Sour Girl
I'm in a reflective sort of mood today.
My head is full of thoughts of my past, and worries for my future....and supreme irritation over my present state. In a word, I'm feeling more bitter than a Sour Altoid, and can't help but wonder how the fuck I got here.
Things are in a constant state of ruin. My love life, my job, my health, my financial state, and my living situation are all crumbling to bits in front of my eyes and I'm powerless to stop it. And to be quite honest, I'm getting to the point where I don't actually give a fuck anymore, and that, in itself, scares the shit out of me. I'm ready to give my children to various family members and tough it out alone until I get things together enough to be a better mother to them. But then who am I without them?
I'm feeling lower and more insignificant than I ever have in my entire life, and that's saying alot. I'm filled with sadness and unresolved rage over the demise of my 5 year relationship, and some days want to rip Grande's still beating heart from his chest, or something as equally gory and painful. When I'm not feeling violently homicidal, the lonliness is unrelenting, and almost feels as if my own heart is the one being torn away, and dying almost feels like a more attractive option.
My life used to be full...meaningful. Happy. Happy....I forget what that feels like alot of the time. I paint on a smile and tell everyone I'm ok, and sometimes I believe it myself, but really, who am I kidding? My façade is getting weaker, and it's getting harder to play the game. And I'd be amazed if I found someone who actually believed me when I say "I'm ok".
I'm jealous of those who actually are. Crazy jealous.
My head is full of thoughts of my past, and worries for my future....and supreme irritation over my present state. In a word, I'm feeling more bitter than a Sour Altoid, and can't help but wonder how the fuck I got here.
Things are in a constant state of ruin. My love life, my job, my health, my financial state, and my living situation are all crumbling to bits in front of my eyes and I'm powerless to stop it. And to be quite honest, I'm getting to the point where I don't actually give a fuck anymore, and that, in itself, scares the shit out of me. I'm ready to give my children to various family members and tough it out alone until I get things together enough to be a better mother to them. But then who am I without them?
I'm feeling lower and more insignificant than I ever have in my entire life, and that's saying alot. I'm filled with sadness and unresolved rage over the demise of my 5 year relationship, and some days want to rip Grande's still beating heart from his chest, or something as equally gory and painful. When I'm not feeling violently homicidal, the lonliness is unrelenting, and almost feels as if my own heart is the one being torn away, and dying almost feels like a more attractive option.
My life used to be full...meaningful. Happy. Happy....I forget what that feels like alot of the time. I paint on a smile and tell everyone I'm ok, and sometimes I believe it myself, but really, who am I kidding? My façade is getting weaker, and it's getting harder to play the game. And I'd be amazed if I found someone who actually believed me when I say "I'm ok".
I'm jealous of those who actually are. Crazy jealous.
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