Heartburn.

Sometimes I truly believe I have this breakup thing licked. I mean, after going through it so many times, you would think that would be the case.  Evidently, practice doesn't always make perfect.  I have days that I'm not feeling so confident in my own "move on" abilities, like today.  Today, in particular, the hurt is eating me alive and consuming me, like an Atheletes Foot flareup.  It's harsh and unrelenting and annoying and pissing me off that I can't brush it off like he does, and his ability to do that just hurts even more.  I wonder if he feels now that he's better off without me. I wonder if subconciously, he cheated so he could just get rid of me for good.  I know I'm supposed to be the one rid of him, but it still hurts that he's dealing with this better than me, and not groveling like I wish he would.  I want him to cry.  I want his insides to hurt like mine do.  I want his heart to actually feel broken like mine does.  I want him to sit here writing letters to himself about how much it hurts just like I am now.  Why the FUCK do I have to continue to suffer??!?  Why is it me that still has the fucked up end of this, and he's getting all these amazing single guy opportunities??  Why is he relishing being that single guy, loving the fact that he's free and clear, and I'm the dumb motherfucker still mourning our relationship??  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT STILL GIVES A FLYING FUCK???  Why do I have to be the one that hurts and he's able to let go so quickly?? Why is everything in my life so unbalanced and unfuckingfair??  Cry for ME on the phone motherfucker!  Ask ME 20 questions about why this happened and why you did what you did!!  Show me that you give a fuck about the five fucking years you spent, then wasted with me!  I WANT you to kiss my fucking ass and grovel at my feet for a while cuz it will make me feel SO much fucking better to know that I wasnt't the only one that cared that you obliterated 5 fucking years of a life together. Bleed for ME like I have bled for you!

  There is such a thin line between heartbreak and anger.  I have so many conflicting emotions in me now and I'm not sure how to process them all.  Days like this, I hurt just as bad as I did the first day, but now I have everything else mixed in like a big dysfunctional cake.  I hate that I still care enough to hurt this bad.  I want out of this hell.  It's like a prison.  I'm afraid that if I can't get over this, I'm gonna be alone.  For good.

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