combo of stress and PMS are probably to blame for this episode.  A lot has fallen into my lap lately and I haven't had much c...

  First things first:  When you have a big secret festering  in you and you feel the need to share it with someone in particular, think about it before you blurt it out.  Make sure that what you tell them will remain between the two of you if that's what you are hoping for, and make sure your confidant is a trustworthy one.  These are things that I didn't think I needed to take into consideration when I decided to tell my mother what my father did to me.  Can you say "Huge Regret"?   It took me 20 long years and a lot of therapy and soul searching to work up the sack to finally confess the biggest secret I've ever had.  It felt good to have it out in the open...for about 60 seconds.  That's how long it took my mother, the "confidant", to get her chismosa ass on the phone and start spreading the news like she was Frank Fucking Sinatra.  The excuses ranged from dumb to shitty, and everytime she did it, I called her on it and asked her t...

Never again will I play the role of the whiny, "why me?" victim; I now understand how fuckin' annoying it really is.  I never realized how much until I paid attention to the biggest "victim" I know: My mother.   Mom has a long habit of being Ms. Woe Is Me.  The whole world always seems to be plotting against her, and when something happens in her life that is unsatisfactory, she takes it as a personal attack on her, then proceeds to bring up her entire life's worth of unsavory events and horrible luck.  Oh, and worse?  The blame for ANY of it never rests on her.  She is the poster child for passing the buck, never taking responsibility for any of her own actions that get her into the positions that she's in. It's beyond egotistical, and makes me want to punch her.   This woman will misconstrue it if you so much as breathe at her the wrong way, just so she feels justified in taking her frustrations out on you.  Sometimes you have to do nothing at...

 I think the old ticker could use a jump start.  I don't think I can recall a time when I was this-what's the word?-unaffected? Impassive?  Blasé?  Actually I think 'blasé' sums it up pretty well.  Nothing has really shaken me up lately, not that I'm a glutton for drama, but I don't like feeling so apathetic.  Mostly this feeling centers on my love life. Things are once again at a standstill with SP, and yes, it bothers me, but not as much as I think it should, being that I feel for him the way that I do. That, in itself, is another issue that I want to tackle, but I'm gonna try to stay on track.  The best way to sum up my feelings for him is ambiguous.  I love him, but it's not all encompassing, and if things don't work out, it will bother me but not end me.  It's all very "Eh."   Despite what's not happening with SP, I haven't been lacking male attention.  As a matter of fact, I've been getting more than ever-more than ...

Ladies and...well, ladies, I have tapped into my geyser of raw strength.  It's so funny when you stumble upon something you didn't even know it was there, but I found it, and have been exercising some demons the last few days.  Let's take it from the top, shall we?   I spent some time with SP yesterday.  I haven't seen him since he accompanied me to the wedding last weekend, and we really  hadn't talked to much since then.  If you've read my recent posts, you know that my relationship with SP is very bipolar.  I don't feel a lot of stability with him, and doubts frequently creep in through the many cracks in our quasi-relationship.  Yesterday I was feeling strong, so I confronted him, opening up my chest and dropping my heart on the table, and was fully prepared to snatch it back and leave if he didn't give me the answer I was looking for.  I asked him point blank: did he see a future with us or am I wasting my time?  I admit, I almost...

My ex, the BabyDaddy, is a douche. I've given him his due respect when he deserves it, and we've managed to work out most of our issues.  Notice I said "most" of them. One would think that since it takes two people to make a baby, those same two people would do equal jobs in taking care of it.  I guess BD missed the memo. My son is with me for the weekend, as he is every weekend.  Sundays are my least favorite days, because I know he has to go "home", and every time I drop him off, a little piece of my heart breaks off.  I remind myself throughout the week that he's at his dad's because he wants to be there, and he wants to be there because he believes that it's making things easier on me financially.  I let him stay because he seems happy and adjusted, but no part of the arrangement is "easy" for me-I keep that part to myself.  Part of me also realizes that he's growing up, and I can't teach him how to be a man.  I've tr...

Has something ever clicked for you so hard and loud that it felt like you were hit by a locomotive? Praise the Goddess, for today I have seen the Light, Halleluyer . Just to reiterate a few earlier posts, I have no more issues with the 'being over The Ex' stuff; I've been doing just fine, trucking along without any of that sadness crap.  We talk once or twice a week without any issues, and have even hung out all buddy-buddy like sans drama.  We managed to make some semblance of a friendship work for us. Being that friend, I still take it upon myself to kinda look out for him, make sure he's taking care of himself, and having a regard for his life in general. It's just something that seems to come with the territory.  I tried to be encouraging, pushing him to get his shit together.  I even got it in his head to go back to school and get certified in Electrical Maintenance, which would ultimately land him a job making upwards of $30 an hour.  At first, I ac...